35, single, and ready to give up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also met my soon to be ex (I pray) husband online at 34 and married at 39, 2 months before turning 40. A 40th birthday gift to myself, or so I wanted to believe. I settled. Should not have married this person. Was afraid I wouldn’t get married. He looked good on paper. We looked good on paper. We were not good in real life. I stayed 20 years. 20 years too long (children). Don’t let your despair get the best of you or settle for less than. Trust your instincts and be fine no matter what’s happening in your life. You are great with or without a husband.

This. I know this is hard advice to follow but do not panic and settle for someone you can’t commit to for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait for the ones coming out of marriages in late 40s and 50s. Give them some breathing room first though.
I have met only two men worth dating and I'm 46. That's almost 30 years of paying attention.

Dating one of these now. He is the type of man I always wanted to marry, but who was already married to someone else. Which he was during the time that I was looking. I should have been more open to this type of person when I was younger, I could have married someone who was a much better fit for me years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait for the ones coming out of marriages in late 40s and 50s. Give them some breathing room first though.
I have met only two men worth dating and I'm 46. That's almost 30 years of paying attention.

Dating one of these now. He is the type of man I always wanted to marry, but who was already married to someone else. Which he was during the time that I was looking. I should have been more open to this type of person when I was younger, I could have married someone who was a much better fit for me years ago.

You always wanted to marry his type but you weren’t open to it when you were younger? This doesn’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also met my soon to be ex (I pray) husband online at 34 and married at 39, 2 months before turning 40. A 40th birthday gift to myself, or so I wanted to believe. I settled. Should not have married this person. Was afraid I wouldn’t get married. He looked good on paper. We looked good on paper. We were not good in real life. I stayed 20 years. 20 years too long (children). Don’t let your despair get the best of you or settle for less than. Trust your instincts and be fine no matter what’s happening in your life. You are great with or without a husband.

One problem as you learned: marriages aren't on paper.

[Anonymous]

Man here with some single friends in your age bracket. I'm guessing you come on too strong (nothing scares a guy away faster than marriage focus on the first date) or have some other issue. Have you ever had a relationship that lasted longer than a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait for the ones coming out of marriages in late 40s and 50s. Give them some breathing room first though.
I have met only two men worth dating and I'm 46. That's almost 30 years of paying attention.

Dating one of these now. He is the type of man I always wanted to marry, but who was already married to someone else. Which he was during the time that I was looking. I should have been more open to this type of person when I was younger, I could have married someone who was a much better fit for me years ago.

You always wanted to marry his type but you weren’t open to it when you were younger? This doesn’t make sense.

I meant I should have been open to older divorced guys when I was younger and single.

[Anonymous]

Don't settle. It doesn't happen for everyone, wasting years of your precious life to find out and get divorced is not worth it. I am 50, if I could give advice to the 35 yo version of me, I would say: have a child by yourself if you want to, but don't settle.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to go on the sidelines for 6 months or so and work on yourself, do fun things, do group things with friends etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also met my soon to be ex (I pray) husband online at 34 and married at 39, 2 months before turning 40. A 40th birthday gift to myself, or so I wanted to believe. I settled. Should not have married this person. Was afraid I wouldn’t get married. He looked good on paper. We looked good on paper. We were not good in real life. I stayed 20 years. 20 years too long (children). Don’t let your despair get the best of you or settle for less than. Trust your instincts and be fine no matter what’s happening in your life. You are great with or without a husband.

One problem as you learned: marriages aren't on paper.

Aren’t you brilliant. Not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Date MANY people but schedule video calls first and then only 30-40 minute meetups if you feel an interest/spark, and be ready to cut those short if needed. Coffee, walks, runs, etc. always where it’s convenient for you (unless you’ve already met this person and are interested). That will lead to less resentment and more people. It’s a numbers game. I married at 35, had kids at 36 and 40, and I went on over 100 first “dates” before finding DH (video chatting wasn’t common then otherwise I think I would have done fewer in person meetups).

That's super weird I would never do a video call with someone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't settle. It doesn't happen for everyone, wasting years of your precious life to find out and get divorced is not worth it. I am 50, if I could give advice to the 35 yo version of me, I would say: have a child by yourself if you want to, but don't settle.

Disagree. Settling is worth it if the person is a good person and nice but doesn't have whatever 1,000 point long checklist that many people seem to have in the 35+ dating scene. Find a nice person, the rest you can make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait for the ones coming out of marriages in late 40s and 50s. Give them some breathing room first though.
I have met only two men worth dating and I'm 46. That's almost 30 years of paying attention.

Disagree. She’s searching in the right age pool. Older men come with their own issues and OP might want kids of her own.

OP, try to remember that good men are also tired of this process. They’re meeting women as well who are disappointing. I’m 40 now and with the man I’ll likely marry, but I had to remind myself of this at your age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't settle. It doesn't happen for everyone, wasting years of your precious life to find out and get divorced is not worth it. I am 50, if I could give advice to the 35 yo version of me, I would say: have a child by yourself if you want to, but don't settle.

Disagree. Settling is worth it if the person is a good person and nice but doesn't have whatever 1,000 point long checklist that many people seem to have in the 35+ dating scene. Find a nice person, the rest you can make it work.

+1000
Nice men really do finish last in the dating world, but they are almost always a home run in marriage. So worth it. Good partners, wonderful fathers, string on fidelity. Stop swiping on a headshot and start flirting with men who have kind eyes.

[Anonymous]

Focus on you and your interests OP. Compose music and start a business. Go to a music group and find business start up networks. The most important person to love in this world is yourself. Everything else will fall into place. Think of the analogy of squeezing a wet bar of soap, the tighter you try to hang onto it, the more it slips away. If you aren't fixated on the searching for a man, he may appear when you least expect it. I know it's hard and frustrating, hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Dating, especially online does seem like a never ending j-o-b!
Ugh!!

Perhaps you should take a break for now (!) and focus more on your life goals or hobbies right now.

Instead of always focusing on other people.

After awhile you can return to the dating process however make sure to give yourself breaks when things get too much.

Good luck! 👍🏽