7 year old attending a funeral ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you not take her to a hospital because she doesn't like being sick?

She needs to go to the funeral. Funerals were invented for this. For mourning.

People mourn differently. Grief has it's own time table

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

Nope. She goes to the funeral. If it’s too much, you can take her outside. But honestly, it will probably lighten the mood to have her there. Teach her to show up for people. Plenty of adults don’t make themselves go through uncomfortable things because they were always given the choice.

Why? Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If she's not comfortable, she doesn't need to go. This isn't an adult. She doesn't need to show up for people, she needs to do what's best for her. She's a child. If you need emotional support, bring your therapist.

When is she supposed to learn those things if not as a child? Adults who aren’t comfortable doing things because they were always given the choice to opt out of anything that made them at all uncomfortable don’t suddenly start “showing up for people.” Going to the funeral of a grandparent is a normal and age appropriate thing for a kid to do.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I feel strongly that it is best to help kids experience death in an age-appropriate way... and that it is infinitely easier to deal with the concept of death when it is *not* someone they were particularly close to. It's still a lot to get their heads around but they don't have the acute feelings of grief and pain that a closer loss would bring ... it's more of a grappling with the concept.

Has your child shared what she's concerned about? Is it seeing the body in a viewing? Is it being around other people who are upset/crying? Maybe there would be a good way to deal with these concerns (like, I think its fine to choose not to go look in the casket ... or maybe some talk to prepare about what to do if others are feeling pain.)

I also think it's good to model to your child that you support DH and other family members. The funeral is really for them, so it's important to support those who are feeling the loss.

[Anonymous]

Death is a part of life and you are hurting her more by sheltering her from it.

My 7 year old has been to 3 funerals of close family members. We have shown her how to mourn and work through emotions that come with grief - part of that is the funeral. One day, she will have to mourn me or her father. We have shown her the healthy way to do it as she watched us mourn our parents.

[Anonymous]

I always believe kids belong at funerals of their immediate relatives. Great aunts or second cousins? No. Grandparents, parents, siblings? Yes.

But it's up to her whether she wants to go. I think they give a lot of closure. They aren't scary like kids picture.

[Anonymous]

Who will stay home with her? Surely you'd show up to your MIL's funeral to support your husband?

[Anonymous]

Here is the thing, it is important to your husband that she attends, that the family attends, so you all go. What is the worse that could happen? She cries? Ok, comfort her. Please support your husband and be a team.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't take her. My 9 yo DS didn't come to my mom's funeral. I was planning on taking him, but he was at the house the night before where we had a religious ceremony and he fell apart. I can't even imagine what would have happened if he saw the casket. It also let me focus on my grieving instead of worrying about his sadness at the funeral.

[Anonymous]

In my culture everyone goes and I still think it’s okay to ask her and let her decide. Personally, I don’t get anything out of funerals. I would not force my children to attend if they were that age. They are for the living and she has plenty of time to attend funerals when she’s older if she doesn’t want to go now.

[Anonymous]

I read a lot about this when my FIL passed away earlier this year. Based on everything I read, I decided to bring my 5 & 8 year olds to the service, but not the burial.

I was nervous about how they would react, so we spoke with the funeral director ahead of time and he showed us where to go if I felt the kids needed to step away.

Everything went very well. And they both requested after to go to the burial, so we let them.

They both surprised me with how well they handled everything.

[Anonymous]

My grandma died when I was 5. My dad held me up to see her in the casket, and he let me touch her. It really helped me understand her death and why everyone was so sad. I have a 7 year old, and I would definitely take him. In most situations, I strongly believe that grieving a death is a family/community process that you don't isolate children from, because children are included in your family/community. If you exclude your child, your child may get the message that grieving is something scary or something to be shielded from. Going to the funeral is not more traumatic than Grandma's absence will be, and it can help process the emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

Nope. She goes to the funeral. If it’s too much, you can take her outside. But honestly, it will probably lighten the mood to have her there. Teach her to show up for people. Plenty of adults don’t make themselves go through uncomfortable things because they were always given the choice.

Why? Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If she's not comfortable, she doesn't need to go. This isn't an adult. She doesn't need to show up for people, she needs to do what's best for her. She's a child. If you need emotional support, bring your therapist.

She's a child, who has never experienced death before. She doesn't know what's best. Having no life experience, she needs adult guidance to process the death of her close family member.

[Anonymous]

She needs to go to the funeral but I wouldn’t make a child see an open casket, personally. I think they’re weird for everyone though.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, everyone, for all your thoughts and sharing your experiences—I knew you guys would hit it out of the park. This dcum community is amazing. It was very helpful to hear your experiences of taking your DCs to funerals, that it turned out okay, and that it was beneficial for many reasons.

To the PP who mentioned they wished they were given the choice to attend...now that I think about it, I wasn't given a choice either to attend most of my grandparents' funerals, and in retrospect kind of wish they had asked me, too. I think my parents thought it wasn't necessary to include me and to expose me to all the grief, but it would have been good to have been included.

Thanks to the PP who sent that Today’s Parent article which had a link to Child Mind Institute’s helping a child cope with grief guide:

https://childmind.org/guide/helping-children-cope-with-grief/#block_1d13b2de-e1c7-4e81-8b4c-a4a2e151f290

I showed it to DH and he agreed that, as some PPs suggested, it’s good not to force a child to go. So we'll check in with DC to see her thoughts on attending the memorial. I would like her to go but will not force her. Thanks to the PPs who suggested that it might be good to sit in the back and to have an exit strategy (like asking the funeral director where to go, or going to a nearby coffee shop), to bring an activity bag with lovies, and to take breaks as needed in case the funeral becomes overwhelming. Play-Doh is a great idea, and I know she'd appreciate making cards for others.

Thanks to the PPs who pointed out that it might be difficult for DH to go through this by himself: he was distraught at the news the first night (never seen him like that). I agree it's good to show up for people as best we can, and that funerals are a time when we come together for support, to collectively mourn, and to understand (and maybe become less fearful about) this natural cycle of life.

To the PP who mentioned elephants--they are incredible animals. You reminded me about a wonderful picture book called "The Elephants Come Home" that is about a beautiful friendship between a conservationist and an elephant family, loss, and how elephants mourn. I will read the book to her tonight--thank you so much.

PP correctly discerned that her grandmother lives far away and DC has only seen her grandmother twice in her life, and doesn't really remember her.

Moving forward, we will continue to dialogue with her about death and the natural progression of life. Regarding PP's question about whether DC has shared what in particular she's concerned about--I'm not quite sure, but that's an excellent question. Thanks for that idea.

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to address and thank all those who were kind enough to share their thoughtful perspectives.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am glad that this thread is giving you usable ideas.

I will add that as a child, I was not taken to funerals--even of relatives who had died expected deaths of very old age, which in our family tend to be dramatically less emotive events (in fact, while obviously people are sad, the predominant reaction on display is typically a very rational "this person was suffering greatly and we are glad for them that they no longer are").

The reason I was not taken to funerals was because when my mother was a child, she was taken to the funeral of a beloved grandparent and was extremely upset to find that it functioned as a kind of family reunion. She found it bizarre that people were standing around talking normally with a dead body (of someone she really loved!) in a box on display in the room.

Obviously a viewing is not a part of every funeral or every culture, but it really bothered her, and she fully expected that it would really bother me.

I have been to tens and tens of funerals. The first was actually for a teacher who died of a heart attack in our school when I was about 13--so it was an event I attended together with peers. Despite the death being unexpected, untimely and the loss of someone extremely important to us in a very day-to-day way, it was a dramatically more tolerable and comforting event than anything my relatives have ever put together.

I didn't miss anything about how to grieve or acknowledge death by not being taken to funerals of relatives as a child. I don't think there's a clear right or wrong answer here except what works for you as the adults.