Giving up on Gentle Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

I hate Janet Lansbury with a passion. Some of her advice is in fact run of the mill behavioral stuff you might get from any child psychologist. But she serves it with a side of massive condescension to women who don’t perform motherhood correctly. Her methods seem to be more focused on the mom feeling and saying the exact right thing instead of setting up structures that actually work. She also seems to literally believe in magic words, as if following her scripts (“I won’t let you hit!”) will change behavior.

Oh, the scripts. I read the Ross Greene books, followed the scripts, and my little dear one laughed manically each time. Maybe it works on some kids.

We found out later that the youngest DS has ADHD and switched to an authoritative style of parenting, which also doesn't allow for parents yelling or losing their cool. We all are so much happier now, including DS. It's not a miracle cure and that funny kid still pushes boundaries but it's definitely all doable.

This. I have a boundary pusher. He needs clear guidelines. I use the same approach with people who work for me, ha.

What are the rules?
Will the rules be enforced equally?
What is the punishment for breaking the rules?



90% of humans want to know this on some level. If they know the answers and what to expect, it makes things easiers.

My dude. That is gentle parenting. Making boundaries and rules known and enforcing them consistently is essential in gentle parenting because you have no tools for in-the-moment compliance so you are relying on rock solid boundaries and rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

I hate Janet Lansbury with a passion. Some of her advice is in fact run of the mill behavioral stuff you might get from any child psychologist. But she serves it with a side of massive condescension to women who don’t perform motherhood correctly. Her methods seem to be more focused on the mom feeling and saying the exact right thing instead of setting up structures that actually work. She also seems to literally believe in magic words, as if following her scripts (“I won’t let you hit!”) will change behavior.

Oh, the scripts. I read the Ross Greene books, followed the scripts, and my little dear one laughed manically each time. Maybe it works on some kids.

We found out later that the youngest DS has ADHD and switched to an authoritative style of parenting, which also doesn't allow for parents yelling or losing their cool. We all are so much happier now, including DS. It's not a miracle cure and that funny kid still pushes boundaries but it's definitely all doable.

This. I have a boundary pusher. He needs clear guidelines. I use the same approach with people who work for me, ha.

What are the rules?
Will the rules be enforced equally?
What is the punishment for breaking the rules?



90% of humans want to know this on some level. If they know the answers and what to expect, it makes things easiers.

My dude. That is gentle parenting. Making boundaries and rules known and enforcing them consistently is essential in gentle parenting because you have no tools for in-the-moment compliance so you are relying on rock solid boundaries and rules.

DP. Sure you do. Whether that's picking up and enforcing compliance, grabbing hands and enforcing compliance, or just consistent punishment to deter behavior (by timeouts, spanking, yelling, taking toys, losing screen time, whatever).

This is not gentle parenting. It's traditional parenting, the opposite of gentle parenting.

[Anonymous]

There isn't any real disagreement here. All kids and families are different and react better to different things. News at 11.

One of the differences I've noted between gentle parenting and authoritative parenting is that there is more validation and empathy in gentle parenting.

For us, validation needs to be kept at a minimum. We don't dismiss anyone's feelings but we listen and simply leave it there. We love always but some empathy is good and too much empathy is bad. It depends on the kid.

[Anonymous]

How were you parented?

The behavior you do not like - back talking, being disruptive, lack of discipline - you need to address them the first time it happens.

Good children do not happen. You need to make good children. But to have good children, you have to be an excellent parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn't any real disagreement here. All kids and families are different and react better to different things. News at 11.

One of the differences I've noted between gentle parenting and authoritative parenting is that there is more validation and empathy in gentle parenting.

For us, validation needs to be kept at a minimum. We don't dismiss anyone's feelings but we listen and simply leave it there. We love always but some empathy is good and too much empathy is bad. It depends on the kid.

Also Gen Zers are lousy employees and can't keep a job, with poor social skills and difficulties adulting.
That's another difference between constant validation and empathy and traditional parenting.

[Anonymous]

My sibling and their spouse follow “gentle parenting” and their kids are a nightmare. Whatever book they read or whatever “professionals” they follow have lead them astray. And even though their kids are terrors and they know it, they still won’t change. They are meek and it’s destroying their family.

Why they thought the kids should lead the house and make the rules is beyond me. Why do people think this would work? Why are they afraid of saying no to their children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

I hate Janet Lansbury with a passion. Some of her advice is in fact run of the mill behavioral stuff you might get from any child psychologist. But she serves it with a side of massive condescension to women who don’t perform motherhood correctly. Her methods seem to be more focused on the mom feeling and saying the exact right thing instead of setting up structures that actually work. She also seems to literally believe in magic words, as if following her scripts (“I won’t let you hit!”) will change behavior.

Oh, the scripts. I read the Ross Greene books, followed the scripts, and my little dear one laughed manically each time. Maybe it works on some kids.

We found out later that the youngest DS has ADHD and switched to an authoritative style of parenting, which also doesn't allow for parents yelling or losing their cool. We all are so much happier now, including DS. It's not a miracle cure and that funny kid still pushes boundaries but it's definitely all doable.

This. I have a boundary pusher. He needs clear guidelines. I use the same approach with people who work for me, ha.

What are the rules?
Will the rules be enforced equally?
What is the punishment for breaking the rules?



90% of humans want to know this on some level. If they know the answers and what to expect, it makes things easiers.

My dude. That is gentle parenting. Making boundaries and rules known and enforcing them consistently is essential in gentle parenting because you have no tools for in-the-moment compliance so you are relying on rock solid boundaries and rules.

gentle parenting is against punishments though. negative consequences are a cornerstone for my kid. some gentle parents offshoots are ALSO against positive rewards. so basically the theory is that you just talk to the kid correctly and they will follow the rules. lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling and their spouse follow “gentle parenting” and their kids are a nightmare. Whatever book they read or whatever “professionals” they follow have lead them astray. And even though their kids are terrors and they know it, they still won’t change. They are meek and it’s destroying their family.

Why they thought the kids should lead the house and make the rules is beyond me. Why do people think this would work? Why are they afraid of saying no to their children?

My relative like this truly believes home is a place where children should never feel bad or limited at all. So kids get to decide what to eat, what to watch, when to go to bed, whether or not to hit and swear at adults. I think this parent basically cannot tolerate the feeling of their kids being mad at them. It’s a mess especially because they always act surprised when other adults don’t accept the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

I hate Janet Lansbury with a passion. Some of her advice is in fact run of the mill behavioral stuff you might get from any child psychologist. But she serves it with a side of massive condescension to women who don’t perform motherhood correctly. Her methods seem to be more focused on the mom feeling and saying the exact right thing instead of setting up structures that actually work. She also seems to literally believe in magic words, as if following her scripts (“I won’t let you hit!”) will change behavior.

Oh, the scripts. I read the Ross Greene books, followed the scripts, and my little dear one laughed manically each time. Maybe it works on some kids.

We found out later that the youngest DS has ADHD and switched to an authoritative style of parenting, which also doesn't allow for parents yelling or losing their cool. We all are so much happier now, including DS. It's not a miracle cure and that funny kid still pushes boundaries but it's definitely all doable.

This. I have a boundary pusher. He needs clear guidelines. I use the same approach with people who work for me, ha.

What are the rules?
Will the rules be enforced equally?
What is the punishment for breaking the rules?



90% of humans want to know this on some level. If they know the answers and what to expect, it makes things easiers.

My dude. That is gentle parenting. Making boundaries and rules known and enforcing them consistently is essential in gentle parenting because you have no tools for in-the-moment compliance so you are relying on rock solid boundaries and rules.

gentle parenting is against punishments though. negative consequences are a cornerstone for my kid. some gentle parents offshoots are ALSO against positive rewards. so basically the theory is that you just talk to the kid correctly and they will follow the rules. lol.

I admittedly haven’t researched this much but the one time I heard about gentle parenting the psychiatrist explaining it said they were against *unrelated* punishments. So no spanking or withholding screen time because the kid is being loud. But sure yes, separate loud kids from siblings and send to their room if necessary because that solves the loud problem (they can’t disrupt other people’s afternoon if they’re out of hearing distance). Which makes sense to me; my kid gets both negative and positive consequences but they’re (usually; I’m not above bribing occasionally and I can’t say I never yell or scold unreasonably) related to the situation at hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

I hate Janet Lansbury with a passion. Some of her advice is in fact run of the mill behavioral stuff you might get from any child psychologist. But she serves it with a side of massive condescension to women who don’t perform motherhood correctly. Her methods seem to be more focused on the mom feeling and saying the exact right thing instead of setting up structures that actually work. She also seems to literally believe in magic words, as if following her scripts (“I won’t let you hit!”) will change behavior.

Oh, the scripts. I read the Ross Greene books, followed the scripts, and my little dear one laughed manically each time. Maybe it works on some kids.

We found out later that the youngest DS has ADHD and switched to an authoritative style of parenting, which also doesn't allow for parents yelling or losing their cool. We all are so much happier now, including DS. It's not a miracle cure and that funny kid still pushes boundaries but it's definitely all doable.

This. I have a boundary pusher. He needs clear guidelines. I use the same approach with people who work for me, ha.

What are the rules?
Will the rules be enforced equally?
What is the punishment for breaking the rules?



90% of humans want to know this on some level. If they know the answers and what to expect, it makes things easiers.

My dude. That is gentle parenting. Making boundaries and rules known and enforcing them consistently is essential in gentle parenting because you have no tools for in-the-moment compliance so you are relying on rock solid boundaries and rules.

gentle parenting is against punishments though. negative consequences are a cornerstone for my kid. some gentle parents offshoots are ALSO against positive rewards. so basically the theory is that you just talk to the kid correctly and they will follow the rules. lol.

I admittedly haven’t researched this much but the one time I heard about gentle parenting the psychiatrist explaining it said they were against *unrelated* punishments. So no spanking or withholding screen time because the kid is being loud. But sure yes, separate loud kids from siblings and send to their room if necessary because that solves the loud problem (they can’t disrupt other people’s afternoon if they’re out of hearing distance). Which makes sense to me; my kid gets both negative and positive consequences but they’re (usually; I’m not above bribing occasionally and I can’t say I never yell or scold unreasonably) related to the situation at hand.

that doesn’t work for everything, and it’s unclear why it’s even necessary for the punishment to be related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

I hate Janet Lansbury with a passion. Some of her advice is in fact run of the mill behavioral stuff you might get from any child psychologist. But she serves it with a side of massive condescension to women who don’t perform motherhood correctly. Her methods seem to be more focused on the mom feeling and saying the exact right thing instead of setting up structures that actually work. She also seems to literally believe in magic words, as if following her scripts (“I won’t let you hit!”) will change behavior.

Oh, the scripts. I read the Ross Greene books, followed the scripts, and my little dear one laughed manically each time. Maybe it works on some kids.

We found out later that the youngest DS has ADHD and switched to an authoritative style of parenting, which also doesn't allow for parents yelling or losing their cool. We all are so much happier now, including DS. It's not a miracle cure and that funny kid still pushes boundaries but it's definitely all doable.

This. I have a boundary pusher. He needs clear guidelines. I use the same approach with people who work for me, ha.

What are the rules?
Will the rules be enforced equally?
What is the punishment for breaking the rules?



90% of humans want to know this on some level. If they know the answers and what to expect, it makes things easiers.

My dude. That is gentle parenting. Making boundaries and rules known and enforcing them consistently is essential in gentle parenting because you have no tools for in-the-moment compliance so you are relying on rock solid boundaries and rules.

DP. Sure you do. Whether that's picking up and enforcing compliance, grabbing hands and enforcing compliance, or just consistent punishment to deter behavior (by timeouts, spanking, yelling, taking toys, losing screen time, whatever).

This is not gentle parenting. It's traditional parenting, the opposite of gentle parenting.

I think you misread my comment. I said in gentle parenting you have no tools. You cannot do punishment. All you can really do is pick up/grab hands or redirect.

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting is the new version of "we don't want to break their spirit" but with a "brand"

It's BS. You don't have to beat your kids or be extra gentle, there is in an between: warnings, consequences, follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: is there any research showing that gentle parenting works? OP please let go of thinking you have to parent this way and give yourself the freedom to figure out what works for you and your family.

Gentle parenting is a form of authoritative parenting. Authoritative parenting has been shown with superior outcomes in studies.

https://parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style/

That being said it does require a lot of self-regulation from parents, something the OP seems to be lacking. It is of course easier to be authoritarian or permissive neither of which is associated with as positive outcomes. (Neglectful parenting has the worst outcomes according to studies.) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6323136/#:~:text=This%20work%20consistently%20demonstrated%20that,of%20neglectful%20parents%20were%20poorest.

[Anonymous]

I read the gentle parenting books (Lansbury, how to talk so little kids blah blah) and I didn’t come away with anything about not having consequences. I just don’t think you guys have read the books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: is there any research showing that gentle parenting works? OP please let go of thinking you have to parent this way and give yourself the freedom to figure out what works for you and your family.

Gentle parenting is a form of authoritative parenting. Authoritative parenting has been shown with superior outcomes in studies.

https://parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style/

That being said it does require a lot of self-regulation from parents, something the OP seems to be lacking. It is of course easier to be authoritarian or permissive neither of which is associated with as positive outcomes. (Neglectful parenting has the worst outcomes according to studies.) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6323136/#:~:text=This%20work%20consistently%20demonstrated%20that,of%20neglectful%20parents%20were%20poorest.

I would more equate gentle parenting with permissive parenting but that's because I don't understand "gentle parenting" as anything but words stuck together. That said, if its indeed more in line with authoritative parenting, looks like we're all arguing the exact same thing.