close friend's mom died suddenly- won't say why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having said this, it is interesting that she hasn't shared anything to you (her close friend). Nonwithstanding details about your communication and friendship, it's pretty standard that the newly grieving want to 'tell their story.'

I completely disagree with this statement. Some people may wish to "share." Just as many do not.

[Anonymous]

OP is seems to me that undoutedly it was something perceived as taboo, such as suicide. Once I knew a woman that I worked with whose husband died while performing (is that the right verb?) the autoerotic asphixiation thing. No one would say how he died. Something embarrassing. Nevertheless, be there for her no matter what...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How will knowing how your friend's mother died help to prepare for the potential loss of your own parents? Nothing prepares you for that. And you'll go on - you have to. My advice is to enjoy the time you have with your own mom and to let your friend grieve however she wants to.

When I was in 8th grade a classmate's father died quite suddenly while playing in the street with his kids. He was in his early to mid 30's. My friend/classmate was back to school within a couple of days and was very graceful about her loss. A year later my own dad died suddenly in his 40's. My parents were divorced, he was an alcoholic (probably the cause of his death) and we were not especially close but it still hit me pretty hard. I think it would have been a lot harder on me if I hadn't had my friend's graceful example to follow. I never forgot that and I know it really helped me through my own grief. A couple of years later another friend's mom died (not quite as suddenly but still young. She had been ill for a short time) and I felt like I had better coping skills to help her through her grief. I think we can really learn a lot from each other as humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think there absolutely is a difference in the grieving process for someone who loses their mother at 52 after a long battle with cancer vs someone who loses their mother at 52 suddenly. And I would suspect that there is also a difference in grief over a suicide vs a homicide vs an accident vs a medical incident.

Everyone's grieving process is different, and it's not really all about how or why the loved one died. Not that this is totally irrelevant, but it's not the primary factor. Forewarning in the form of illness doesn't always leave people better prepared to process death, for example. Anyway, we all get why the OP is curious, but it's a little foolish to go jumping to dramatic conclusions simply because the friend isn't dishing details on the cause of death. It's her life and her mom, not CSI.

NP here. Thank you for saying this. I sensed that the previous poster has absolutely no experience with death after cancer. Death of a parent is a shock, no matter what the cause.

Also, OP--you are indeed warped for even giving a sh*t how her mother died. If she's your "close" friend, you should be posting here about how you can support her in her grief and nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think there absolutely is a difference in the grieving process for someone who loses their mother at 52 after a long battle with cancer vs someone who loses their mother at 52 suddenly. And I would suspect that there is also a difference in grief over a suicide vs a homicide vs an accident vs a medical incident.

Everyone's grieving process is different, and it's not really all about how or why the loved one died. Not that this is totally irrelevant, but it's not the primary factor. Forewarning in the form of illness doesn't always leave people better prepared to process death, for example. Anyway, we all get why the OP is curious, but it's a little foolish to go jumping to dramatic conclusions simply because the friend isn't dishing details on the cause of death. It's her life and her mom, not CSI.

NP here. Thank you for saying this. I sensed that the previous poster has absolutely no experience with death after cancer. Death of a parent is a shock, no matter what the cause.

Also, OP--you are indeed warped for even giving a sh*t how her mother died. If she's your "close" friend, you should be posting here about how you can support her in her grief and nothing more.

Actually, I did lose someone very close to cancer at 52. And although it was a shock, the fact that there was time to process the terminal diagnosis absolutely helped me handle things better in the immediate term, which is what I was trying to get at. There's shock over the loss, absolutely. But something that happens suddenly, a heart attack in a seemingly healthy person, or a stroke, or a car accident is a shock in and of itself, and when that has happened (to me), getting through the shock to the grief has taken more time.

[Anonymous]

aprilmayjune wrote:My opinion - I think you need to leave it be and help your friend grieve for her mother. If and when she's ready for you to find out, you will.

Agree 100%. Your obsessing sounds like you're looking for scandal and ignoring your friend's needs.

[Anonymous]

If she is such a close friend of yours, why don't you stop "obsessing" over how she died and be there for her. It shouldn't matter how she died...I bet your friend needs a friend right now. Does it make a difference if she died in a car accident, overdose, natural causes, suicide, etc? No...her mom is gone...that's all she cares about.

[Anonymous]

I think OP could benefit from talking to a therapist. I mean that in a kind way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:00:01 not every nurse has "easy access to drugs".
open up your mind, lady!

Not 00:01 but just laughing at the tiny things people will get up in as about. It's a fact that healthcare providers, including nurses, often have easier access to medication than the general public. This is not an offensive or closed-minded statement.

If by chance you are a nurse with easy access to drugs, I recommend taking a CHILL PILL.

I'm a nurse, doing night shift and the drugs I have access to right now are Infant Ibuprofen and Zantac.
It is an offensive statement. I just can't stand this kind of generalization.

As a nurse myself, it is a well known fact that doctors and nurses have the highest rates of drug abuse in any profession because... of their easy access to drugs. It is not an ignorant statement. it is fact. I'm sorry you took this personally, and I believe you are an honorable person, as is the profession. However, there are bad people in every group, and some, knowing how easy it is to get, and hide, medication will be able to easily get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see where all the meanies are today. It's not like the OP said that her friend's mom died in a car accident, but did she die of a broken neck or internal bleeding? Or she was murdered, but was she shot or stabbed? She's not being a jerk looking for some gross, inappropriate details.

I don't know whether OP is a "jerk" or not, but she is indeed looking for inappropriate details; if her friend has not shared the cause of death, then it is none of OP's business. Googling and asking people on this board how else she can "find out" information that her friend is clearly not interested in sharing is indeed seeking out inappropriate details not intended for her consumption.

Agree. The friend wants privacy regarding cause of death. Just because OP can search for the info online or ask for search ideas on an anonymous board where the friend won't know, doesn't make it okay. It's dishonesty, and it undermines the integrity of the friendship.

[Anonymous]

I also think OP's curiousity is understandable. This is shocking news and people always want to understand "why". I went through the same thing, OP, when my 38 YO cousin froze to death this past winter. Why was he outside? Was he drunk? On drugs? Mugged? Nobody ever did tell me and I still wonder why he seemingly just laid down and died on the freezing cold city streets one night. It still bothers me.

I get where you are coming from. But you do have to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- The circumstance around your friends mother's death are none of your business. She may or may not tell you when she is ready. Be a good friend and stop being nosy.

ITA, since you did ask how you can find out. The cause of death could be totally mundane but she just doesn't want to share that in her grief and some people are simply very private. If you persist in trying to find the cause of death despite her obvious reluctance to tell, you would not be behaving like a real friend.

[Anonymous]

If your friend finds out that you are prying into the cause of death after she's made it clear that she's keeping that private, she'd be well justified in dumping your friendship.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nurse, doing night shift and the drugs I have access to right now are Infant Ibuprofen and Zantac.
It is an offensive statement. I just can't stand this kind of generalization.

There is such an anti-nurse mentality on DCUM---check out the "Nurse at Fairfax" thread. Unsung heroes, for sure. Thanks for your hard work PP--night shift must be especially hard and under-apprecaited!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I totally agree that this has nothing to do with me being a good friend in her time of need. (That said, I AM a good friend, but I think the two can be mutually exclusive).

We are both young - mid 20s - with moms who were born within a year of one another who are 52 years old. It's hard not to imagine yourself in a situation like that - I think about how I depend on my mom SO MUCH more now than I have never did (not financially but for everything else under the sun) and how wholly devastated I'd be if something happened. Like literally, I don't know that I'd be able to go on. That's how bad it would be. And you start to think about this stuff and how maybe my friend really depended on her mom too (although -luckily- they did not have as close of a relationship as I do with my mom) and it really makes me obsess inside about whether she would have taken her own life. It scares me. What could have been so bad that she would do this to her kids? This really would be something I would NEVER be able to move past if it were me.

Highlighted your use of the first person pronoun for effect.

It's not you, it's your friend. Repeat: it's not you, not about you. Got it? Go back to your "mutually exclusive" place and re-evaluate your capacity for friendship. Speaking as someone who lost a close family member to suicide, I wouldn't have welcomed the self-absorbed presence of the likes of you. So don't put yourself out trying to "be there" for her. You'll likely be a drain on her emotional resources.