How can I gracefully bow out of Christmas next year?

[Anonymous]

I’m so over doing everything for Christmas. There are about 25 people I shop for and then wrap/ship/deliver. Then, we host Christmas Eve and Christmas dinners plus a 14 hour Christmas day marathon. My kids don’t have cousins, so it’s 10 adults and 2 kids. 7 people in the house for 4-5 nights. So multiple dinners/lunches as well.
I spend the days in advance of the big day shopping for food and wine and cleaning wine glasses and dishes and making lists and running around getting things I can’t get until the day before plus prepping lots of meals, getting drinks, loading and unloading the dishwasher, etc.
my youngest had a total meltdown about how she hates Christmas because she didn’t get enough attention. While DH and I were cleaning up and getting dessert ready, every single adult was sitting there on their phone. She felt ignored and bored.
I don’t want this to ever happen again. I’m willing to do Christmas” with my family but not on the day. I will pick up some sort of food from a restaurant and serve that. I’d like to eliminate the gift exchange as well. I just want our immediate family on Christmas Day.
Is there a nice way to tell people this? It’s not just about hosting, as I don’t want to go to their houses either. I’m thinking it’s best to just plan a trip and say let’s meet for a meal on x day? Is this to harsh to do to my elderly mother who isn’t in great health and likely only has a few christmases left at most?

[Anonymous]

Have Christmas Eve brunch with them instead. Make the gift exchange a name draw. Have a set time, like brunch 10-1 or whatever works for you. Have just your mom stay the rest of the day/into the next morning if that works for you, or have just her come back on Christmas Day once the presents are done, for an early dinner or something.

Catered food, paper plates and cups. Think about what you’re willing to do and communicate it very clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have Christmas Eve brunch with them instead. Make the gift exchange a name draw. Have a set time, like brunch 10-1 or whatever works for you. Have just your mom stay the rest of the day/into the next morning if that works for you, or have just her come back on Christmas Day once the presents are done, for an early dinner or something.

Catered food, paper plates and cups. Think about what you’re willing to do and communicate it very clearly.

Thanks. These people aren’t local, so I need to make it an entirely different time. Like a week before.

[Anonymous]

The easiest way to break free from this nonsense is to swing all the way in the other direction next year: plan a trip where you are gone the entire time. Spend Christmas elsewhere—Mexico, Vermont, wherever. Just don’t be home.

Then in 2025 you can be home and scale back to just hosting your immediate family or just one meal on Christmas Eve. No gifts for adults.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, but what’s a nice way to tell them basically we don’t want to celebrate Christmas with you? Just we decided to travel this year?

[Anonymous]

Go on vacation next Christmas

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Next Christmas take a fantastic trip and let people know a few months in advance. You have to break the cycle and do it in a fantastic way. Go to Paris! Go big or don’t go otherwise they will think you are blowing them off.

[Anonymous]

1. We only send gifts to kids, up through HS. No aunts/uncles. Anyone who sends us a gift, we sent them a bottle of wine and our holiday card. But there's no frantic shopping trying to figure out what Uncle Phil or Aunt Viv will like.
2. We travel every Thanksgiving and Christmas. We like my in-laws, so we see them on the way out of the country or on the way back.
3. We host a Friendsgiving in the first half of November and tell people it's a phone-free afternoon/evening.
4. DH does as much work for #3 as I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? Next Christmas take a fantastic trip and let people know a few months in advance. You have to break the cycle and do it in a fantastic way. Go to Paris! Go big or don’t go otherwise they will think you are blowing them off.

This is what I’m thinking. I’d love to go to Paris. Kids are 10/12. Is stuff open on Christmas there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, but what’s a nice way to tell them basically we don’t want to celebrate Christmas with you? Just we decided to travel this year?

Why does this have to be framed as “we don’t want to spend Christmas with you?” It’s just about doing something different. If people typically fly in, start sharing the news in August before anyone makes travel plans.

“Heads up everyone—we’re heading to somewhere tropical for Christmas this year, so enjoy the festivities without us.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? Next Christmas take a fantastic trip and let people know a few months in advance. You have to break the cycle and do it in a fantastic way. Go to Paris! Go big or don’t go otherwise they will think you are blowing them off.

This is what I’m thinking. I’d love to go to Paris. Kids are 10/12. Is stuff open on Christmas there?

Parisian here. There are lights and decorated shop windows in multiple quartiers, and the Christmas fair in the Tuileries gardens... but honestly, I don't like Paris in the winter. It's grey and rainy. The best time to stroll around is in May. Could you go to the Alps instead? A really high-elevation ski station, otherwise with climate change, you won't have natural snow. Go to Tignes or Val Thorens (highest station of the Alps). They'll have Christmas decor as well.

[Anonymous]

It’s crazy that there are people like OP who do so much for others in terms of hosting, even though they get little out of it. And others who do so little. Like, bare minimum reciprocation is too much for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The easiest way to break free from this nonsense is to swing all the way in the other direction next year: plan a trip where you are gone the entire time. Spend Christmas elsewhere—Mexico, Vermont, wherever. Just don’t be home.

Then in 2025 you can be home and scale back to just hosting your immediate family or just one meal on Christmas Eve. No gifts for adults.

+1

Just reading your description stressed me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, but what’s a nice way to tell them basically we don’t want to celebrate Christmas with you? Just we decided to travel this year?

Just say that you realize it has become too much and you want to spend the holiday spending more quality time with your kids. Then say you are happy to host an event for all of them but another week. People do this all the time. It is fine. It is amazing that you host all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, but what’s a nice way to tell them basically we don’t want to celebrate Christmas with you? Just we decided to travel this year?

Just say that you realize it has become too much and you want to spend the holiday spending more quality time with your kids. Then say you are happy to host an event for all of them but another week. People do this all the time. It is fine. It is amazing that you host all of them.

No. OP doesn’t have to offer a different week. Didn’t you read her post? People are coming from out of town and staying with them for 4-5 days. No one is coming in for one meal on a different week. And even if they were all nearby, it’s really okay to take a break from all the hosting and go away with family. She doesn’t need the stress of hosting right after traveling.