WFH and empty nest, am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he got depressed during the pandemic. And that you hate him and feel superior. But if you're looking for people to read your OP and say "he sounds horrible!" then no. The problem seems to be more your reaction to him than what he's doing.

This.. BUt also, Op neve liked him. she liked his ambition and the money, and that his job let her be SAHM part-time, now that the kids are in school she doesn't have to pretend anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he got depressed during the pandemic. And that you hate him and feel superior. But if you're looking for people to read your OP and say "he sounds horrible!" then no. The problem seems to be more your reaction to him than what he's doing.

No I’m looking for advice of how to change this, or maybe I am being unreasonable in expecting more?

I can't even tell what you want. One post you can't stand him. Another post you are fine doing things with him but don't want to be his sole person for entertainment (reasonable) and then you're back to not liking him. Frankly, you sound difficult too so maybe its best for both of you to end things.

If you actually want advice, the answer to this is that you rent a co-working space and leave the house every day. You are unhappy with the current arrangement, you have the power to change it. It will probably hurt your husband's feelings, but you can just say that your brain needs dedicated space/time out of the house, which is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he might be depressed, which I can see with being married to you OP. You're pretty difficult.

OP sounds like she's going through menopause with mood swings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you discuss this? Does he wish he had friends? I would lose my mind if my husband expected me to do every single things with him. But that would not make him a narcissist.

If he truly has no interest in having a hobby, making a friend, etc — then it sounds like you are deeply incompatible. None of that makes him a bad person, but you have to decide what to do about it. Because the only person you can change is yourself.

He does feel bad that he doesn’t have friends. But he is difficult to get along with and has trouble making them, especially now that he doesn’t work in an office and doesn’t leave the house. He used to have a good amount of friends, especially at work that he’d get lunch with, but he’s lost touch with them and made zero effort. He keeps saying he’s trying to decide what activity he’d like to do to get out of the house but it’s literally been years that he’s been thinking about it. Like I said, this is not how he used to be and I think he’d be a much happier person if he had any friends locally. And more fun for me to be around. I am currently his entire social life.

Have him start with activities that don’t involve leaving the house. He can get a kindle and find a good book series (or a podcast) to get into. He can play video games. He can get into smoking meats.

[Anonymous]

Is your H fit - or at least in decent health? What about trying pickleball, biking, golf/driving range, gym or rec center membership? Something active may be what’s needed to get out of this (sad) funk. If active not his thing, what about helping him find some weekly commitments, eg Monday morning at library, Tues volunteer gig, Wed afternoon take in a movie, etc. You cannot continue this current way of living - there’s got to be a better way for you both.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s unhealthy that he depends on you for all of his socialization, but unfortunately that is not rare in middle aged men.

I think it’s normal to feel like you want some separation if you are both home together 7 days a week. I WFH pre-pandemic and when my husband started WFH also it felt like an invasion of MY space. I have quirky things I do when I am alone that my husband does not care about and would never question or tease me about - but I refrain from when he’s there. Other friends have said they are the same way even though their husbands also would not care if they do lunges while their lunch heats up or take a 5 min dance break in the afternoon.

I think it’s normal and not self-centering to let your spouse know if you are leaving the house. Neither of us normally leaves the house during the work day so if one of us has a dentist appointment or is just going for a walk, we give each other a heads up. If I let him know I am having lunch or going for a 10 min walk, it is an invitation to join me if his schedule aligns. We don’t know his tone or how minute his updates are, but it doesn’t seem narcissistic. It seem like normal conversation with people you live with.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like he got depressed during the pandemic. And that you hate him and feel superior. But if you're looking for people to read your OP and say "he sounds horrible!" then no. The problem seems to be more your reaction to him than what he's doing. [/quote]


This.. BUt also, Op neve liked him. she liked his ambition and the money, and that his job let her be SAHM part-time, now that the kids are in school she doesn't have to pretend anymore.[/quote]

Funny! I have always made more money than him, even when I was pt. Interesting projection though!

[Anonymous]

This part is so true -

Op never liked him...now that the kids are in school she doesn't have to pretend anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your H fit - or at least in decent health? What about trying pickleball, biking, golf/driving range, gym or rec center membership? Something active may be what’s needed to get out of this (sad) funk. If active not his thing, what about helping him find some weekly commitments, eg Monday morning at library, Tues volunteer gig, Wed afternoon take in a movie, etc. You cannot continue this current way of living - there’s got to be a better way for you both.

He’s fit enough. I have offered to do pickleball or join a hiking group. It’s always no. Or maybe someday. These are things we used to do together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty much that you simply don't like him anymore. When every little innocuous thing is bothering you this much, what is the point in staying together?

+1. If you can't stand your DH's presence, or try to get him to leave the house, and he has no friends, there are underlying issues that you can't solve yourself, OP. He has to want to change. You can't change him. You are incompatible. You have not mentioned one thing you like about him or have in common. Why did you marry him?

I said earlier, he was not like this at all in our 20s and 30s. He had tons of friends and we had fun. He also participated in a few hobbies, as did I. I married him because he was funny, outgoing, loved to travel and had other interests so that I can also have other interests and hobbies of my own.

Now all of that is gone, and I know he wishes it were different but there is only so much I can do. He has to make the effort.

This pretty clear sounds so depression. Losing interest in the things you liked. Distancing from other people. Wanting to change things but not being able. He needs treatment. It has to be something he wants for himself.

But if you approach him about treatment it needs to come from a place of genuine love and concern. Not "I'm annoyed that you're around all the time so go get therapy so I have more time to myself."

[Anonymous]

We both WAH. Kids in HS. I’ve always WAH, husband started in 2020.

We both love it. I work upstairs. He works downstairs. We have our own space, we workout together daily—different gyms. Randomly converse when one had free time. Sometimes a nooner, etc.

He now does all the dog duties. I’ll run to grocery store. Either is available if someone needs something at school or a delivery, etc.

We settled into a great place. But neither is super needy and clingy.