How can I gracefully bow out of Christmas next year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, but what’s a nice way to tell them basically we don’t want to celebrate Christmas with you? Just we decided to travel this year?

you don5 tell them you don’t want to celebrate with them, you just say, “next year we are going (skiing). “. You don’t have to say why.

If they push back, you say, “while we enjoy being with everyone, we would just like to do something different this year.” Then change the subject.

Thank you. I needed it spelled out.

Yes this exactly. Don’t explain or apologize, just state what will be. Give them a few months notice but not 10, don’t create drama . Be vague about the future after that - “sending all our love. see you in 2025!”

Enjoy your trip!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, but what’s a nice way to tell them basically we don’t want to celebrate Christmas with you? Just we decided to travel this year?

you don5 tell them you don’t want to celebrate with them, you just say, “next year we are going (skiing). “. You don’t have to say why.

If they push back, you say, “while we enjoy being with everyone, we would just like to do something different this year.” Then change the subject.

Thank you. I needed it spelled out.

Yes this exactly. Don’t explain or apologize, just state what will be. Give them a few months notice but not 10, don’t create drama . Be vague about the future after that - “sending all our love. see you in 2025!”

Enjoy your trip!

I agree you don't apologize, but at least in my family it would be necessary to add "and so we won't be seeing you for Christmas." It needs to be clear. Otherwise there will be a flurry of questions about alternate dates or joining you in Europe.
When people do the same thing for a long time, it's hard for them to shift out if that mindset (especially older people).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) tell them way in advance. I would message everyone no later than March/April
2) don’t apologize for not hosting and don’t offer alternate dates to host; don’t offer to travel to them. You and your spouse and kids deserve to actually enjoy a holiday for once.

Going on a trip is a great way to get out of hosting/visiting family but it’s not necessary if you’d rather have Christmas at your own home. You just need to be brave and speak up for yourself.

“I wanted to go ahead and let you all know now that we will not be hosting Christmas 2024. While we love spending time with you all, we are going to have next Christmas be more low key with just our little family of 4. We also no longer want to participate in a gift exchange. We are going for a more simple, easy, relaxing holiday going forward.”

I’m sure it’s really hard for you to write and send a message like that but you need to just do it, for the sake of your kids. You want your kids to enjoy Christmas not dread it.

This. I'd use this script and send it no later than March/April (or even send it now). I like this because it doesn't use travel as an excuse. Saying you're going to Paris/resort in 2024 might make people think it's a one-off. Better to lay the groundwork for simpler holidays going forward.

Also, personally, I'd rather spend Christmas at home with my small family of four and would not want to travel internationally over Christmas. That seems like you're swapping one kind of stress for another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The easiest way to break free from this nonsense is to swing all the way in the other direction next year: plan a trip where you are gone the entire time. Spend Christmas elsewhere—Mexico, Vermont, wherever. Just don’t be home.

Then in 2025 you can be home and scale back to just hosting your immediate family or just one meal on Christmas Eve. No gifts for adults.

This is good advice. It doesn’t have to be a vacation. It can be anything true that would preclude you from hosting or attending another event.

It’s very common with relatives that have the nicest house and/or are best at cooking.

[Anonymous]

You can say while you love to see them, you have realized you want a quieter Christmas and won’t be hosting next year. End of story! Just give people plenty of notice so they can make other plans. And maybe suggest a summer weekend you all can meet somewhere so you can get together with your friends (end the hosting at your house!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The easiest way to break free from this nonsense is to swing all the way in the other direction next year: plan a trip where you are gone the entire time. Spend Christmas elsewhere—Mexico, Vermont, wherever. Just don’t be home.

Then in 2025 you can be home and scale back to just hosting your immediate family or just one meal on Christmas Eve. No gifts for adults.

This is your plan of action.

[Anonymous]

“We loved seeing everyone for Christmas! I wanted to let you know that next year we will not be able to host. I wanted to give plenty of notice so everyone can make other plans.”

I’d wait to have the present discussion later/separately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy that there are people like OP who do so much for others in terms of hosting, even though they get little out of it. And others who do so little. Like, bare minimum reciprocation is too much for them.

+1

People have no concept of reciprocal hospitality. It's maddening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all the people that you host? I would feel some responsibility for getting together with the grandparents, but not for the rest. Let people know EARLY that these get togethers are overwhelming (really too much work) for your family/kids and your need for a calmer and quieter holiday. I would not get involved asking about choosing names for gift giving. Instead, state you are removing yourselves from adult gift giving and remind them not to buy anything for you. Finally, get your DH involved in this communication with the extended family.

+1

[Anonymous]

This is why my family goes on vacation every single Christmas. Preferably somewhere far, hot, and as non-christmasy as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope OP. You will feel much better. And I agree with letting the family know early. For them to plan and for you to feel the weight off your shoulders. Keep it simple - you want to start traveling to see the Christmas markets - or something of the sort. Set up your boundaries now. It is not your responsibility to make Christmas happen for others. Your main responsibility is to make memories with your kids/husband.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Convert to a religion that does not celebrate/recognize Christmas (Xmas).

This. We are not Christian and when I read posts like OP’s I am so glad I don’t have to participate in such nonsense. Gift exchanges for adults? Why??

[Anonymous]

I’d send an email in the new year about how great it was to see everyone, how much you enjoy spending time with them, but you have been reflecting (on a desire for greater simplicity and stuff, or less stress, or more sustainability, or more time to visit/talk and have deeper conversations, or whatever rings true to you) and you want to do things differently for the holidays next year, does anyone feel the same way? See what people say. And if they don’t speak up, you’ve set the stage for changes either way.

Or you can just plan a trip. But if your mom is elderly and you want to see her, you can do that without all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The easiest way to break free from this nonsense is to swing all the way in the other direction next year: plan a trip where you are gone the entire time. Spend Christmas elsewhere—Mexico, Vermont, wherever. Just don’t be home.

Then in 2025 you can be home and scale back to just hosting your immediate family or just one meal on Christmas Eve. No gifts for adults.

This.

I agree with this too. Or plan a trip where you leave on Christmas night. Just be unavailable next year bc of travel. Then the next year tell everyone how much you enjoyed your nuclear family holiday.

The key is to put this out there very soon. Don’t wait until summer or fall when people are looking for plans. Tell your sibling now, so they can start figuring themself out. Then tell your mom. Let them pout, it’s fine. Plan other times to see grandma, drop the cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d send an email in the new year about how great it was to see everyone, how much you enjoy spending time with them, but you have been reflecting (on a desire for greater simplicity and stuff, or less stress, or more sustainability, or more time to visit/talk and have deeper conversations, or whatever rings true to you) and you want to do things differently for the holidays next year, does anyone feel the same way? See what people say. And if they don’t speak up, you’ve set the stage for changes either way.

Or you can just plan a trip. But if your mom is elderly and you want to see her, you can do that without all of this.

Do not ask anyone’s opinion. Just tell them you are paring down and do it.