Incredibly rude teen!

[Anonymous]

DD (15) has become increasingly rude to us this past year. She had a difficult year and so we let a lot of things slide, but she has crossed the line and I’m taking action.

Her rudeness comes in the form of being silent. Not answering simple questions when asked, not being at all sociable, and acting like everything we say is totally stupid. Today I suggested we go to the store together and she responded “ don’t you have anything better to do”.

My question is how should I handle this? I’m tempted to take her phone away until she acts more sociable and polite. But maybe that’s not the best way to handle, especially with it being school break. Her phone is her only connection to friends this week. I’ve been ignoring her all day, which I realize is immature of me. I’m just so angry.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. In my world, that's not "incredibly rude" and teens can hurt you a lot more than that. But you do need to remind her that basic decency is expected while she is living in your house. Also tell her that having been a teen yourself, you remember how hard it is, and how annoying parents can be, just by merely existing! But that this does not excuse her from the bare minimum of courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow to the previous person who said her smart comment wasn’t rude. It would not fly in my house. I would have snatched her phone and told her “don’t you have anything better to do?” Sorry, but I would never let disrespect slide because of what she is going through. She isn’t going through enough BS in her short life to be rude to the hand that cares for her.

[Anonymous]

Does she perhaps feel hurt by you? Her comment makes me think she perceives you have more important priorities than her?

[Anonymous]

That’s exactly how my two nieces are with my sister. She’s more controlling than most people and her two girls have always been on the quiet side. I’m wondering if they don’t talk to her because she shuts them down too often.

Based on watching my sister I would recommend not blowing up because they won’t talk or say something rude. That doesn’t work.

Maybe no judgment no matter how she responds and if she’s pleasant give her extra positive attention. And don’t say anything like “see, I knew you could be nice!” Or anything like that.

This age is not easy for a lot of us.

[Anonymous]

If my teen said that to me, after I invited them to the store with me, I'd say "Go to your room and don't come out until you can speak nicely." And then after five minutes I'd go in and take her temp, make a big production of checking if she's sick, etc. and say "You MUST be sick to think speaking that way. There's really no other explanation. No sane person would respond to an invitation so rudely. Do you think you need to go straight to the ER or would Urgent Care do?"

That's for the first time. If it happened again I'd say "You seem to have lost your mind to think talking to people that way is acceptable. Go to your room and try to find it. You obviously aren't fit for public consumption right now so you can stay in your room until your attitude changes."

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid my mom would smack my face for that kind of comment. I learned really quickly.

I'm not advocating hitting a kid and I never hit mine. But like my mother, I required respect. No passes, I don't care what difficult time you are going through, I never allowed my kids to talk to me crazy. When they tested I immediately addressed the situation. It was a hill I was willing to die on.

OP, she's too old for this. Correct her every single time, no matter what hard time she's going through, do not give her a pass to disrespect you.

[Anonymous]

Figure out what is going on—talk to her, ask siblings, maybe dad can talk to her. It’s the only way to work through it.

Sure, you can maybe get her to “comply” by taking her phone, sending her to her room, or hitting her if that’s your prerogative, but it’s not going improve the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Following

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a kid my mom would smack my face for that kind of comment. I learned really quickly.

I'm not advocating hitting a kid and I never hit mine. But like my mother, I required respect. No passes, I don't care what difficult time you are going through, I never allowed my kids to talk to me crazy. When they tested I immediately addressed the situation. It was a hill I was willing to die on.

OP, she's too old for this. Correct her every single time, no matter what hard time she's going through, do not give her a pass to disrespect you.

Same. We push respect in all interactions… in our family, with others, with animals, etc.

The first time I would explain how the comment came across and say “you may not understand how your words were perceived…” and the second time there would be a consequence.

[Anonymous]

The next time she asks you to do something for her (e.g., drive her somewhere, buy something for her, etc.) you reply simply and calmly, "I'm sorry but I have better things to do" and just go on with your day. No yelling, no lectures, no silent treatment after that.

I'm not sure what kind of questions you're asking her and when, for example my 16 yo DD isn't much in the mood to talk in the morning on the way to school, and in the afternoon as soon as I pick her up, if I ask the usual how was school today, anything interesting happen, etc. she's not interested in those questions and I'll get "fine" or "boring" and that's it. But that's totally normal for teens. And later on after she's gotten home, had a snack, chilled out a bit, she'll be in a better mood to talk.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s well known that girls from 13-15 are kind of a nightmare

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. Do you remember what it was like to be 15?

Your daughter is being rude and sulky, sure, but that’s par for the course at 15. I parent much more in the vein of the ER mom above (my kids think I’m *hilarious*), but truly - you really cannot take her this seriously or let her get under you skin so easily. Have a very clear set of expectations (write them down!) and do NOT give her this much attention. Just love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a kid my mom would smack my face for that kind of comment. I learned really quickly.

I'm not advocating hitting a kid and I never hit mine. But like my mother, I required respect. No passes, I don't care what difficult time you are going through, I never allowed my kids to talk to me crazy. When they tested I immediately addressed the situation. It was a hill I was willing to die on.

OP, she's too old for this. Correct her every single time, no matter what hard time she's going through, do not give her a pass to disrespect you.

This. I have little kids so I’m not at the age of disrespectfulness yet. (Right now they are farting in my vicinity and while we are in the car) But I would never say anything like this to my mother especially if I were within her reach or if anything throwable was within her reach. She would not only slap me she would back hand slap me without warning.

If I heard someone else mouth off to their momma I’d gtfo the way just in case even at my big grown age now.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it's an issue of modern parenting. We've been told over and over again to listen and empathize to our kids and to not hit them.

Well guess what, they aren't scared of us. My kids aren't scared of me.

I suppose it's mostly a good thing, but it has its downsides.

At a different, non-elevated moment, I would clarify expectations around respect and treating others well in the house. And then I would set consequences for not following those guidelines, such as loss of phone privileges.