How to navigate this with a new baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…why isn’t your brother in jail? It sounds like your entire family, you included, are complicit. I think this is a troll.

Are you really this clueless? Why post if you can't show support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I completely understand and this is very valid. So sorry you went through that trauma. Just remember no matter what happens, if he somehow finds out, still he will never meet your child, will never hurt her and she will never know him, because you're not like your mom and you're not continuing the cycle of abuse. Hope you can take comfort in that and I hope you have a support system on Dh side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong to consider just going no contact. I guess in theory she's vaguely, vaguely respecting the boundary of not telling your brother by attempting to ask your permission and not just doing it. So if everything else has been going well maybe one more conversation that the boundary is not just not telling him, but not discussing it at all. And then if it comes up once more, you're done. But it's close enough at this point that it's OK to be done. You're obviously going to have to be super vigilant about photos and her being alone with the baby.

Thanks. I'm definitely open to another conversation and being more firm on we can't keep having this conversation. I can see it happening around holidays and such. And I just can't have the constant reminder. I do think it is a sign she's trying? Otherwise she just wouldn't ask and would be telling them. I do think my sil would reach out if she found out from my mom.

Yes vigilant about photos for sure. And she will never be alone with DD. We already had that talk when she asked about helping us with childcare and mentioned keeping a pack and play at her house.

I didn't mention not only did my mother ignore the abuse from my brother but also from another older male and wasn't supportive when I pressed charges that time. She was also very physically abusive until too big to control and could call her on it. The emotional abuse continued hence no contact. So DD will never be unsupervised with her and her in person contact will be limited

Quite honestly, I have to wonder why you would ever give her an opening in your life.

I am so sorry you’re going through this, but honestly, it sounds like an awful situation all around and I also wonder why you gave her an opening back into your life.

I suspect she’s already told your brother and wife if she is closer to them then she is with you.

[Anonymous]

I think you should talk this over with your own therapist but the tightrope you’re trying to walk is probably unworkable. I’m sorry, this sounds like a horrible situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…why isn’t your brother in jail? It sounds like your entire family, you included, are complicit. I think this is a troll.

Yes blame the 4 year old who was getting molested. The child is responsible?? You're a troll. Maybe learn about the justice system and how these crimes especially within families don't go reported and don't get any justice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

I think you need to sit down. Her brother is a REAL threat. A known threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…why isn’t your brother in jail? It sounds like your entire family, you included, are complicit. I think this is a troll.

We don’t prosecute crimes against kids that young. It’s too traumatic for the child survivors. Even if we found out, we would do nothing.

- SVU prosecutor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong to consider just going no contact. I guess in theory she's vaguely, vaguely respecting the boundary of not telling your brother by attempting to ask your permission and not just doing it. So if everything else has been going well maybe one more conversation that the boundary is not just not telling him, but not discussing it at all. And then if it comes up once more, you're done. But it's close enough at this point that it's OK to be done. You're obviously going to have to be super vigilant about photos and her being alone with the baby.

Thanks. I'm definitely open to another conversation and being more firm on we can't keep having this conversation. I can see it happening around holidays and such. And I just can't have the constant reminder. I do think it is a sign she's trying? Otherwise she just wouldn't ask and would be telling them. I do think my sil would reach out if she found out from my mom.

Yes vigilant about photos for sure. And she will never be alone with DD. We already had that talk when she asked about helping us with childcare and mentioned keeping a pack and play at her house.

I didn't mention not only did my mother ignore the abuse from my brother but also from another older male and wasn't supportive when I pressed charges that time. She was also very physically abusive until too big to control and could call her on it. The emotional abuse continued hence no contact. So DD will never be unsupervised with her and her in person contact will be limited

Quite honestly, I have to wonder why you would ever give her an opening in your life.

I am so sorry you’re going through this, but honestly, it sounds like an awful situation all around and I also wonder why you gave her an opening back into your life.

I suspect she’s already told your brother and wife if she is closer to them then she is with you.

She may have and is testing it out with her questions. I do think my sil would reach out if she found out. She's reached out in the past about other things. We were fine with the clean break but when she came back apologizing it seemed genuine. My dad also recently died and it was just a lot. DH thinks what she did was awful but that she did try her best with what she had available ( I disagree and do think we should have been removed and id take my chances in the system) but that she's deep down not evil. We decided to move forward cautiously. We are still cautious and still on the same page she will never be alone with DD and supervised visits wont be for a long time and few. No holidays, no going to her house. She truly seemed to understand our boundary when we had the initial conversation it's just her actions since have shown something different. We probably do need to go back to no contact and at least this time can articulate why beforehand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I completely understand and this is very valid. So sorry you went through that trauma. Just remember no matter what happens, if he somehow finds out, still he will never meet your child, will never hurt her and she will never know him, because you're not like your mom and you're not continuing the cycle of abuse. Hope you can take comfort in that and I hope you have a support system on Dh side.

Thanks. DH is supportive of keeping her away from my brothers family and thankfully DH has a lovely family that is so excited to meet DD. And yes even if they found out or cared enough to look into it enough we are never seeing them and she won't know about them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I completely understand and this is very valid. So sorry you went through that trauma. Just remember no matter what happens, if he somehow finds out, still he will never meet your child, will never hurt her and she will never know him, because you're not like your mom and you're not continuing the cycle of abuse. Hope you can take comfort in that and I hope you have a support system on Dh side.

Thanks. DH is supportive of keeping her away from my brothers family and thankfully DH has a lovely family that is so excited to meet DD. And yes even if they found out or cared enough to look into it enough we are never seeing them and she won't know about them

I am so glad Dh has a nice family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

I think you need to sit down. Her brother is a REAL threat. A known threat.

Presumably her brother is not in this area and most definitely not in her life, so the threat isn't real to her future child, it's perceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

I think you need to sit down. Her brother is a REAL threat. A known threat.

Presumably her brother is not in this area and most definitely not in her life, so the threat isn't real to her future child, it's perceived.

Tell me more how you know nothing about anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

Already working on it. The fear that my brother will masturbate to my child the same way he did to my baby photos is a very valid fear. And I will be as vigilant with pedos known and not known near and far..

Jesus. Your brother sounds like a monster. Does SIL know about this? I don’t understand how men like this get to roam free in our society and that someone would marry and procreate with him. I hope your poor nephews are okay. How did your mom have her head in the sand about letting this go on? I have a son and daughter and would lose my effing mind if this happened (loads of therapy and vigilance would be in order assuming young enough to rehabilitate).

I get why you need to set this boundary (even if it may not really happen), once you’ve been victimized, you deserve to reclaim control how you can. If your mom can’t be 100% on board with it, then I agree she loses access to her granddaughter. You’re a saint for even allowing her to try with you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…why isn’t your brother in jail? It sounds like your entire family, you included, are complicit. I think this is a troll.

Are you seriously blaming the victim here and not entirely ummm … the abuser and adult who allowed this to happen?

I really hope this is a troll because if it’s true then it’s horrible to think about what OP has been through.

[Anonymous]

Others have already chimed in with really good advice but coming from a related situation (brother was SA’d by a cousin and my aunt and mother knew) - if your mom didn’t protect you then, and still wants your SIL to know (she’s already told them btw) - she’s not gonna protect your baby. You’re now responsible for protecting your baby and you have the ability to do so. Take ownership of that and feel proud that you will and can protect her.

I’d go no contact again as painful as it is. Your duty is to your daughter now and your mother likely has not changed a bit. She will fail to respect your boundaries.