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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi this is OP again. Thanks for continuing the conversation and offering various perspectives.

It’s correct that I’m not wired in the way that would allow me to have a transactional relationship with someone else (either alone or in front of DH). It’s not that I am a prude, or even the “death do you part” aspect. Because we are more than husband and wife, but friends, I could never do that and give him even more to feel bad about. And I don’t think I could enjoy it because I’ve only enjoyed intimate relationships with people I care about and have feelings for. Before I was married I tried a fling or three and it always left me feeling empty and lonely. I’m sure it would work for other people so I understand the recommendation.

I think the idea of finding someone who specializes in depression stemming from his particular issues might be a good place to start, although I realize the advice might be the same that his current therapist gives.

Does anyone know of someone good?

A friend of mine said I should ask a doctor for a medication that suppresses libido if I really want to live the rest of my life in the situation and not be crazy. Not sure how I feel about that.

[/quote]

I posted earlier at length about getting him evaluated stat for depression. Yes, he needs to see someone who specializes in (as another PP put it) the loss of his sense of himself as a man, a sexual being, a husband.

Your friend who recommended the libido suppression for you is very, very mistaken. What an invasive comment. I'll assume your friend meant well, but you should not undergo the equivalent of chemical castration in order not to feel miserable.

If your DH can get help for the depression that likely makes him have no interest in even pleasuring you to make you happy, then you and he can restructure a new sex life where he can focus on your sexual needs. First he needs that mental health help, and you need to get past fearing you'll be imposing on him or pressuring him if you ask him to meet your needs in the ways he can -- and those ways can be varied and satisfying, even if there is no more PIV, OP. He may actually feel desirable and like he's got a reason to be a husband, if he knows you crave sexual contact but only with him.

I really am rooting for you both. I also, like you, only want sex in a loving, trusting, committed relationship and could never look outside that. Sex is more than just physical, it's mental and emotional, and I think if you and DH can break past the wall he's put up where he feels he's no longer got a sexual role in your marriage, you and he can find a new normal. But please don't buy the therapist's line you cited about (to paraphrase) how your new normal is just giving up and giving in. That therapist's advice was horrible, and defeatist. Your DH needs a new therapist, a specialist who has dealt with patients who lost sexual function.[/quote]

I also posted previously, and I agree here.

Specifically, the first therapist who just told DH to give up and for you to just accept it?  Terrible advice.  Never go back to that person.

Like PP,  I am one of the ones suggesting finding some sort of specialist; maybe a couples counselor specializing in older couples, where loss of sexual function is common?

I also agree your friend gave you poor advice; essentially she’s just saying take a pill and give up.  But how sad is that?!?

About a year back, someone posted a book title; apparently a book about couples in their 60s and beyond, and how they can “adapt.”  I forgot the title (should have just bought it).

Anyone remember?

From the reviews, it had info not just on the man’s ED (and tips to adapt / cope); but also menopause, dryness, loss of dexterity/flexibility (both), alternative positions, coping with differential drives, and also broadening our own views of what constitutes “sex” and “intimacy,” to include many more exciting things - fulfilling things - to do together in the bedroom.

Hope someone has the book title.[/quote]

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