35, single, and ready to give up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you meeting people? I don't really understand "dating" to be honest. Before I met DH, I had 6 boyfriends in my life ranging from 6 months to 4 years and I didn't meet a single one formally or go out on formal dates with them. If you are meeting people online, stop. Men online feel like they have too many options. Everyone is auditioning and not being themselves. Meet people in real life and be real.

Times are different now. How old are you and how many years have you been married? People aren’t going to the office to work often. Not going to happy hour. Where are folks supposed to meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you attractive? What do you offer?

My 35yo BIL says slim pickings for dating. I know he gets lots of matches online but he always finds faults with women. His problem is that he wants the total package unicorn of looks, brains, kindness, etc. he is very unforgiving of any body fat. BIL is not bad looking, definitely above average but he is not a 10. He wants a 10 in looks. 10 in brains. 10 personality. What he is finding is 9 looks 5 brains 5 personality or 6 looks 10 brains 6 personalities.

kind of O/T but what are 5 brains like? HS dropouts?

Pp here. College grad from not so good college. BIL went to top college and grad school and values educational pedigree. He also wants looks and a personality. He does earn over a million dollars per year so high for his age group. He can’t find what he wants. He also likes natural looking girls so girls who look like tens but not plastic looking girls. He is very specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you attractive? What do you offer?

My 35yo BIL says slim pickings for dating. I know he gets lots of matches online but he always finds faults with women. His problem is that he wants the total package unicorn of looks, brains, kindness, etc. he is very unforgiving of any body fat. BIL is not bad looking, definitely above average but he is not a 10. He wants a 10 in looks. 10 in brains. 10 personality. What he is finding is 9 looks 5 brains 5 personality or 6 looks 10 brains 6 personalities.

kind of O/T but what are 5 brains like? HS dropouts?

Pp here. College grad from not so good college. BIL went to top college and grad school and values educational pedigree. He also wants looks and a personality. He does earn over a million dollars per year so high for his age group. He can’t find what he wants. He also likes natural looking girls so girls who look like tens but not plastic looking girls. He is very specific.

ok then what's 10 brains then? HYPS PhDs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you attractive? What do you offer?

My 35yo BIL says slim pickings for dating. I know he gets lots of matches online but he always finds faults with women. His problem is that he wants the total package unicorn of looks, brains, kindness, etc. he is very unforgiving of any body fat. BIL is not bad looking, definitely above average but he is not a 10. He wants a 10 in looks. 10 in brains. 10 personality. What he is finding is 9 looks 5 brains 5 personality or 6 looks 10 brains 6 personalities.

kind of O/T but what are 5 brains like? HS dropouts?

Pp here. College grad from not so good college. BIL went to top college and grad school and values educational pedigree. He also wants looks and a personality. He does earn over a million dollars per year so high for his age group. He can’t find what he wants. He also likes natural looking girls so girls who look like tens but not plastic looking girls. He is very specific.

ok then what's 10 brains then? HYPS PhDs?

Yes. I went to HYPS grad school and didn’t do anything amazing there. I’m sure he would not consider me a 10.

The last two girls were 10s physically but were lacking in other areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you attractive? What do you offer?

My 35yo BIL says slim pickings for dating. I know he gets lots of matches online but he always finds faults with women. His problem is that he wants the total package unicorn of looks, brains, kindness, etc. he is very unforgiving of any body fat. BIL is not bad looking, definitely above average but he is not a 10. He wants a 10 in looks. 10 in brains. 10 personality. What he is finding is 9 looks 5 brains 5 personality or 6 looks 10 brains 6 personalities.

kind of O/T but what are 5 brains like? HS dropouts?

Pp here. College grad from not so good college. BIL went to top college and grad school and values educational pedigree. He also wants looks and a personality. He does earn over a million dollars per year so high for his age group. He can’t find what he wants. He also likes natural looking girls so girls who look like tens but not plastic looking girls. He is very specific.

I date the kind of women he likes on a fraction of his salary. There must be something “off” about him.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. He is looking for a unicorn. That is why he is still single. He himself is probably a 7 in looks, 10 in brains and 5 in personality. He is very selfish and arrogant in my opinion. I’m sure he thinks he is a 10 personality.

[Anonymous]

Just weighing in to say I'm 47 and never got married and I'm doing just fine! I really wanted to get married in my thirties and some guys wanted to marry me but I never found anyway *I* REALLY wanted to marry. So I didn't. And now I am my worst nightmare from my twenties and thirties - 47 and unmarried and childless. And I am FINE.

Take a couple months off from OLD and then see if you feel like rejoining.

[Anonymous]

My advice to people is that they should date many people, but, they should always combine the date with some interesting activity that they want to pursue. That way, you are not wasting your life on weird dates or boring company.

To begin with, do an online meetup. There has to be at least some attraction. You should not find the person repulsive. Then, plan an activity and after the activity go for a meal. Go dutch and pay for your share of the entire date. Rinse and repeat. You really do not have to have sex with anyone until you are very comfortable and really like the person.

That is the only way you are not wasting your time or disrespecting yourself or the other person. Since you are not having sex, you can go out with many people.

If you are dating for sex or dating for marriage - in both cases, you should protect your money, physical safety, sexual health, fertility and reputation. Don't be stupid and have standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because dating is exhausting. I am so immensely sick of continuously putting myself out there to go on boring dates and having things either just not connect, or each other's lives get in the way of building a real relationship, or finding out that men in their late 30s/40s are just as immature as men were in their 20s when it comes to ghosting and lovebombing and just lying. I also see that my problem is I want to focus on one guy at a time. When I meet someone and it seems like we click, I want to focus on dating that guy and hoping for the best, rather than hedging my bets with a stack of dates through the next two weeks. But it seems like everyone in this game is hedging their bets with other options, and then just chooses the other options instead of me, while I should have kept my options open instead of focusing on one guy at a time.... and so on.

I hate dating. Every time I waste 2-3 hours on dates that go nowhere I wish I was doing something else. I'm seriously thinking about just accepting my life as a perpetually single person and using the extra time to build skills and pursue hobbies that I just haven't found quite enough time to do. With more nights in, I could work on starting a business, or getting back to composing music like I used to do... or both. The thought of that is so much more appealing than the hamster wheel of dating.

Thoughts? Is this rational and healthy, or is this just "cope"?

Try getting to know someone at work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you attractive? What do you offer?

My 35yo BIL says slim pickings for dating. I know he gets lots of matches online but he always finds faults with women. His problem is that he wants the total package unicorn of looks, brains, kindness, etc. he is very unforgiving of any body fat. BIL is not bad looking, definitely above average but he is not a 10. He wants a 10 in looks. 10 in brains. 10 personality. What he is finding is 9 looks 5 brains 5 personality or 6 looks 10 brains 6 personalities.

kind of O/T but what are 5 brains like? HS dropouts?

Pp here. College grad from not so good college. BIL went to top college and grad school and values educational pedigree. He also wants looks and a personality. He does earn over a million dollars per year so high for his age group. He can’t find what he wants. He also likes natural looking girls so girls who look like tens but not plastic looking girls. He is very specific.

I date the kind of women he likes on a fraction of his salary. There must be something “off” about him.

He is 5’11” so not really tall. He is decent looking but not so good looking that girls would trip over him. He is smart and successful but he isn’t flashy so it may not be obvious that he makes a lot of money. He doesn’t seem to go for young girls. He keeps meeting and dating women in their thirties who he deems not someone he sees a future with.

We have set him up with a handful of women and he isn’t interested. I have given up. Most recently, my friend’s friend was perfect but BIL didn’t find her attractive enough. The mom thinks the world of her daughter and couldn’t understand why BIL wasn’t interested. I don’t remember what I said but I couldn’t say your daughter isn’t pretty enough.

[Anonymous]

DW and I met on-line. Both of us are professionals who did not have the time to randomly date. We each knew what we wanted and knew within a few dates that we would remain together. Exclusive after a month. Engaged after 15 months. Married after two years.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't settle. It doesn't happen for everyone, wasting years of your precious life to find out and get divorced is not worth it. I am 50, if I could give advice to the 35 yo version of me, I would say: have a child by yourself if you want to, but don't settle.

Disagree. Settling is worth it if the person is a good person and nice but doesn't have whatever 1,000 point long checklist that many people seem to have in the 35+ dating scene. Find a nice person, the rest you can make it work.

Whatever. Plenty of nice men and women make horrible husband's and wives. They cheat and abuse just like others do. They just also think they are more special as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. He is looking for a unicorn. That is why he is still single. He himself is probably a 7 in looks, 10 in brains and 5 in personality. He is very selfish and arrogant in my opinion. I’m sure he thinks he is a 10 personality.

This! I dated someone like this although he was a 9 in looks and had a very nice personality. He broke up with me saying “something was off” then called me again months later after I had already started dating DH. Obviously we didn’t rekindle anything at that point. He stayed single for TEN MORE YEARS before he found his unicorn. I hope he is truly happy but …. How exhausting!

[Anonymous]

Take a break from online. Join some activities. Join a new gym. I met my husband at 34 at a martial art. Try rock climbing. Skiing. Running. I know a great 35 year old that’s single. He’s busy doing activities and sports. Good luck OP. Figure out what you want. Be who you are.