How to navigate this with a new baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

Already working on it. The fear that my brother will masturbate to my child the same way he did to my baby photos is a very valid fear. And I will be as vigilant with pedos known and not known near and far..

Jesus. Your brother sounds like a monster. Does SIL know about this? I don’t understand how men like this get to roam free in our society and that someone would marry and procreate with him. I hope your poor nephews are okay. How did your mom have her head in the sand about letting this go on? I have a son and daughter and would lose my effing mind if this happened (loads of therapy and vigilance would be in order assuming young enough to rehabilitate).

I get why you need to set this boundary (even if it may not really happen), once you’ve been victimized, you deserve to reclaim control how you can. If your mom can’t be 100% on board with it, then I agree she loses access to her granddaughter. You’re a saint for even allowing her to try with you again.

Sil does know. She found out years ago before they had they their first. I did press charges against my dance teacher who was my second abuser and during the trial his defense brought up that he didn't do anything wrong because my brother was the first. My sil was at the trial. My mom and brother were not. Sil believes that my dance teacher was lying to shift blame. However I do think you see and believe what you want because I also heard from our small town that my sil enrolled my older nephew in a hip hop class at the same dance studio the teacher worked at. My dance teacher got 2 10 year sentences and then died in 2020 less than a year after being released.

I really don't know about my mother. I suspect she had similar abuse in her family growing up. Culturally it happened and was just something you deal with. She's made comments alluding to this in the past. I can't even imagine. I was also so young. My dad actually wanted to call the cops when they walked in and she stopped him. I remember her asking me what happened and all I could do is cry I was also told to sit int he corner and got spanked so I really thought I was in trouble but my mom said she would take me to the Dr and they had ways of knowing if anything had happened. I remember thinking great I don't have to say it the Dr will but she never took me in. She failed in a lot of ways. I have a vague memory of being in a teacher/parent meeting and one of my teachers bringing up concerns and my mom ignoring also being upset that i was showing signs of something being wrong. I really think for her shame and outward appearances mattered more. The only thing she said when I went to trial for my dance teacher was thank God I used a pseudoname because I was a minor and it came out in the press. I would also lose my mind and really don't understand as a parent how you protect one child at the expense of the other..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Others have already chimed in with really good advice but coming from a related situation (brother was SA’d by a cousin and my aunt and mother knew) - if your mom didn’t protect you then, and still wants your SIL to know (she’s already told them btw) - she’s not gonna protect your baby. You’re now responsible for protecting your baby and you have the ability to do so. Take ownership of that and feel proud that you will and can protect her.

I’d go no contact again as painful as it is. Your duty is to your daughter now and your mother likely has not changed a bit. She will fail to respect your boundaries.

+1. I understand wanting to give mom a chance, and having empathy for the limited resources she had at the time - it all makes you sound superhumanly gracious and like you've processed your past in a really healthy way. But. This isn't about your relationship with your mom, it's about your daughter not being raised in anything approaching the danger that you faced. I would go no contact with mom: you gave her a chance and she's done nothing but test the fences since then. I tend to agree with the posters who say she's already told them or decided to tell them and bringing it up in varied ways ("what about the cousins?" etc.) is her way of softening you up for when you realized it's happened.

You tried, you're a good person, I don't think the rekindled relationship is going to work. Don't think of it as mourning your relationship with your mom, but as cementing your relationship as a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:…why isn’t your brother in jail? It sounds like your entire family, you included, are complicit. I think this is a troll.

We don’t prosecute crimes against kids that young. It’s too traumatic for the child survivors. Even if we found out, we would do nothing.

- SVU prosecutor

You’re not because if you were you’d know pedophiles aren’t “one and done” kind of people. There is almost certainly plenty of fodder to go after him for that’s very recent and/or active. And yes OP is complicit - by staying silent she’s allowing a pedophile to likely repeat this over and over again *to his own kids* so yes all family members who are 18+ and know about his heinous crimes are complicit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:…why isn’t your brother in jail? It sounds like your entire family, you included, are complicit. I think this is a troll.

We don’t prosecute crimes against kids that young. It’s too traumatic for the child survivors. Even if we found out, we would do nothing.

- SVU prosecutor

You’re not because if you were you’d know pedophiles aren’t “one and done” kind of people. There is almost certainly plenty of fodder to go after him for that’s very recent and/or active. And yes OP is complicit - by staying silent she’s allowing a pedophile to likely repeat this over and over again *to his own kids* so yes all family members who are 18+ and know about his heinous crimes are complicit.

Can you read? Op stated above that the abuse was public knowledge meaning it was likely tried and nothing came of it. Also two siblings typically means the perp was also a minor. It's not the same case as an adult abusing a child. You should also do some research into statue of limitations per state. You can't always try a crime even if you want to, even if the victim wants to after a period of time. But then again you don't know all the details and you don't work in this field but continue thinking you know better than the law. You are heinous and disgusting for continuing to victim blame.

[Anonymous]

OP, with your latest update, I gently but strongly urge your to reconsider letting your mom in your life again. She is broken, for whatever reason. She failed to protect you in such profound ways that there's really no trusting her ever again. You have never been her priority and even now, she's trying to share your info with your brother after you've been very clear about your boundaries. This woman does not see the monster that your brother is, and you do not want her hurting you again.

[Anonymous]

Your mother knew your brother was sexually assaulting you and she did nothing. Cut that sorry excuse of a mother out of your life IMMEDIATELY.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mother is not someone you should want in your child's life. What she did is not forgivable. You don't get some "good person, good new mom" award for allowing someone who has betrayed you this profoundly back into your life.

What she did is PART of what your brother did to you. You are never going to feel confident about that, and there is no reason to subject your child to any of it. Break the cycle of generational trauma and cut these people off again, for your child's sake if not your own sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong to consider just going no contact. I guess in theory she's vaguely, vaguely respecting the boundary of not telling your brother by attempting to ask your permission and not just doing it. So if everything else has been going well maybe one more conversation that the boundary is not just not telling him, but not discussing it at all. And then if it comes up once more, you're done. But it's close enough at this point that it's OK to be done. You're obviously going to have to be super vigilant about photos and her being alone with the baby.

Thanks. I'm definitely open to another conversation and being more firm on we can't keep having this conversation. I can see it happening around holidays and such. And I just can't have the constant reminder. I do think it is a sign she's trying? Otherwise she just wouldn't ask and would be telling them. I do think my sil would reach out if she found out from my mom.

Yes vigilant about photos for sure. And she will never be alone with DD. We already had that talk when she asked about helping us with childcare and mentioned keeping a pack and play at her house.

I didn't mention not only did my mother ignore the abuse from my brother but also from another older male and wasn't supportive when I pressed charges that time. She was also very physically abusive until too big to control and could call her on it. The emotional abuse continued hence no contact. So DD will never be unsupervised with her and her in person contact will be limited

OP, in all gentleness, and with a similar background, please explore with a therapist why you are continuing to pursue this relationship when the writing is on the wall re: her testing? Why invite such chaos into a special time for you and DH? Have you done therapy around your childhood trauma? SIA and EMDR were very helpful to me.

As an outsider, it seems really likely that this will all blow up, with a lot of preceding drama. Look at what she has done, continue to push and to try to create relationships for the baby that you have said you do not want. I get that you want her to be different, but, with being in touch with your perp it's unlikely that she will ever fully own her part in facilitating your sexual abuse. She has also been physically and emotionally abusive of you. She creates a lot of chaos. Why not just close that door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is in the wrong forum and should have a trigger warning on it FFS.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

Already working on it. The fear that my brother will masturbate to my child the same way he did to my baby photos is a very valid fear. And I will be as vigilant with pedos known and not known near and far..

Jesus. Your brother sounds like a monster. Does SIL know about this? I don’t understand how men like this get to roam free in our society and that someone would marry and procreate with him. I hope your poor nephews are okay. How did your mom have her head in the sand about letting this go on? I have a son and daughter and would lose my effing mind if this happened (loads of therapy and vigilance would be in order assuming young enough to rehabilitate).

I get why you need to set this boundary (even if it may not really happen), once you’ve been victimized, you deserve to reclaim control how you can. If your mom can’t be 100% on board with it, then I agree she loses access to her granddaughter. You’re a saint for even allowing her to try with you again.

Sil does know. She found out years ago before they had they their first. I did press charges against my dance teacher who was my second abuser and during the trial his defense brought up that he didn't do anything wrong because my brother was the first. My sil was at the trial. My mom and brother were not. Sil believes that my dance teacher was lying to shift blame. However I do think you see and believe what you want because I also heard from our small town that my sil enrolled my older nephew in a hip hop class at the same dance studio the teacher worked at. My dance teacher got 2 10 year sentences and then died in 2020 less than a year after being released.

I really don't know about my mother. I suspect she had similar abuse in her family growing up. Culturally it happened and was just something you deal with. She's made comments alluding to this in the past. I can't even imagine. I was also so young. My dad actually wanted to call the cops when they walked in and she stopped him. I remember her asking me what happened and all I could do is cry I was also told to sit int he corner and got spanked so I really thought I was in trouble but my mom said she would take me to the Dr and they had ways of knowing if anything had happened. I remember thinking great I don't have to say it the Dr will but she never took me in. She failed in a lot of ways. I have a vague memory of being in a teacher/parent meeting and one of my teachers bringing up concerns and my mom ignoring also being upset that i was showing signs of something being wrong. I really think for her shame and outward appearances mattered more. The only thing she said when I went to trial for my dance teacher was thank God I used a pseudoname because I was a minor and it came out in the press. I would also lose my mind and really don't understand as a parent how you protect one child at the expense of the other..

OP, you have some kind of trauma bond with your mom who did not protect your from SA and who herself physically and emotionally abused you by your own description.

Work that out therapeutically. Do not allow contact with ANY of these people or think the drama and chaos will somehow be beneficial to your DC or you. Enough.

[Anonymous]

OP others have said it but I do think it bears repeating: you need to discuss in therapy why you want your mother to play any role no matter how minuscule in your daughters life.

Because she will tell your daughter she has cousins. And you will need to explain— on your mother’s timeline and not your own— why they aren’t in your child’s life. And that isn’t a choice I would allow your mother to take from you. I would wait to decide about a meeting until you had already told your child about your family history, and if that means your mother meets her granddaughter on her 13th birthday so be it.

[Anonymous]

You’re bringing this on yourself by making it a huge deal that your brother doesn’t know, when you or your mom could just tell him and move on.

Stop the drama lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong to consider just going no contact. I guess in theory she's vaguely, vaguely respecting the boundary of not telling your brother by attempting to ask your permission and not just doing it. So if everything else has been going well maybe one more conversation that the boundary is not just not telling him, but not discussing it at all. And then if it comes up once more, you're done. But it's close enough at this point that it's OK to be done. You're obviously going to have to be super vigilant about photos and her being alone with the baby.

Thanks. I'm definitely open to another conversation and being more firm on we can't keep having this conversation. I can see it happening around holidays and such. And I just can't have the constant reminder. I do think it is a sign she's trying? Otherwise she just wouldn't ask and would be telling them. I do think my sil would reach out if she found out from my mom.

Yes vigilant about photos for sure. And she will never be alone with DD. We already had that talk when she asked about helping us with childcare and mentioned keeping a pack and play at her house.

I didn't mention not only did my mother ignore the abuse from my brother but also from another older male and wasn't supportive when I pressed charges that time. She was also very physically abusive until too big to control and could call her on it. The emotional abuse continued hence no contact. So DD will never be unsupervised with her and her in person contact will be limited

Quite honestly, I have to wonder why you would ever give her an opening in your life.

It's complicated. My father's dead, my brother and his family do not exist to me my mother while abusive towards me and full of faults has had moments of trying. First gen immigrant family, sweeping things under the rug. I was very conditioned to think this behavior was normal and when I got myself enough therapy and help I made huge boundaries and things were fine for years until they weren't and then I cut her off. She will never be alone with our child and will have limited access as is. If at all given her recent asks

There’s no culture where this is okay. That is B.S. Please don’t let your mother make this out to be anything other than her being a monster, and your brother being the same. You and your daughter deserve so much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP others have said it but I do think it bears repeating: you need to discuss in therapy why you want your mother to play any role no matter how minuscule in your daughters life.

Because she will tell your daughter she has cousins. And you will need to explain— on your mother’s timeline and not your own— why they aren’t in your child’s life. And that isn’t a choice I would allow your mother to take from you. I would wait to decide about a meeting until you had already told your child about your family history, and if that means your mother meets her granddaughter on her 13th birthday so be it.

New poster. The post above is very perceptive, and OP, you should heed what I've put into bold. Your mother WILL eventually do any or all of the following:

--Tell your DD she has cousins, as PP says. Then YOU will have to deal with questions from DD, who as she grows up will hear from other kids about how they play with cousins, visit cousins, etc.

--Tell your brother about your DD, if she hasn't done so already. "Ooops, it was a slip." "I'm just so crazy about the baby, I couldn't help bragging about her in front of him." "His kids are such good kids, and they'd love to know her." And so on.

--Do an end run around your boundaries by using your DH's family. If you cut out your mom from your life again (and yes, I agree with many PPs that you should do so) -- PLEASE, you and your DH need to have a very serious and clear talk with his family about never, ever giving your mother, brother or SIL any information whatsoever about you, your DD or your DH either. She or your brother might come to DH's family and cry that there's a family emergency blah blah and they neeeeed to reach you but you won't respond, and will DH's family please help them. Be prepared! DH's family needs to be told, if they haven't before now, that you and your family are entirely estranged and your brother and mother are actual physical dangers to your child. You don't have to identify it as SA, or go into details of what your brother did to you, OP, but your DH and you should be very clear that there was childhood abuse. And that DH's family must not believe any sob stories your mother or brother tell them about needing to reach you or, God forbid, trying to see DD while DD is staying with DH's family, for instance.

Please talk to your therapist about why you are trying to find some excuses to soften what your mother has done to you. You mention that there may be cultural reasons, etc. Can you see how that is making excuses for her? Cut off all contact and immediately start doublinig down in therapy re: why you are so craving having her in your life that you seek out reasons why she may not be as culpable as she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the worry about the brother knowing? Has he threatened you or your family?

My brother is a pedophile and I am uncomfortable with him knowing about DD and knowing what she looks while he won't ever have direct access to her I am uncomfortable with him knowing what she looks like. For all the reasons I'm sure you can imagine

I think you need to work on this with your therapist. There are likely pedophiles on your street that are much more of a danger than he is. But you hyperfocus on him and the control over this because of your trauma. It's not a real fear, though.

You have unresolved trauma with your Mother and are avoiding that issue by focusing on this issue instead. You need to work through the real emotions this is bringing up and not the imaginary ones.

+1
OP once the baby is here you will be swamped and have less time. I’d really focus now on extra therapy sessions. Guarantee you have come into much closer contact and your daughter also will with awful pedophiles. You’re putting too much weight and energy into keeping her existence and appearance away from your brother. I see that that’s a way for you to feel in control, but is using a lot of energy and it’s only being set up to fail. The amount of energy you will need to exert to keep your daughter off all social media down the road once she has her own sports and academic successes will be extreme. It’s also going to pass unhealthy paranoia onto her at an early age. Put your energy into moving on, and that likely involves cutting ties with your mother. She certainly has told them or at least the kids, so this delicate newly renewed relationship will implode.