How can I gracefully bow out of Christmas next year?

[Anonymous]

Start right away laying some groundwork. Message them super casually that it was nice to see everyone but boy are you all wiped out. Say “I’ve learned my lesson as the kids are getting older that we can’t keep up a week of festivities. We’ll chat again after New Year’s because I’m taking some downtime.” Then later in the year toss out “ before anyone starts planning logistics for the holidays. We just wanted to put it out there that we’re not planning to host such an extended event next year. We’d love to have everyone over for brunch on 12/x or a post-Christmas dinner on 12/x. If someone else would like to host, we’ll come to you before or after as well. We just prefer to have a low-key day this time around.”

[Anonymous]

Who are all the people that you host? I would feel some responsibility for getting together with the grandparents, but not for the rest. Let people know EARLY that these get togethers are overwhelming (really too much work) for your family/kids and your need for a calmer and quieter holiday. I would not get involved asking about choosing names for gift giving. Instead, state you are removing yourselves from adult gift giving and remind them not to buy anything for you. Finally, get your DH involved in this communication with the extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy that there are people like OP who do so much for others in terms of hosting, even though they get little out of it. And others who do so little. Like, bare minimum reciprocation is too much for them.[/quote]
It comes down to setting boundaries. Op does not have to leave the country next Christmas, she simpky has to inform people that next year she will not be hosting.

[Anonymous]

And, op I think your mom will be fine with it. You could invite her along if that’s an option. Or celebrate the week before.

I do a big Christmas party the Saturday after thanksgiving so everyone is still in town. We do a yankee swap with a $25 max. Then everyone is on their own for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And, op I think your mom will be fine with it. You could invite her along if that’s an option. Or celebrate the week before.

I do a big Christmas party the Saturday after thanksgiving so everyone is still in town. We do a yankee swap with a $25 max. Then everyone is on their own for Christmas.

She’s definitely not going to be fine with it, but after hearing her prattle on and on about how she hosted and bought gifts for years and did her share, I don’t really care. I do feel badly that my single sibling will be alone. Growing up, all family was local so holidays were a one day event, and my mom seems to remember it differently than I do. I remember my grandmother doing most of the work, even if it was at our house.
The other people who come are cousins and their partners who I don’t speak to during the year and am just tired of hosting especially when they show up late, throw off my entire “plan”, don’t bring anything to help out. We also have to sit through their gift exchange while my immediate family looks on with nothing to open. My sibling and cousins are close.

[Anonymous]

Can you propose going to a resort for Christmas? Someone else does most of the work. I also started getting at least Christmas Eve catered. I used to cook all the meals, host a reception at church for the children’s pageant, and especially after I got the break for Covid, I said “never again”. Now I turned over the pageant to someone else, cater Christmas Eve, and make a much simpler meal for Christmas Day.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need a script or alternative date. Just say next year we are not hosting, we are keeping it small (immediate family). Coordinate with your mom how you will celebrate with her. None of your guests can host everyone? Why is it on you. Let your mom host. I’m over the older generation holding everyone hostage to “the way it has always been”. Your kids should be your priority.

[Anonymous]

Convert to a religion that does not celebrate/recognize Christmas (Xmas).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you propose going to a resort for Christmas? Someone else does most of the work. I also started getting at least Christmas Eve catered. I used to cook all the meals, host a reception at church for the children’s pageant, and especially after I got the break for Covid, I said “never again”. Now I turned over the pageant to someone else, cater Christmas Eve, and make a much simpler meal for Christmas Day.

Yes, this is what I’d like to do. It makes me a bit sad to be away from home for my kids Christmas Day, but I don’t see another way. The family would not want to come unless we pay, which I would not want to do. My mom travels tons by herself and has not once offered to take us on any trips. We’ve taken her to the beach etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need a script or alternative date. Just say next year we are not hosting, we are keeping it small (immediate family). Coordinate with your mom how you will celebrate with her. None of your guests can host everyone? Why is it on you. Let your mom host. I’m over the older generation holding everyone hostage to “the way it has always been”. Your kids should be your priority.

Yes, my kids are now my priority. My mom cannot host, she’s a hoarder. Same with cousins. Even if they did host, I do not want to spend the holiday with them anymore. It’s exhausting and not fun for my kids. I’m willing I guess to travel to them and pay for a nice restaurant dinner. I guess I need to just say that and then let it lie. If people are mad, they can be mad. I’m working with a therapist to start putting myself first.

[Anonymous]

Plan a trip for the actual holiday then invite them to a “fake Christmas”. Try to retain some aspects of your traditions (if there’s a meal you usually do, etc) but limit it to a day or two. Send out a survey soon to pick a weekend for next year.

We made this switch on both our sides years ago and it’s great. We also switched to a secret Santa.

On one side, we just do a big party with some people staying over. On the other we do a formal Christmas dinner, everyone sleeps over, and we do ‘Christmas morning’ gifts.

[Anonymous]

Who are all these adults? Is it your parents, siblings and cousins? Yeah that's to much especially if they are flying in and spending 4-5 days at your house. They probably feel obligated to come since you have the kids in the family. I agree the best way is to just say you are making other plans for next year. You don't have to actually travel on Christmas Day. Depending on when your kid's schools let out you can return on 12/24 or leave on 12/26. Invite the Grandparents (just the Grandparents) to visit right before or after the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP! You don’t know anyone an explanation, have fun in another locale with your kids! Beach volleyball on Christmas is fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these adults? Is it your parents, siblings and cousins? Yeah that's to much especially if they are flying in and spending 4-5 days at your house. They probably feel obligated to come since you have the kids in the family. I agree the best way is to just say you are making other plans for next year. You don't have to actually travel on Christmas Day. Depending on when your kid's schools let out you can return on 12/24 or leave on 12/26. Invite the Grandparents (just the Grandparents) to visit right before or after the holidays.

Mom, sibling and cousins. Sometimes an aunt. Varies by year. My mom and aunt are close, my sibling and cousins are close. I am close with sibling, that’s it. I can’t have sibling and mom without cousins without causing major hurt feelings, which is not my goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you, OP! You don’t know anyone an explanation, have fun in another locale with your kids! Beach volleyball on Christmas is fun!

Sounds amazing. Any resort recs since Paris is no good in December??