WFH and empty nest, am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

I get it op. My dh retired from the military and is home all the time now. I’ve been wfh for years. We need space from each other and we don’t really get it.

Mine at least has buddies that he texts with throughout the day, and he goes to the gym regularly. I’d probably go nuts if he didn’t have at least that.

I don’t have any solutions, just empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's your coworker. They tell you a lot of boring stuff you don't care about and they hang around you too much. Get used to it.

Yup, my sister is in the same exact scenario and describes her DH as a co-worker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty much that you simply don't like him anymore. When every little innocuous thing is bothering you this much, what is the point in staying together?

+1. If you can't stand your DH's presence, or try to get him to leave the house, and he has no friends, there are underlying issues that you can't solve yourself, OP. He has to want to change. You can't change him. You are incompatible. You have not mentioned one thing you like about him or have in common. Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he got depressed during the pandemic. And that you hate him and feel superior. But if you're looking for people to read your OP and say "he sounds horrible!" then no. The problem seems to be more your reaction to him than what he's doing.

No I’m looking for advice of how to change this, or maybe I am being unreasonable in expecting more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I always tell each other when we are going out for a walk, or showering. It’s just a quick comment, not a long conversation. Thsts not a good example of narcissism - it’s just giving the other a heads-up in case they are looking for us, or need the shower themselves, etc.

I never think to myself “I don’t care” - I barely notice it so obviously you have disdain for him in general.

Do you interrupt your DH’s workday to announce all these things? I work remotely at home 100% and hate the days my DH works from home—which he does at random, because he’s constantly interrupting me and throwing off my momentum. It’s disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

This is why so many people get divorced after their kids leave the house. They realize they don't have anything in common other than the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I always tell each other when we are going out for a walk, or showering. It’s just a quick comment, not a long conversation. Thsts not a good example of narcissism - it’s just giving the other a heads-up in case they are looking for us, or need the shower themselves, etc.

I never think to myself “I don’t care” - I barely notice it so obviously you have disdain for him in general.

Same. In my house, it's more like a common courtesy. Not empty nesters yet (soon), but everyone announces when they're planning to shower just so another family member won't decide to to their laundry or run the dishwasher, or flush the toilet! And with walks, or anytime leaving the house, we just give each other a heads up. Again, common courtesy with "roommates."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty much that you simply don't like him anymore. When every little innocuous thing is bothering you this much, what is the point in staying together?

+1. If you can't stand your DH's presence, or try to get him to leave the house, and he has no friends, there are underlying issues that you can't solve yourself, OP. He has to want to change. You can't change him. You are incompatible. You have not mentioned one thing you like about him or have in common. Why did you marry him?

I said earlier, he was not like this at all in our 20s and 30s. He had tons of friends and we had fun. He also participated in a few hobbies, as did I. I married him because he was funny, outgoing, loved to travel and had other interests so that I can also have other interests and hobbies of my own.

Now all of that is gone, and I know he wishes it were different but there is only so much I can do. He has to make the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he got depressed during the pandemic. And that you hate him and feel superior. But if you're looking for people to read your OP and say "he sounds horrible!" then no. The problem seems to be more your reaction to him than what he's doing.

No I’m looking for advice of how to change this, or maybe I am being unreasonable in expecting more?

I can't even tell what you want. One post you can't stand him. Another post you are fine doing things with him but don't want to be his sole person for entertainment (reasonable) and then you're back to not liking him. Frankly, you sound difficult too so maybe its best for both of you to end things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I always tell each other when we are going out for a walk, or showering. It’s just a quick comment, not a long conversation. Thsts not a good example of narcissism - it’s just giving the other a heads-up in case they are looking for us, or need the shower themselves, etc.

I never think to myself “I don’t care” - I barely notice it so obviously you have disdain for him in general.

Do you interrupt your DH’s workday to announce all these things? I work remotely at home 100% and hate the days my DH works from home—which he does at random, because he’s constantly interrupting me and throwing off my momentum. It’s disrespectful.

Yes. And when he says “I’m going to shower”, I’m literally dressed and at my desk doing work so clearly it doesn’t affect me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have WFH for many years, and worked pt raising kids. My Dh has been 100% from home for the past several years. Kids are at college, and DH has no local friends or family. I do have friends locally and try to get out of the house as much as I can around my FT job to exercise or have lunch with friends.

I am going insane with dh here all the time and no one else in the house. He has narcissistic tendencies as it is and he feels that my entire life needs to revolve around him, and that I should be his entire life as well. I think this is unhealthy.

He is driving me nuts. He expects me to be at his beck and call. Frankly I’m sick of him being around all the time. It’s little things like him telling me he’s going to shower. I do not care. Or he’s going for a walk. I do not care. Why does he need to announce his every movement to me? Let’s have some mystery in our lives! He doesn’t do anything around the house, doesn’t leave the house for days, and isn’t particularly engaged in his job.

Am I just a b**** like he thinks I am or is this a really a unhealthy situation?

Yeah, you're kind of a b. It's actually common courtesy to tell someone if you're leaving the house. Annoyances lead to resentments. Allowing resentments to build up the way you are will lead to contempt, and contempt is a marriage killer. Your feelings are not valid, and you really should make an appointment with a therapist so you can fix your dysfunctional thinking before you get worse. Because from where I sit, he's being the courteous spouse and you're acting entitled and put-out.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t do anything around the house

Any chance you have lingering resentment about this, from when your kids were at home or even now?

He sounds like a dud fwiw. If I were you I would ask him to seek individual therapy because he is not fun to be with. And be clear that between the hours of X and Y he is not to disturb you outside of emergencies.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he might be depressed, which I can see with being married to you OP. You're pretty difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have WFH for many years, and worked pt raising kids. My Dh has been 100% from home for the past several years. Kids are at college, and DH has no local friends or family. I do have friends locally and try to get out of the house as much as I can around my FT job to exercise or have lunch with friends.

I am going insane with dh here all the time and no one else in the house. He has narcissistic tendencies as it is and he feels that my entire life needs to revolve around him, and that I should be his entire life as well. I think this is unhealthy.

He is driving me nuts. He expects me to be at his beck and call. Frankly I’m sick of him being around all the time. It’s little things like him telling me he’s going to shower. I do not care. Or he’s going for a walk. I do not care. Why does he need to announce his every movement to me? Let’s have some mystery in our lives! He doesn’t do anything around the house, doesn’t leave the house for days, and isn’t particularly engaged in his job.

Am I just a b**** like he thinks I am or is this a really a unhealthy situation?

I get being put off by someone who doesn’t help around the house or have any ambition/passion in life, but the bolder seems normal to me. DH and I both WAH and will tell each other when we go for a walk so the other knows where we are. We will plan to take coffee breaks together and so we may mention I have a meeting at X time or I plan to shower at lunch or whatever. But we actually enjoy being around each other.

It sounds like you don’t like your DH very much and now that there aren’t kids at home you can’t avoid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I always tell each other when we are going out for a walk, or showering. It’s just a quick comment, not a long conversation. Thsts not a good example of narcissism - it’s just giving the other a heads-up in case they are looking for us, or need the shower themselves, etc.

I never think to myself “I don’t care” - I barely notice it so obviously you have disdain for him in general.

Do you interrupt your DH’s workday to announce all these things? I work remotely at home 100% and hate the days my DH works from home—which he does at random, because he’s constantly interrupting me and throwing off my momentum. It’s disrespectful.

And when you say your version of, "Hon, I really want to hear all the things, but I can't now since I am in the middle of the work day. Let's talk at lunch (or dinner) time," what does he do? You will need to keep repeating/reinforcing with a smile.