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close friend's mom died suddenly- won't say why?
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Anonymous
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Oh, I totally agree that this has nothing to do with me being a good friend in her time of need. (That said, I AM a good friend, but I think the two can be mutually exclusive).
We are both young - mid 20s - with moms who were born within a year of one another who are 52 years old. It's hard not to imagine yourself in a situation like that - I think about how I depend on my mom SO MUCH more now than I have never did (not financially but for everything else under the sun) and how wholly devastated I'd be if something happened. Like literally, I don't know that I'd be able to go on. That's how bad it would be. And you start to think about this stuff and how maybe my friend really depended on her mom too (although -luckily- they did not have as close of a relationship as I do with my mom) and it really makes me obsess inside about whether she would have taken her own life. It scares me. What could have been so bad that she would do this to her kids? This really would be something I would NEVER be able to move past if it were me. |
Anonymous
| Honestly just because your friend doesn't want to talk about the cause of death I wouldn't immediately assume that it has to be suicide. People have different ways of dealing with tragedy, especially if it's something that was sudden and unexpected. |
Anonymous
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Sudden heart attack
Seizure -- adult onset -- or her mom had epilepsy and guess what, YOU didn't know. Fall Car accident Drunk driver Medical malpractice Why in the hell would your friend want to talk about it right now? You sound like a lurid ghoul. |
Anonymous
Uncalled for, really. Any time anything happens and someone won't talk about it, of course people will be curious. And although it doesn't "matter", I think there absolutely is a difference in the grieving process for someone who loses their mother at 52 after a long battle with cancer vs someone who loses their mother at 52 suddenly. And I would suspect that there is also a difference in grief over a suicide vs a homicide vs an accident vs a medical incident. |
Anonymous
Everyone's grieving process is different, and it's not really all about how or why the loved one died. Not that this is totally irrelevant, but it's not the primary factor. Forewarning in the form of illness doesn't always leave people better prepared to process death, for example. Anyway, we all get why the OP is curious, but it's a little foolish to go jumping to dramatic conclusions simply because the friend isn't dishing details on the cause of death. It's her life and her mom, not CSI. |
Anonymous
| OP, I have been on the other side of this. Let it go. When my mother died suddenly, I'm sure some of our friends wondered about the cause of death, and I accepted that curiosity as natural and legitimate. But I cannot imagine how I would have felt if someone had flagrantly ignored our clearly expressed desire for privacy by searching for the death certificate. Nothing you are feeling could justify that kind of prying and snooping. |
Anonymous
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I think OP's curiosity is normal -- humans are curious that's how we've gotten so far.
I was thinking stroke when you said she was very healthy and died suddenly. A close family friend died in her 30's from a stroke, it was fast and shocking. |
Anonymous
| I think this is about more than OP's curiosity--As OP mentioned, it's triggering feelings about her own mom and how she might react if faced with such a loss. OP, I totally understand why you feel a need to know the cause of death--perhaps it will help you process what happened within the context of your own life. I think the only thing you can do is be a support to your friend and respect her need for privacy (I'm sure you'll learn what happened eventually)...But it might be helpful for you to focus on what this has triggered in you and why. |
aprilmayjune
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| I still think that despite the fact that curiousity is normal, you need to just respect your friend's wishes and let her tell you in her own time. |
Anonymous
| I don't think OP ever said she was going to go searching for the death certificate or playing CSI. She posted to air her own feelings in a forum that would have absolutely no effect on her friend. I see nothing wrong with that. Anyone who says they would not be wondering about it is a liar. |
Anonymous
| How will knowing how your friend's mother died help to prepare for the potential loss of your own parents? Nothing prepares you for that. And you'll go on - you have to. My advice is to enjoy the time you have with your own mom and to let your friend grieve however she wants to. |
Anonymous
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I would never ask how someone's relative died if it wasn't volunteered.
Its enough to know they died and the person is grieving. Does the manner of death change the sympathy you would offer your friend? |
Anonymous
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OP, how kind of you to be so concerned for your friend. She is in shock right now and likely denial, which may explain her omission of the facts. We all know that you've shared your curiosities here because you wouldn't ask her the circumstances... so continue to be a patient and kind friend to her, as that's what she needs right now.
Having said this, it is interesting that she hasn't shared anything to you (her close friend). Nonwithstanding details about your communication and friendship, it's pretty standard that the newly grieving want to 'tell their story.' In my experiences with bereavement, people talk about the circumstances because they are seeking answers, and want to share their feelings. I'm guessing she isn't doing this because she is in shock, denial, or embarassed (or any combination of the three). Or any member of her family is, and requested the circumstances be kept private. I would imagine in time she will share with you. When that happens, please just listen and make no statements about why she didn't share earlier... it's her prerogative. |
Anonymous
| My guess would be that since she is not telling it probably is a sensitive cause of death. Possibly a suicide or a murder or a disease that is genetic. It could also be that right now they actually do not know and are waiting for autopsy results but at this point do not want to get into explaining all of that. I would also be very curious but right now this needs to be about your friend and her loss and not about your curiousity.... keep on trying to be a good friend and a support for her and respect her privacy. I think it is fine to have asked this question on an anonymous board but would avoid engaging in similar conversations with other friends. Take care. |
Anonymous
| OP- The circumstance around your friends mother's death are none of your business. She may or may not tell you when she is ready. Be a good friend and stop being nosy. |