Giving up on Gentle Parenting

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I contemplate this. My girls are mostly good. They each have their moments but they are sweet, kind, thoughtful, and usually will do what we ask of them both in and out of school. They are heavily spoiled though, as we give them anything they want, and we love them to pieces and generally have no boundaries except that they sleep in their beds. I will send them to their rooms as a break from the situation not as a punishment when they are too emotional or rude. Sometimes they can get rude. I am kind of a permissive parent as there are really no set rules or discipline but they do just fine and are rock stars in school both academic and behavior-wise. They are in 2nd grade and a Jr. in High School.

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in that you are SO not alone OP. Also 5 and 7 over here, one ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I started watching old episodes of super nanny with my kids. Then we started implementing some of the techniques. I think my kids watching other kids really misbehaving made them more aware. We have backyard camera and I too the video we watched them fighting.

It seems crazy but it really helped us to set limits and for the kids to understand we could make changes as a family.

Supernanny is gentle parenting. Does she yell at, belittle or hit the kids? No. That's gentle parenting.

Supernanny gives time outs which is a big no-no to gentle parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been parenting with Janet Lansbury-aspirational, How to Talk to Kids, and Ross Greene (older DC has ADHD.) Spent hours in therapy to try to parent gently. gritted my teeth during the pandemic. they are spoiled, I have lost myself when I’m with them because they fight all the time, and I dread nearly every minute. Trying to survive this long weekend. I have started drinking again and think about suicide. I’m going to try letting them know how I really feel, and laying down the law.

Call your doctor immediately. Right now. Literally this moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

I hate Janet Lansbury with a passion. Some of her advice is in fact run of the mill behavioral stuff you might get from any child psychologist. But she serves it with a side of massive condescension to women who don’t perform motherhood correctly. Her methods seem to be more focused on the mom feeling and saying the exact right thing instead of setting up structures that actually work. She also seems to literally believe in magic words, as if following her scripts (“I won’t let you hit!”) will change behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

I hate Janet Lansbury with a passion. Some of her advice is in fact run of the mill behavioral stuff you might get from any child psychologist. But she serves it with a side of massive condescension to women who don’t perform motherhood correctly. Her methods seem to be more focused on the mom feeling and saying the exact right thing instead of setting up structures that actually work. She also seems to literally believe in magic words, as if following her scripts (“I won’t let you hit!”) will change behavior.

Oh, the scripts. I read the Ross Greene books, followed the scripts, and my little dear one laughed manically each time. Maybe it works on some kids.

We found out later that the youngest DS has ADHD and switched to an authoritative style of parenting, which also doesn't allow for parents yelling or losing their cool. We all are so much happier now, including DS. It's not a miracle cure and that funny kid still pushes boundaries but it's definitely all doable.

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting only works with very compliant children - kids like everyone else have very different personalities. We have a family member who gentle parents their strong willed child and it is miserable to be around. This not working isn't your fault OP it just isnt' right for your family - no failure on your part

[Anonymous]

I have actually been trying to gentle parent my elderly mom with mild dementia and am amazed at how well it’s working. Thinking about her emotions rather than her actions and helping her manage her emotions. Responding to her tantrum about not going to a nursing home by saying things like “change can be hard. A lot of people are scared in situations where lots of things are changing “ etc.

[Anonymous]

Clearly people dont even understand what gentle parenting is (or supposed to be), no wonder it isnt working lol.

I love that parents who admit to yelling at their kids think they are superior to gentle-parenting. Yes, yes verbal abuse sounds much healthier! Congrats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting only works with very compliant children - kids like everyone else have very different personalities. We have a family member who gentle parents their strong willed child and it is miserable to be around. This not working isn't your fault OP it just isnt' right for your family - no failure on your part

yes. the one actually gentle parent I know has basically alienated all other parents who come to her house as well as numerous sitters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have actually been trying to gentle parent my elderly mom with mild dementia and am amazed at how well it’s working. Thinking about her emotions rather than her actions and helping her manage her emotions. Responding to her tantrum about not going to a nursing home by saying things like “change can be hard. A lot of people are scared in situations where lots of things are changing “ etc.

that’s for you, not her. and she has dementia - she’s not a 4 year old who needs to learn basic civility and rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

I hate Janet Lansbury with a passion. Some of her advice is in fact run of the mill behavioral stuff you might get from any child psychologist. But she serves it with a side of massive condescension to women who don’t perform motherhood correctly. Her methods seem to be more focused on the mom feeling and saying the exact right thing instead of setting up structures that actually work. She also seems to literally believe in magic words, as if following her scripts (“I won’t let you hit!”) will change behavior.

Oh, the scripts. I read the Ross Greene books, followed the scripts, and my little dear one laughed manically each time. Maybe it works on some kids.

We found out later that the youngest DS has ADHD and switched to an authoritative style of parenting, which also doesn't allow for parents yelling or losing their cool. We all are so much happier now, including DS. It's not a miracle cure and that funny kid still pushes boundaries but it's definitely all doable.

This. I have a boundary pusher. He needs clear guidelines. I use the same approach with people who work for me, ha.

What are the rules?
Will the rules be enforced equally?
What is the punishment for breaking the rules?



90% of humans want to know this on some level. If they know the answers and what to expect, it makes things easiers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly people dont even understand what gentle parenting is (or supposed to be), no wonder it isnt working lol.

I love that parents who admit to yelling at their kids think they are superior to gentle-parenting. Yes, yes verbal abuse sounds much healthier! Congrats!

so please enlighten us as to what it is, and provide evidentiary support.

I don’t think anyone thinks yelling is great. yelling is far more likely to happen though when parents do not know how to properly discipline (which includes punishments). gentle parenting because you think your small child can learn how to control themselves through adult scripts and adult emotions is bound to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is bs.

Our nanny sets boundaries, isn't afraid and taught good manners to our kids.

Many parents needs to learn to discipline their kids
Stop spoiling them, teach good manners

Interesting that you couldn't teach your children manners,! Maybe your nanny should teach you manners bc as well.

[Anonymous]

Parents should be authoritarian because children are not your friends and they are not your equal. They are wild, have no civility, no manners and come into this world just like their neanderthal ancestors. They are nri neanderthal UNTIL parents teach them how to behave in public and private. It's your job and far too many parents are worse than their children.