7 year old attending a funeral ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take her. If it's open casket and she doesn't want to look, no problem. If she needs to bring a coloring book to occupy herself, no problem. If she needs to step away for a little, no problem. But there are other things to shelter a 7 yr old from. She needs to learn that she's not the only person who struggles with grief, we all do, and funerals are for helping each other through it.

Very well said. I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funerals help process the loss- it why we (and elephants) have them. They are helpful, so your daughter should go and step outside/away if needed.

I agree with this. I was 7 when my grandmother died and my parents didn't even give me a choice to go to the funeral. I wish that they had. Even 40 years later, I still don't think I've processed her death because there was never any closure. I never felt like I got to say goodbye to her (the grandkids didn't go to the hospital as she was dying either as it was all very sudden).

I also feel like that is a major family moment and it seems unfair to not include her in it. I've heard stories about my grandmother's funeral from other people and I always felt left out from an event that I should have been a part of. We don't have a very big family so not having the grandkids there still seems weird to me.

[Anonymous]

I would not take make her go. Funerals are not about closure and getting used to death. I went to a few as a kid and felt nothing. It was to meet up with relatives for my family. Not sure why they didn't do it when all were alive. Stupid customs.
I've seen funerals where it's the dead who made up all the plans and chose the flowers.
The last one I went to was all about the person's mother. The person would have hated it. Now that I think about it, both were religious and all this crap was important to few.

[Anonymous]

What is it you're afraid of for her, OP? Sorry if I'm reading into things, but I get the feeling you almost think it was wrong for her to break down at school. That seems totally normal and appropriate given her loss and to me it shows she needs to process it and not ignore it.

Notice I didn't say breaking down was comfortable for her or anyone there, but death isn't comfortable. Skipping the funeral almost strikes me as deciding saying she doesn't need to further process the loss because she hasn't wanted to talk about it since. She's stuck with the reality of the major loss either way.

[Anonymous]

She should attend or at the very least be given the opportunity. It’s important for her to attend so she can process her grief. Sensitively explain what to expect at the funeral and follow her lead. Death is a part of life and she will be less fearful over time if she sees it that way. It’s probably her first experience understanding mortality and it’s a scary concept, but it doesn’t mean she can’t work through it.

However, I don’t think seeing an open casket is helpful. Let her last memory be of her grandmother alive. So if there’s a wake, allow her to skip that and only attend the funeral. If the casket is open during the funeral, allow her to keep her distance. She can sit a few rows back.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think I would take her-with the understanding that you will take her out if it gets to be too much for her. Have a plan (we will go to the car, the church nursery, a nearby coffee shop) and DH needs to understand that. Let DD know that she can ask to leave at any time needed.

[Anonymous]

I think she should go. Funerals are for the living and that includes children grieving their grandmas. You explain that it’s a ceremony where you remember the dead person, recognize how much you miss them etc.

[Anonymous]

I went to grandparents’ funerals between 8 and 10. The first one, they had a Rosary the night before with open casket. This was weird for me. I still remember it as macabre, annd even though I’ve been to others as an adult, it sticks out in my mind.

But, the thing that was surprising were the gatherings afterwards and seeing my widowed grandparents still there, cousins and relatives, etc. I remember that being a pleasant experience, even fun, with socializing, talking and food, which is also a part of most funerals and helps with the process of grief.

I would go but avoid open casket.

[Anonymous]

I would make it non-negotiable. Maybe psychological exposure is what she needs, if done gently and lovingly. My oldest was 2 at my grandmother's and grandfather's funerals. His little sister was 5 at my FIL's funeral. They were well-behaved, and got a LOT of loving attention from all the relatives present - because children at funerals lift everyone's mood. They represent the continuation of the family line and hope for the future. It was a win-win for everyone.

[Anonymous]

In my culture, I have never seen a child that young at a funeral. I wouldn’t bring her. In fact, I would think it was weird if the parents did bring a child that young.

[Anonymous]

Would you not take her to a hospital because she doesn't like being sick?

She needs to go to the funeral. Funerals were invented for this. For mourning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, I have never seen a child that young at a funeral. I wouldn’t bring her. In fact, I would think it was weird if the parents did bring a child that young.

You are Not the Main Character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 7 year old has always dreaded death and hates even hearing the word “death.” She broke down at school this week over her grandmother’s recent death (we told her the news a few days earlier and she didn’t react at the time), so all week I’ve been trying to engage her with kid-friendly discussions about death. She has been resistant.

My DH wants her to be at the funeral. She’s been through a lot already this year, and I’m not sure she can handle the intense experience of being at a place where there are people in mourning all around her. Do you think it’s a good idea that she goes? Or maybe she can travel with us and I can take her to do something else while my DH is at the funeral?

I don’t think it’s necessary for a 7 year old to have to learn about death so soon but my DH thinks I’m sheltering her.

Stop badgering her about death!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, I have never seen a child that young at a funeral. I wouldn’t bring her. In fact, I would think it was weird if the parents did bring a child that young.

You are Not the Main Character.

I didn’t say I was. I’m just saying that whether to bring a 7 year old to a funeral is cultural. If OP is uncomfortable bringing her child to a funeral, her husband should respect that, especially if her own mother doesn’t think the child is mature enough to handle it.

Funerals are for the living. A seven year old can mourn in a less public manner. There is no need for her to look at a dead body or a coffin being lowered into the ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you not take her to a hospital because she doesn't like being sick?

She needs to go to the funeral. Funerals were invented for this. For mourning.

It doesn’t sound like the child was very close to this grandmother. The parents have to travel to the funeral, so they didn’t live nearby. She probably only saw the grandmother a couple of times in her life. Does she really need to mourn? Or is it more about Dad wanting her to make an appearance without consideration as to how macabre it might be for the child?

I agree with you, Mom.