Incredibly rude teen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD (15) has become increasingly rude to us this past year. She had a difficult year and so we let a lot of things slide, but she has crossed the line and I’m taking action.

Her rudeness comes in the form of being silent. Not answering simple questions when asked, not being at all sociable, and acting like everything we say is totally stupid. Today I suggested we go to the store together and she responded “ don’t you have anything better to do”.

My question is how should I handle this? I’m tempted to take her phone away until she acts more sociable and polite. But maybe that’s not the best way to handle, especially with it being school break. Her phone is her only connection to friends this week. I’ve been ignoring her all day, which I realize is immature of me. I’m just so angry.

The ship has sailed this time. My usual response is "try that again".

When you are through being rightfully upset, go for a drive and have a chat. Don't make it a choice and have her leave her phone at home. Ask why she's being so surly. Address her response. Then tell her that her rudeness will no longer be tolerated. She will get one chance to re-do her response and then x consequence will happen.

Respect shouldn't be optional. Teens ARE capable of addressing parents respecfully even when they are upset. Expect more. I know that isn't the trendy approach, but it's my suggestion.

[Anonymous]

My response would be, “Yes or no is an appropriate answer to that question” and then move on. Keep teaching her how to respond. She will eventually learn that she will never get what she wants when she speaks to you rudely.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Today I asked her to give me her phone and explained to her that she needs to learn to live respectfully in the real world before she can have full phone privileges.
I told her she can have her phone for a couple hours in the evenings while she’s learning this important skill. When I see her social skills and attitude improve I’ll be more than happy to give her phone back full time.
I’m not sure if this is the right approach but it’s what I’m doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time she asks you to do something for her (e.g., drive her somewhere, buy something for her, etc.) you reply simply and calmly, "I'm sorry but I have better things to do" and just go on with your day. No yelling, no lectures, no silent treatment after that.

I'm not sure what kind of questions you're asking her and when, for example my 16 yo DD isn't much in the mood to talk in the morning on the way to school, and in the afternoon as soon as I pick her up, if I ask the usual how was school today, anything interesting happen, etc. she's not interested in those questions and I'll get "fine" or "boring" and that's it. But that's totally normal for teens. And later on after she's gotten home, had a snack, chilled out a bit, she'll be in a better mood to talk.

So your suggestion for how to handle a rude teen is to be rude to them in return? Got it.

[Anonymous]

Some of you hate your kids, I can’t imagine living in a household full of passive aggressive bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to them, when you are rude and disrespectful, it’s difficult for me to do nice things for you (rides, buy favorite snacks, fund an outing, prepare/buy food for a friend get together). Sometimes you need to spell it out for kids.

This.

I just explained to my kids I’m a human and I have feeling. They aren’t sociopaths so while they don’t immediately and joyfully hang out with me they try to be nice.

We work to find common things we like. I’m NEVER asking my kids to run errands, but they may go for a hike/walk or go hit golf balls or watch a movie.

My girls like running errands, especially if it’s just me and one of them. Not every single time, but they will often choose to go and it usually results in some nice conversations.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your solution was probably a good one. When you give the phone back, explain that her rudeness was hurtful and that is never okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time she asks you to do something for her (e.g., drive her somewhere, buy something for her, etc.) you reply simply and calmly, "I'm sorry but I have better things to do" and just go on with your day. No yelling, no lectures, no silent treatment after that.

I'm not sure what kind of questions you're asking her and when, for example my 16 yo DD isn't much in the mood to talk in the morning on the way to school, and in the afternoon as soon as I pick her up, if I ask the usual how was school today, anything interesting happen, etc. she's not interested in those questions and I'll get "fine" or "boring" and that's it. But that's totally normal for teens. And later on after she's gotten home, had a snack, chilled out a bit, she'll be in a better mood to talk.

So your suggestion for how to handle a rude teen is to be rude to them in return? Got it.

Yes. I am older and more experienced and much better at it than they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people don't take the time to understand their kids' perspective, and it leads to unnecessary conflict and sometimes, years of lasting resentment. I will never forget my mother's hyper-controlling behavior. We will never have the relationship she craves because of how she behaved towards me as a teen and young adult, before I laid down boundaries.

I have a teen daughter. I tailor my response to what her ACTUAL problem is (which is often different from what the STATED problem is). If she picks fights after a late evening practice because she's exhausted and hungry... there is no point in responding. She's just going to escalate and it will turn into a huge thing if I lay down the law. She will remember it years later as coercion and cruelty, and she'll be right.

My daughter is never rude when she's well-rested and fed. She can be short with us when stressed out right before a competition or major performance. She is making progress in that department and is immediately capable of self-reflection and apologies when I point it out. The fatigued&hungry rudeness has yet to improve, however, but I'm sure it will.

The key is to come at this from a place of love, not "I have the power and I will crush you just because I can" perspective, which is what her father defaults to.
My college-aged son, who is very respectful and my teen daughter, who is working towards that goal, have a close bond with me. Not so much with him!

Wowza! Enjoy your divorce that I am guessing is coming as soon as your daughter leaves the nest.

Your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she perhaps feel hurt by you? Her comment makes me think she perceives you have more important priorities than her?

People act out when they feel unloved or mistreated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Figure out what is going on—talk to her, ask siblings, maybe dad can talk to her. It’s the only way to work through it.

Sure, you can maybe get her to “comply” by taking her phone, sending her to her room, or hitting her if that’s your prerogative, but it’s not going improve the relationship.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time she asks you to do something for her (e.g., drive her somewhere, buy something for her, etc.) you reply simply and calmly, "I'm sorry but I have better things to do" and just go on with your day. No yelling, no lectures, no silent treatment after that.

I'm not sure what kind of questions you're asking her and when, for example my 16 yo DD isn't much in the mood to talk in the morning on the way to school, and in the afternoon as soon as I pick her up, if I ask the usual how was school today, anything interesting happen, etc. she's not interested in those questions and I'll get "fine" or "boring" and that's it. But that's totally normal for teens. And later on after she's gotten home, had a snack, chilled out a bit, she'll be in a better mood to talk.

This is passive aggressive BS.

Do better.

DP. It may be passive aggressive but I also guarantee it will get the point across better than any of the other suggestions in this thread.

No it will model terrible behavior and she will use it in her marriage and end up divorced.

Your insane if you think it “works”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to them, when you are rude and disrespectful, it’s difficult for me to do nice things for you (rides, buy favorite snacks, fund an outing, prepare/buy food for a friend get together). Sometimes you need to spell it out for kids.

This.

I just explained to my kids I’m a human and I have feeling. They aren’t sociopaths so while they don’t immediately and joyfully hang out with me they try to be nice.

We work to find common things we like. I’m NEVER asking my kids to run errands, but they may go for a hike/walk or go hit golf balls or watch a movie.

My girls like running errands, especially if it’s just me and one of them. Not every single time, but they will often choose to go and it usually results in some nice conversations.

I spend enough time with my kids and have nice conversations I don’t need to create an artificial outing. But if your kids enjoy it go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she perhaps feel hurt by you? Her comment makes me think she perceives you have more important priorities than her?

People act out when they feel unloved or mistreated.

People also act out when they’re teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to them, when you are rude and disrespectful, it’s difficult for me to do nice things for you (rides, buy favorite snacks, fund an outing, prepare/buy food for a friend get together). Sometimes you need to spell it out for kids.

This.

I just explained to my kids I’m a human and I have feeling. They aren’t sociopaths so while they don’t immediately and joyfully hang out with me they try to be nice.

We work to find common things we like. I’m NEVER asking my kids to run errands, but they may go for a hike/walk or go hit golf balls or watch a movie.

My girls like running errands, especially if it’s just me and one of them. Not every single time, but they will often choose to go and it usually results in some nice conversations.

I spend enough time with my kids and have nice conversations I don’t need to create an artificial outing. But if your kids enjoy it go for it.

What a strange dig. I don't "create an artificial outing" - these are legit errands and my girls sometimes like to come. Why does that make you insecure?