So far I love being divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watching a few post-divorce lives play out over the years, my anecdotal sense is that there is a burst of exciting energy and then it's a return to the grind of life.

I'm not saying the divorce was a bad idea. These people had relationships that weren't exactly horrible, but they weren't good and I'm not sure how fixable they would have been with any amount of effort. The women, in particular, went through a stretch where the novelty of new guys, not having to deal with the old guys, etc. was really energizing. But, after a year or two, they mostly stopped dating and the reduced income became a drag.

Yep. Seen this play out several times recently in my neighborhood when the wife instigated the divorce in order to play the field or was caught cheating. A year or so later, the loss of income and middle age with baggage isn't attracting the men they thought it would and they look beaten down.

On the flip side, a few women who had devastating things ---husband ran off with someone else, got someone else pregnant, abusive situations, etc...these women are thriving. I have seen a few in healthy new long term relationships or just really top of their game in their careers and social lives.

That could be more a result of the type of 'person' and a little bit of karma mixed in. Those that are just chasing the next thing and never happy so they keep pursuing new relationship energy, material things, etc. will never be happy. They will go back to their base level of misery and blame the 'person' or situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Watching a few post-divorce lives play out over the years, my anecdotal sense is that there is a burst of exciting energy and then it's a return to the grind of life.

I'm not saying the divorce was a bad idea. These people had relationships that weren't exactly horrible, but they weren't good and I'm not sure how fixable they would have been with any amount of effort. The women, in particular, went through a stretch where the novelty of new guys, not having to deal with the old guys, etc. was really energizing. But, after a year or two, they mostly stopped dating and the reduced income became a drag.

Yep. Seen this play out several times recently in my neighborhood when the wife instigated the divorce in order to play the field or was caught cheating. A year or so later, the loss of income and middle age with baggage isn't attracting the men they thought it would and they look beaten down.

On the flip side, a few women who had devastating things ---husband ran off with someone else, got someone else pregnant, abusive situations, etc...these women are thriving. I have seen a few in healthy new long term relationships or just really top of their game in their careers and social lives.

That could be more a result of the type of 'person' and a little bit of karma mixed in. Those that are just chasing the next thing and never happy so they keep pursuing new relationship energy, material things, etc. will never be happy. They will go back to their base level of misery and blame the 'person' or situation.

In my case it was my XH with the midlife crisis and he was never satisfied with life always pursuing material things. He is onto a new relationship quickly and I do worry about my kids in that aspect but so far it seems ok.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP! I have 3 friends (2 with kids 1 without) who are divorced and they are all happier than before. Including their kids.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is at the crossroads of divorce but too chicken to do it, this post is so encouraging. The unknown of divorce is so daunting but this post gives me hope that so many are finding happiness in the aftermath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is at the crossroads of divorce but too chicken to do it, this post is so encouraging. The unknown of divorce is so daunting but this post gives me hope that so many are finding happiness in the aftermath.

Having recently been unceremoniously dumped after a long marriage, this post helps me, too. I didn’t want the divorce, but am hoping for some sort of phoenix from the ashes situation once I glue myself back together. Kintsugi or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is at the crossroads of divorce but too chicken to do it, this post is so encouraging. The unknown of divorce is so daunting but this post gives me hope that so many are finding happiness in the aftermath.

Having recently been unceremoniously dumped after a long marriage, this post helps me, too. I didn’t want the divorce, but am hoping for some sort of phoenix from the ashes situation once I glue myself back together. Kintsugi or something.

OP here. I think the phoenix part is if you're willing to do the work on yourself. Therapy taught me to recognize abuse, narcissism, my own negative and limited beliefs about myself, and then being in control of my own life gave me the confidence I needed.

FWIW if I were to categorize my marriage it would be that I was a people-pleasing empath who gave up too much of my own career and freedom and my XH was a manipulative narcissist who figured out how to control me. I got out and it was scary but that's why I'm so happy now.

[Anonymous]

I love how every bad marriage has at least one narcissist. That’s a lot. I am staying home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how every bad marriage has at least one narcissist. That’s a lot. I am staying home.

Okay. Kind people who love their spouses tend to stay married, obviously.

[Anonymous]

At CPAC they just said they are coming for divorces.

Meaning women will not be able to divorce men.

IF you vote Republican you are an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At CPAC they just said they are coming for divorces.

Meaning women will not be able to divorce men.

IF you vote Republican you are an idiot.

Handmaid’s Tale

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go read Lyz Lenz's book that comes out today. This American Ex-Wife.

Congrats on rebuilding your life. My parents split, and I think seeing them both find happiness was really empowering for me. I choose my husband more carefully than they did, but I also know that if my relationship isn't serving me, I can move on and be ok.

I saw the wapo article with her. Maggie Smith also wrote a divorce memoir. There is a shift.

Great recommendation PP. I read this american ex-wife in two days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Watching a few post-divorce lives play out over the years, my anecdotal sense is that there is a burst of exciting energy and then it's a return to the grind of life.

I'm not saying the divorce was a bad idea. These people had relationships that weren't exactly horrible, but they weren't good and I'm not sure how fixable they would have been with any amount of effort. The women, in particular, went through a stretch where the novelty of new guys, not having to deal with the old guys, etc. was really energizing. But, after a year or two, they mostly stopped dating and the reduced income became a drag.

Yep. Seen this play out several times recently in my neighborhood when the wife instigated the divorce in order to play the field or was caught cheating. A year or so later, the loss of income and middle age with baggage isn't attracting the men they thought it would and they look beaten down.

On the flip side, a few women who had devastating things ---husband ran off with someone else, got someone else pregnant, abusive situations, etc...these women are thriving. I have seen a few in healthy new long term relationships or just really top of their game in their careers and social lives.

That could be more a result of the type of 'person' and a little bit of karma mixed in. Those that are just chasing the next thing and never happy so they keep pursuing new relationship energy, material things, etc. will never be happy. They will go back to their base level of misery and blame the 'person' or situation.

So the more virtuous women are better off after divorce then? This sounds made up.

[Anonymous]

I'm another one who is very happy these days! I have a full life, my kids are happy and thriving-accoriding to them and to the professionals at school/ect. I don't care about the opinion of angry divorce kid poster. I'm not dating and do not plan to, I'm a bit older than pps in this thread.

I get along reasonably well with the ex, we co parent pretty well and he doesnt annoy me too much now that I'm not stuck with him lol. He has a gf that the kids like well enough. She doesn't live with him but when she's around he does things like cleans his house and buys groceries, so that's good for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm another one who is very happy these days! I have a full life, my kids are happy and thriving-accoriding to them and to the professionals at school/ect. I don't care about the opinion of angry divorce kid poster. I'm not dating and do not plan to, I'm a bit older than pps in this thread.

I get along reasonably well with the ex, we co parent pretty well and he doesnt annoy me too much now that I'm not stuck with him lol. He has a gf that the kids like well enough. She doesn't live with him but when she's around he does things like cleans his house and buys groceries, so that's good for the kids.

+1 Sounds familiar. The GF in my case is a teacher (um, great!). She is quiet and friendly. Totally different from me (wait, I didn’t mean it that way). But it all sorted out. Modeling different families and moving past conflicts has been good for my teens.

Plus, I am having fun and doing things i’ve always wanted to do with friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same here OP although I have no plans to ever even date again because I’m so happy alone. My ex and I are both low drama people and we have a calm, friendly coparenting relationship. It’s so much better than the bad, tense marriage we were trapped in.

My marriage is so-so at best, and we're trying to work on it in counseling, but this will be me if we don't work out. Thankfully DH is (mostly) sane, we're low drama, and committed to our kids. Thanks for painting a positive picture OP and PPs that divorce isn't a complete disaster.