What do I need to know about dating a black man, as a white woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that dating is one thing and marrying + kids is another.

You need to understand that raising black children is an additional layer of complexity especially as someone who isnt black yourself. If you have black sons, your husband will be able to guide. If you have black daughters, reach out to family members or friends so you can understand their experience(s) and ensure your girls are surrounded by black women.

And you can 100% be an ally, but until you have your own black kids existing in this world, you have no idea how much navigating there is on a day-to-day basis and how much teaching you need to do.

I wouldnt change a thing about my life and who I choose to marry and have kids with but it really didnt hit me until I was raising black children. We all do our best to put our children in the best scenarios and protect them but there is 100% an additional level to raising black children. What you name them, what you teach them, how they are taught to navigate the outside world, how they have to dress and conduct themselves at all times, that they will always be seen as more aggressive than they are or in the case of a female, more sexual. It starts as soon as pre-K with what behavior spectrum children of color are allowed to exhibit versus white children. d

Are you a white parent? What donyou have to teach them thats different?

Yes. Do you want an itemized list?

[Anonymous]

I've been married to my DH who is black for over 30 years so he is from a different generation with different cultural experiences. The most important lesson, which took me a long time to learn, was to validate his feelings and experiences when they are race related. I spent many years excusing white people and different microaggressions and now I realize I should just listen to him and acknowledged those are his feelings so they are valid.

[Anonymous]

I'm the Latina who posted previously. I was watching Vida the other day and it was the episode where the younger sister was high and being very loud late at night at a taco truck while she was out with Johnny (former Latino boyfriend from her neighborhood). She starts making loud comments toward some cops standing nearby. Johnny tells her to calm down and keep quiet because she's going to get him arrested or beat on by the cops. She's white passing and has lived in a wealthy area for years while dating white guys, so she seems to have forgotten these sorts of social rules that apply to people of color. Don't be like her. And don't do anything that could give the cops a reason to approach the two of you because it might not end well for him, especially if the cop is a white man who doesn't like white women being with black guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. He's biracial not black.

2. the fact that you asked this question and can't seem to figure out how not be offensive or think there's some sort of " black check list" is offensive and doesn't bode well for you.

In America, biracial is just a theoretical term in my opinion. If one of the parent is Black, that child is black. I don't care if has green eyes with fair skin he is black!

Well you're wrong, and your opinion is dated and racist.

How is it racist? That is exactly how race works in this country. No one cares what race your parents are when forming an opinion of you. If you look black, you will be treated as such. Skin tone is really the determining factor here. Not parentage. I know some hate to hear that.

But you said even if fair skin and green eyes. So doesn’t look black and won’t be treated as such.

You haven't been around many black people have you?

There are many many black people with fair skin and green eyes. And those are black people with two black parents.

No I'm pointing out your contradictory statements.

1) If you look black, you will be treated as such. Skin tone is really the determining factor here.

and

2) If one of the parent is Black, that child is black

Have you been around enough biracial people to know that they don't always look black? You're clearly no expert if you make such obviously contradictory statements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married to my DH who is black for over 30 years so he is from a different generation with different cultural experiences. The most important lesson, which took me a long time to learn, was to validate his feelings and experiences when they are race related. I spent many years excusing white people and different microaggressions and now I realize I should just listen to him and acknowledged those are his feelings so they are valid.

Thank you for saying this. I think I do it, but will make sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the Latina who posted previously. I was watching Vida the other day and it was the episode where the younger sister was high and being very loud late at night at a taco truck while she was out with Johnny (former Latino boyfriend from her neighborhood). She starts making loud comments toward some cops standing nearby. Johnny tells her to calm down and keep quiet because she's going to get him arrested or beat on by the cops. She's white passing and has lived in a wealthy area for years while dating white guys, so she seems to have forgotten these sorts of social rules that apply to people of color. Don't be like her. And don't do anything that could give the cops a reason to approach the two of you because it might not end well for him, especially if the cop is a white man who doesn't like white women being with black guys.

Wow. I am not loud or a partier, but will definitely keep this in mind - thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the Latina who posted previously. I was watching Vida the other day and it was the episode where the younger sister was high and being very loud late at night at a taco truck while she was out with Johnny (former Latino boyfriend from her neighborhood). She starts making loud comments toward some cops standing nearby. Johnny tells her to calm down and keep quiet because she's going to get him arrested or beat on by the cops. She's white passing and has lived in a wealthy area for years while dating white guys, so she seems to have forgotten these sorts of social rules that apply to people of color. Don't be like her. And don't do anything that could give the cops a reason to approach the two of you because it might not end well for him, especially if the cop is a white man who doesn't like white women being with black guys.

Wow. I am not loud or a partier, but will definitely keep this in mind - thank you.

Definitely keep it in mind because it's definitely true in real life .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married to my DH who is black for over 30 years so he is from a different generation with different cultural experiences. The most important lesson, which took me a long time to learn, was to validate his feelings and experiences when they are race related. I spent many years excusing white people and different microaggressions and now I realize I should just listen to him and acknowledged those are his feelings so they are valid.

If my white husband had done this, I wouldn’t be divorcing him right now. Instead, he would appoint himself as an unpaid lawyer for racist white people and defend their behavior to me.

[Anonymous]

Follow his lead. If he has always dated white women and are all of his friends are white, he probably doesn’t even want to discuss topics of race with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. He's biracial not black.

2. the fact that you asked this question and can't seem to figure out how not be offensive or think there's some sort of " black check list" is offensive and doesn't bode well for you.

In America, biracial is just a theoretical term in my opinion. If one of the parent is Black, that child is black. I don't care if has green eyes with fair skin he is black!

Well you're wrong, and your opinion is dated and racist.

How is it racist? That is exactly how race works in this country. No one cares what race your parents are when forming an opinion of you. If you look black, you will be treated as such. Skin tone is really the determining factor here. Not parentage. I know some hate to hear that.

But you said even if fair skin and green eyes. So doesn’t look black and won’t be treated as such.

You haven't been around many black people have you?

There are many many black people with fair skin and green eyes. And those are black people with two black parents.

No I'm pointing out your contradictory statements.

1) If you look black, you will be treated as such. Skin tone is really the determining factor here.

and

2) If one of the parent is Black, that child is black

Have you been around enough biracial people to know that they don't always look black? You're clearly no expert if you make such obviously contradictory statements.

Biracial people mixed with Black are Black. Nothing contradictory here.. 99.99% of people with a black parent and a white parent still look black. I know it hurts to admit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. He's biracial not black.

2. the fact that you asked this question and can't seem to figure out how not be offensive or think there's some sort of " black check list" is offensive and doesn't bode well for you.

In America, biracial is just a theoretical term in my opinion. If one of the parent is Black, that child is black. I don't care if has green eyes with fair skin he is black!

Well you're wrong, and your opinion is dated and racist.

How is it racist? That is exactly how race works in this country. No one cares what race your parents are when forming an opinion of you. If you look black, you will be treated as such. Skin tone is really the determining factor here. Not parentage. I know some hate to hear that.

But you said even if fair skin and green eyes. So doesn’t look black and won’t be treated as such.

You haven't been around many black people have you?

There are many many black people with fair skin and green eyes. And those are black people with two black parents.

No I'm pointing out your contradictory statements.

1) If you look black, you will be treated as such. Skin tone is really the determining factor here.

and

2) If one of the parent is Black, that child is black

Have you been around enough biracial people to know that they don't always look black? You're clearly no expert if you make such obviously contradictory statements.

Biracial people mixed with Black are Black. Nothing contradictory here.. 99.99% of people with a black parent and a white parent still look black. I know it hurts to admit.

Then why is 'skin tone the determining factor?' Apparently it has nothing to do with it. It's all the one drop rule. You said it yourself "skin tone" but even you don't believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Latino, but I'll try to answer.

Don't do any cringe things like ask questions about his hair.

Don't assume his family is dirt poor or that none of them went to college.

Don't be surprised when random Black women give you two dirty looks or speak about you loudly.

Personally, I'd try to frequent bars/hang out places that attract a mixed race crowd, as opposed to places where either of you would be one of the only non-White or non-Black people there.

Thank you for this! I've already caught a few surprised/dirty looks.

+2 I dated a Black Hispanic/Latino guy, he 110% identified as Hispanic, family from DR, spoke fluent Spanish, etc. etc. and he mostly dated white and Hispanic girls, and when we started dating he was like, we can’t go to these few bars because the girls I’ve dated have had drinks poured on them there by black girls. White people never cared.

Lol. White women care very much when it’s a Black woman with an attractive, successful white man. I’m a Black woman who has only dated white men and who has been married to a white man for over 10 years. Dealing with white women has been a headache. I had virtually only white girlfriends until I got engaged at 26 and then one by one, they all seemed to become rabid and deranged. One actually told me that my husband and I aren’t meant to be because she allegedly had a dream in which my husband was marrying a blonde.

Last week, I got elbowed by a white woman at, of all things, a fundraiser for impoverished DC-area children. She smiled at my husband when he walked in, stared at him all the way until he sat next to me (I entered first while he parked the car), and then widened her eyes and scowled when he kissed me. My husband is tall, handsome, and dresses like the descendant of Boston Brahmins that he is lol. Karen and her friend kept staring at me and my husband as we pretended not to notice them. When I went to the bathroom, Karen was standing outside it and as I exited, she entered without giving me a chance to finish leaving, and made sure to “accidentally” elbow me on the way in. Par for the course. I didn’t pay her any attention because trash is beneath my notice.

Anyway, white people are hardly immune to jealousy over interracial relationships. Please don’t lie to yourself.

File this under #thingsthatneverhappened

[Anonymous]

OJ Simpson ring a bell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a black man for 7 years. College boyfriend. My parents cut me off. I barely speak to them now even though I am closer to 50 than 40. He was the best relationship I ever had.

Checkerboard Chick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:that dating is one thing and marrying + kids is another.

You need to understand that raising black children is an additional layer of complexity especially as someone who isnt black yourself. If you have black sons, your husband will be able to guide. If you have black daughters, reach out to family members or friends so you can understand their experience(s) and ensure your girls are surrounded by black women.

And you can 100% be an ally, but until you have your own black kids existing in this world, you have no idea how much navigating there is on a day-to-day basis and how much teaching you need to do.

I wouldnt change a thing about my life and who I choose to marry and have kids with but it really didnt hit me until I was raising black children. We all do our best to put our children in the best scenarios and protect them but there is 100% an additional level to raising black children. What you name them, what you teach them, how they are taught to navigate the outside world, how they have to dress and conduct themselves at all times, that they will always be seen as more aggressive than they are or in the case of a female, more sexual. It starts as soon as pre-K with what behavior spectrum children of color are allowed to exhibit versus white children. d

If they have children their children will be white.

The man is BIRACIAL.

Look at Halle Berry’s Daughter. Look at Lionel Richie’s daughter. This whole thread is annoying.