Incredibly rude teen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many people don't take the time to understand their kids' perspective, and it leads to unnecessary conflict and sometimes, years of lasting resentment. I will never forget my mother's hyper-controlling behavior. We will never have the relationship she craves because of how she behaved towards me as a teen and young adult, before I laid down boundaries.

I have a teen daughter. I tailor my response to what her ACTUAL problem is (which is often different from what the STATED problem is). If she picks fights after a late evening practice because she's exhausted and hungry... there is no point in responding. She's just going to escalate and it will turn into a huge thing if I lay down the law. She will remember it years later as coercion and cruelty, and she'll be right.

My daughter is never rude when she's well-rested and fed. She can be short with us when stressed out right before a competition or major performance. She is making progress in that department and is immediately capable of self-reflection and apologies when I point it out. The fatigued&hungry rudeness has yet to improve, however, but I'm sure it will.

The key is to come at this from a place of love, not "I have the power and I will crush you just because I can" perspective, which is what her father defaults to.
My college-aged son, who is very respectful and my teen daughter, who is working towards that goal, have a close bond with me. Not so much with him!

Wowza! Enjoy your divorce that I am guessing is coming as soon as your daughter leaves the nest.

Your poor husband.

+1. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

Learn to back off, OP. Let your teen come to you. She is three years from adulthood at this point. Don't treat her like she's five.

[Anonymous]

This is tough and we still have our days. I will say in my household I’ve found she’s less default rude when I double down in showing I’m interested and care about the things she’s interested in. But sometimes she’s still rude. And sometimes we turn off the phone.

Though longterm I believe strengthening the relationship works better than punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that some of you think a good way to address immature, rude behavior is to try to top it. You need to read some basic parenting books.

Why? Let me meet the kids of the authors of those parenting books first, at least, before I conclude they have any clue what the hell they’re talking about.

(Anyone remember that cheesy movie “She’s out of control” with Tony Danza? And how infuriated he was when he discovered Wallace Shawn’s character didn’t even have a daughter?)

No.

[Anonymous]

Being silent or sulking or what she said sounds like a pretty normal teen to me. Hearing that wouldn’t even phase me. “Don’t you have anything better to do?” I would reply, “not really, so it sounds like you don’t want to come. Text me if you want anything.” Don’t give her a reaction.

My son is like this. Half of the time he will come to the driveway when I’m backing out, still sulking but say something like “I guess I’ll go since you really want me to”. Learn to give them space, OP. And then I don’t talk in the car unless he initiates conversation.

[Anonymous]

^hes also 15

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn to back off, OP. Let your teen come to you. She is three years from adulthood at this point. Don't treat her like she's five.

But don't treat her like she's 25, which is what many of my DD's friends' parents do. Your parenting job is FAR from done. Now is not the time to check out and "let them figure it out." Teens are idiots, even smart ones.

[Anonymous]

This would not fly in my house. My teens know that respect is not optional. Doesn't matter if you're tired, hungry or whatever excuse you may have that day. Last time my older teen was rude to me all comforts disappeared and she learned that I don't have to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being silent or sulking or what she said sounds like a pretty normal teen to me. Hearing that wouldn’t even phase me. “Don’t you have anything better to do?” I would reply, “not really, so it sounds like you don’t want to come. Text me if you want anything.” Don’t give her a reaction.

My son is like this. Half of the time he will come to the driveway when I’m backing out, still sulking but say something like “I guess I’ll go since you really want me to”. Learn to give them space, OP. And then I don’t talk in the car unless he initiates conversation.

Agreed.