Do you still support your college graduate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It stops when you say it does. That could be tomorrow, or could be 40 years from now.
I

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure where we went wrong as parents. We have two kids: 26 and 28. Both are college grads and one even has a masters degree. Neither has a full time job that has anything to do with their degrees. Both live outside the home but we support them paying for rent and health insurance. Yes we feel badly about it but we can afford it. At what point does it stop though?

As parents, we all screw up at some point. Just correct course when you realize something isn't working. I still remember graduating from college and my parents told me they would pay two months rent, the following month I would get 1/2 the rent paid, and the following month I would get 1/4 paid, then no more. It made me feel better having time to get the wheels rolling, but at the same time I knew I had to hustle because I didn't have long. In hindsight, it was a nice transition to have the training wheels with an understanding of when they would come off.

[Anonymous]

BuT tHeY’rE aDuLtS!

[Anonymous]

Do they have unrealistic expectations for their lifestyle? Most recent graduates live with roommates or in group houses to make ends meet until they climb the income ladder. If they envision their own 2BR condo or whatever, few people get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure where we went wrong as parents. We have two kids: 26 and 28. Both are college grads and one even has a masters degree. Neither has a full time job that has anything to do with their degrees. Both live outside the home but we support them paying for rent and health insurance. Yes we feel badly about it but we can afford it. At what point does it stop though?

Hi !

If you read the following sub-forum, you will at least feel less alone:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/forums/show/85.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents told me after college, that I needed to live on whatever I made. Why aren't you doing that?

Probably because people are all different and all have different circumstances. NYC has so many in their 20s who don’t pay their own rent. In the arts especially.

Mine will never live on only what they make. They are early 20s. They each receive $8,000 a month from family trust. It’s not something we decided it was the grandfather specifically. They both work, my son has low pay, daughter has middle pay.

If his family decides it was in their children’s best interest to pay their rent then that’s his choice and sounds like a good choice.

Yeah, if you have a trust that gives you $8k a month, you don’t need to ever have to be self supporting but that doesn’t sound like OP’s situation.

[Anonymous]

I don't even make $8k/month and I've been working 25 years.

Must be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have unrealistic expectations for their lifestyle? Most recent graduates live with roommates or in group houses to make ends meet until they climb the income ladder. If they envision their own 2BR condo or whatever, few people get that.

+1 agree

And I like the ^PP's parent's way of paying for 2 months, then half for a month, then 1/4 the next month. It's a great way to wean the adult kids off and give them a bit of time to hustle and figure something out.

[Anonymous]

A big issue i have noticed is parents not wanting their kids to be poor and giving them $$ so they can keep the lifestyle they had growing up with clothes, entertainment, restaurants, travel etc.

It is a slipperly slope even if you have the money. I say it builds character to live in a basement apartment and need to budget your money for ramen etc.

[Anonymous]

Of course we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you did this. You are supposed to tell them that they are adults now, not babies. They should have known during college that they needed to figure out how to support themselves at graduation because, again, not babies.

You can “afford” it, but couldn’t you be putting that $$$ toward travel or retirement?

Also, it’s like not potty training your 5 year old because it’s convenient to keep them in diapers for long car rides. Or tying their shoes in the morning for years and years, because it’s quicker to get out of the house that way. You are infantilizing them, because it feels better than watching them take a higher paying job the don’t love or having a longer commute or realizing they can’t afford to live in NYC while working in a non profit.

By “helping them out,” you are stunting their personal growth.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A big issue i have noticed is parents not wanting their kids to be poor and giving them $$ so they can keep the lifestyle they had growing up with clothes, entertainment, restaurants, travel etc.

It is a slipperly slope even if you have the money. I say it builds character to live in a basement apartment and need to budget your money for ramen etc.

agree. When do you stop paying for them so that they can have certain lifestyle? 30, 40, 50?

Of course, it's agonizing to watch your kids suffer or make bad choices. But, they have to learn from their mistakes at some point. You teach them all throughout their lives from 0 to 18 life lessons and about choices and consequences. At some point, you have to let them learn from their choices.

What are your adult kids doing to find a better paying job?

I think it's one thing if your adult kids are trying to figure things out, have a plan (working their way up at a lower level job, going back to school, getting a certification, etc.) , but if they are just cruising at a PT job, and expecting parents to help fund their "independent" lifestyle, then that's another thing.

I live an umc lifestyle now, and my kids don't know what it's like to be poor and struggle like I did. I have drilled into them that they need to be able to get a job that pays the bills. One of my DCs loves the arts, but they know that the vast majority of artists struggle. DC likes their comfortable lifestyle, and we have been candid about how much it costs to live such a lifestyle.