Absent minded professor DH and vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd send him to the doctor. He sounds low T and also needs ADHD meds. See if those make a difference.

Op here. I’ve already done that. Doc said he’s fine. Not depressed, not low T. I know DH is absolutely ADHD but doc wouldn’t prescribe him adderall.

Why not?

It sounds like he does not want to be a parent at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd send him to the doctor. He sounds low T and also needs ADHD meds. See if those make a difference.

Op here. I’ve already done that. Doc said he’s fine. Not depressed, not low T. I know DH is absolutely ADHD but doc wouldn’t prescribe him adderall.

Why not?

It sounds like he does not want to be a parent at all.

Op here. I’m not sure. I imagine if DH were to pursue medical care more tenaciously he could get adderall but that’s not going to happen and I can’t force him to go to the doctor consistently or follow the recommendations.

[Anonymous]

My dad was like this too. Wouldn't even notice if we were sick. Didn't put coats on us. No meals. Just clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

I think it's worth unpacking this a bit - like, what is your husband's bottom line perspective about this? That the injuries and dirty butts and glass on the floor and hungry kids are not a problem? That they will resolve themselves? That he's following your dad's lead, so everything is fine? I'd just try to dig into.... who does he think will solve these problems? Does he agree that they are problems? If not, why? Is he open to a parenting class that you could take together? This is obviously way bigger than a vacation issue.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm exhausted just reading your post. You think if things are not 100% structured everything will fall apart. Your DH doesn't. Your version of vacation is my personal hell. Nothing relaxing about it. Let your DH and dad handle the kids for a few days. It will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

Okay clearly your DH is a major issue but have to ask why you are even taking your dad on vacation with you? It sounds like he is just another source of resentment- enabling dH and compounding the problem. You sound like a glutton for punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

I do not like your husband. I do not think you should like your husband! This is not ok! I'm not saying you should leave, but it seems like at this point you should assume he's going to be totally unhelpful and figure out how to structure your life around that. Do you ever get a break? Do you have any child care? Why are you going on a vacation that is going to stress you out further with two people who are contemptuous of you?

[Anonymous]

Nothing to add except that a large percentage of male professors I have know have been divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

It’s DH’s sibling’s child and we’ve had him since he was 2, so he’s very much part of our family now, and I’m not sure if reunification will ever be possible. I don’t think that’s the heart of the issue.

I do actually like my DH in general. I think he’s cute and he’s brilliant and we do have a lot of similar interests and I enjoy talking with him. He’s interesting and does well one on one.

Kids club isn’t possible for 2/3 of our kids. We’ve tried. We stayed at an all inclusive last year and they got kicked out of the kids club because they have behavioral issues and special needs. They can’t even be in daycare.

When I talk about going out and doing activities I literally mean, taking a walk into town, going to the pool, etc. Even galvanizing DH and my father to do these things is a huge undertaking.

I do give very specific instructions to DH but the instructions can never be specific enough. Examples:
-asked him to do laundry. He threw a bunch of stuff in there with sand and now the washer isn’t working and I’m worried the rental is going to pin it on us

-asked him to pack some snacky things for us in the bag since I was stuck watching the kids. We had fruit, crackers, granola bars. He instead took half a loaf of bread and threw it loose into the bag with a jar of peanut butter. No knife. Bread wasn’t in any kind of bag.

-asked him to run to the grocery store. He got maybe half the items on the list. So for example, he got cereal but no milk. He got Mac and cheese but no butter or milk. I had to go back. He said he couldn’t find the stuff.

If he is claiming to be legitimately unable to find butter/milk in a grocery store (and apparently also unable to ask a store worker for assistance) then he’s either a complete moron or an a**hole/liar. In this case I would laugh in his face and tell him to go back and try again rather than step in and do it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.

Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.

[Anonymous]

I…honestly see very little appealing about this man. And I get the control/hypercompetence thing—frequently you do just need to drop the rope and be ok with “clean clothes that aren’t folded” or “a meal of snacks plus cheese”. But if he can’t do that, and he’s not providing the kids with emotional connection nor their basic needs, then what is the point?

It sounds profoundly lonely. And at that point it would be better to be alone than together and lonely. I’d get a robust settlement/child support, plan that he’ll fade out as an involved father, and hire a special needs babysitter and get some god damn down time.

(Also, you’ve dropped in a number of hints, but I wonder if it will be easier to parent your high needs children without your husband. Kids can pick up on a lot. At the very least you might have more energy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

I am the PP - and you are not the ahole, PP. No matter how many people tell you that here, no matter how resistant your husband is. You are not being the ahole.

I don't have any solutions for you - but tons of empathy. It really sounds like you're doing your best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you on vacation? I think it’s fine your dad and husband don’t want to go on some excursion one day. Your kids will be fine. Take them to the park, pool, or beach or throw them out in the snow and let them run around for a couple hours. It’s normal to want to relax on vacation.

Op here. Their definition of relax means we wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything. So that’s simply not an option. It doesn’t have to be a formal structured tour, but for me getting our kids outside and exercising them is 100% non-negotiable (because the alternative is they become whiny and destructive if left to their own devices in the Airbnb).

What would happen if you let the "Relax" day happen and truly relaxed yourself? Get away on your own, find a spa or a pretty view to read a book. That would be a win-win, you get a break and they get to deal with the consequences of their decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you on vacation? I think it’s fine your dad and husband don’t want to go on some excursion one day. Your kids will be fine. Take them to the park, pool, or beach or throw them out in the snow and let them run around for a couple hours. It’s normal to want to relax on vacation.

Op here. Their definition of relax means we wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything. So that’s simply not an option. It doesn’t have to be a formal structured tour, but for me getting our kids outside and exercising them is 100% non-negotiable (because the alternative is they become whiny and destructive if left to their own devices in the Airbnb).

What would happen if you let the "Relax" day happen and truly relaxed yourself? Get away on your own, find a spa or a pretty view to read a book. That would be a win-win, you get a break and they get to deal with the consequences of their decision.

OP to make this work you probably have to stay out until after bedtime.

[Anonymous]

OCD + ADHD is the hardest combination for a marriage. It takes a ton of extra marital work for both, and both need ot be able to understand the other's brain because two brains could not be more different in terms of what matters, what is noticed, what brings pleasure, what is triggering, etc. Polar opposite disorders and both very strong in their beliefs about what is a need.