7 year old attending a funeral ok?

[Anonymous]

My 7 year old has always dreaded death and hates even hearing the word “death.” She broke down at school this week over her grandmother’s recent death (we told her the news a few days earlier and she didn’t react at the time), so all week I’ve been trying to engage her with kid-friendly discussions about death. She has been resistant.

My DH wants her to be at the funeral. She’s been through a lot already this year, and I’m not sure she can handle the intense experience of being at a place where there are people in mourning all around her. Do you think it’s a good idea that she goes? Or maybe she can travel with us and I can take her to do something else while my DH is at the funeral?

I don’t think it’s necessary for a 7 year old to have to learn about death so soon but my DH thinks I’m sheltering her.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you're sheltering her. It's an important familial and cultural lesson/experience to attend a funeral. It may help your daughter process the grief and fear of what is happening.

When my FIL was dying, I was very open with my then 5yo. He prayed with us, asked questions, and still remembers the experience (not in a negative way). On the other hand, BIL/SIL opted to hide the truth from their 8yo son, who basically lost his shit and still can't handle grief properly to this day. Instead of helping him process the emotions, they tried to hide the truth from him until the very last moment.

There is nothing to fear about death. It's natural and inevitable. If you treat it like it's scary then your kid will think so too. Also, if you stayed with your daughter during the funeral, wouldn't you be doing a disservice to your husband, his family, and your late MIL?

[Anonymous]

Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

[Anonymous]

7 is plenty old enough. It’s not easy but neither is life. At what age do you think your kid should experience death? And at what age do you no longer want your child excluded from the experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

Nope. She goes to the funeral. If it’s too much, you can take her outside. But honestly, it will probably lighten the mood to have her there. Teach her to show up for people. Plenty of adults don’t make themselves go through uncomfortable things because they were always given the choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7 is plenty old enough. It’s not easy but neither is life. At what age do you think your kid should experience death? And at what age do you no longer want your child excluded from the experience?

+1

This isn't optional. Death is a part of life.

[Anonymous]

Not going may prolong her distress. Its OK for her to be sad. The whole purpose of a funeral ritual is to process it as a community and for children to learn by be a part of it. Children have been attending funerals of loved ones for centuries.

[Anonymous]

If you already know that she is unusually bothered by death, just walking her into a funeral and expecting that that will go fine is a pipe dream. Prepare for this to go especially poorly if there is a viewing.

Your husband attending his mother’s funeral alone, or his own grief being disrupted by needing to take care of a kid who is having an uncommonly hard time, also doesn’t sound desirable.

I would leave DD with a trusted carer and go to be with DH. Plenty of opportunities for learning about the circle of life will present themselves.

[Anonymous]

Of course you should take her. She's already learned about death because her grandma died. Hasn't it occurred to you that being around other people who are sad about the same thing can be comforting? That's why, in almost ALL cultures, people in mourning gather together.

It's okay for kids to be sad, for them to cry. It's sad when you're 7 and your grandma dies! This is an appropriate response.

[Anonymous]

You can make this positive for her if you frame it well and give her tools to understand.

https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-death-2/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

Nope. She goes to the funeral. If it’s too much, you can take her outside. But honestly, it will probably lighten the mood to have her there. Teach her to show up for people. Plenty of adults don’t make themselves go through uncomfortable things because they were always given the choice.

Why? Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If she's not comfortable, she doesn't need to go. This isn't an adult. She doesn't need to show up for people, she needs to do what's best for her. She's a child. If you need emotional support, bring your therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

Nope. She goes to the funeral. If it’s too much, you can take her outside. But honestly, it will probably lighten the mood to have her there. Teach her to show up for people. Plenty of adults don’t make themselves go through uncomfortable things because they were always given the choice.

Why? Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If she's not comfortable, she doesn't need to go. This isn't an adult. She doesn't need to show up for people, she needs to do what's best for her. She's a child. If you need emotional support, bring your therapist.

This. If she doesn't want to go, she should not be forced to go.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean the actual funeral service vs the wake with an open casket viewing? If it’s simply the service, explain what she will see. For example, the casket is brought into the front of the church, etc. Is it possible for her to sit toward the back of the church so she is not in the thick of the mourners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean the actual funeral service vs the wake with an open casket viewing? If it’s simply the service, explain what she will see. For example, the casket is brought into the front of the church, etc. Is it possible for her to sit toward the back of the church so she is not in the thick of the mourners?

+1

Can you take her and sit in the back if the casket is open and not bring her to see her granny laying in the casket? Or maybe skip the repose/visitation/wake but go to the graveside burial?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

Nope. She goes to the funeral. If it’s too much, you can take her outside. But honestly, it will probably lighten the mood to have her there. Teach her to show up for people. Plenty of adults don’t make themselves go through uncomfortable things because they were always given the choice.

Why? Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If she's not comfortable, she doesn't need to go. This isn't an adult. She doesn't need to show up for people, she needs to do what's best for her. She's a child. If you need emotional support, bring your therapist.

Stfu