Need housekeeper for my hoarder young adults
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Anonymous
This answer is involved but is absolutely correct. Also you need to think about what your goals are here. Not having your house trashed? Having your kids be functioning adults as long as there is a (by US standards) ridiculously high level of housekeeping help? (This option will cost someone a fair amount--in the US, housekeeping service labor is not particularly cheap.) Having your kids be functioning adults with only the amount of housekeeping help that they are able and willing to hire and manage? Having your kids be functioning adults w/o their mommy coming in to do their housekeeping for them? |
Anonymous
That is a generality. The individual cleaners may be willing to do the tidying if they are paid for their time. I had a twice weekly housecleaner that worked a full day and was able to straighten up, do laundry and clean. I shared her with another family of three boys and two unhousetrained dogs that needed her all 3 days to keep up with them. Perhaps an agency could find someone for you but it won't be cheap. I have found my housecleaners on Nextdoor and Craiglist but you will need to be local to vet and interview them. |
Anonymous
You don't understand much about mental illness do you, poster? Workaholism is one of the primary modes by which abused people sublimate all the destructive feelings they have from their trauma. It's also the most socially acceptable and least destructive to others. It is not for any one of us to dictate the timeline by which someone else of us travels the therapeutic process with post traumatic stress disorder. The traumas that people are experiencing ongoing destructive stress over are ones which revisiting can cause very serious consequences to the psyche. She will get there when she gets there and while her compulsive shopping disorder isn't great, if she can afford it then it is what it is and someday it will mean lots of nice things at the local thrift stores for frugal shoppers when the DD is well enough to purge her hoard of clothing. Meantime OP they need weekly housekeeping and you should use all positive means available to you to encourage your daughter on the path of ptsd treatment/recovery. Maybe she needs a new therapist? Or a new approach, there are great tools to be learned in DBT. I hope you have some sense that she isn't bankrupting herself with the compulsive shopping. |
Anonymous
OP here. My culture does not allow any filth. Nor did I say my culture allows it. I said, my culture and my upbringing would not kick them out of the house. I am from a very, very, very clean family. As a matter of fact, my two SILs (American-born and raised for generations) think I am overly into cleaning and I would go to holiday dinners' at their houses that would have undies on the couch and piles of laundry. Dog hair was everywhere and on couches and nothing was prepared and cleaned. Thinking about it, one niece and nephew are maybe worse than my kids and one is married and lives in a house their fully American dad bought them. This level of untidiness reminds me of a friend of SIL's who invited us for Thanksgiving one year, and I walked into a house full of dirty laundry and what I would consider a pigsty. Full of guests too. DH is also American-born and often tells me not to tell anything to the "kids" and to let it be! His dad is a narcissist so there is that, walk-on eggshell attitude about every conflict. If this continues, I might tell them to pay rent. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you so much for your kind post and understanding. I am truly in a state of constant stress myself as every phone call might be about her doing something destructive or having another serious breakdown. She told me that her boyfriend texted her to get a grip...and she cut him off. One part of me is so proud of her, and the other part wonders if she will ever be able to have a functional relationship. And honestly, maybe I am overreacting, but the bathtub definitely looked like a mental illness issue, more than the clothes. I do no think a fully functioning person would allow the bathtub to get that way. Being a slob runs on DH's side of the family. I say this without any malice, it is just a fact. DD also is thrifting, and now that she earns money we are not giving her money. |
Anonymous
Thank you both for the advice. It is all helpful and I will work on getting her a coach, as well as my son. And all the other services. Yes, it is mom coming to clean the house, it is too much, to be honest, mentally and physically. Then back to work as soon as I am back in the other country. Joy to all the mom. Why am I so tired? Well... |
Anonymous
| Since they’re in a big house it sounds like, you can also do a regular housecleaner and give your daughter a “pile room” where she can stack up all her clothes and stuff before the housecleaner comes. But only if she can be religious about not having food in there. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am a daughter of a hoarder and enabler.
I’ve read and watched a lot on the subject as well as have personally dealt with it sporadically while my mother was alive and in a radical manner once she was gone (cleaned the house and reorganized things for my dad who was conditioned to live in filth). Let me tell you, it’s not just a matter of learning how to clean. You need to separate your mentally unwell DD and your more adjusted DS (he is more adjusted right?) both mentally and physically. There are people who live with hoarders and become traumatized/conditioned, you need to at least try to save your DS. Maybe he needs a room and a bathroom exclusively his own where he needs to keep up a certain order, by himself or with someone’s help. Second, it seems like the PP who suggested you need multiple people is right. Cleaners will scrub weekly. You need a guardian for your kids to keep them in some sort of structure.. maybe organize together, give them tasks, assign spaces for their stuff or direct them to do it. Granted my dad is old but he is unable to function as a clean person without being promoted to put away this or that, to shower etc. basically your kids are teens and need to be patented accordingly in their daily life organization! |
Anonymous
Yes, I think as a rule of thumb if you have someone a full day or more a week, they’re going to be able to do more tidying for you. But your general weekly or biweekly half day housecleaner, no. |
Anonymous
Wouldn’t it benefit them more to ensure they are getting the necessary meds and/or therapy to help them manage and function appropriately? As the parent of a young adult with ADHD and messy habits, we have always worked hard on trying to make sure they have the best protocols in place to help them live healthy adult lives. If we simply hired help to do the dirty work for them, that feeds the poor behavior. They may never be spotless housekeepers but they do need to be able to avoid turning into hoarders and live in filth. |
Anonymous
Excellent point to separate OP's DS. It is easy to give up on cleaning and organizing when living with a hoarder. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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I don't mean to hijack this thread but I am going to comment (it's relevant to what OP implies).
We have never had a house cleaner and for upper middle class people in this area that seems like an outlier. We moved from a 1800 sf house to a 3000 sf house and it's almost easier to clean (the new house is newer, the old house was very old). Sometimes I wish we had a cleaner, but this weekend when I was raking leaves with my teen DS I realized something: he has so much relative privilege and so few chores (again, relatively) that having to clean a toilet and rake leaves semi-regularly is a gift to him and to his future partner or roommate(s). In fact, when I started raking at 10am he came out on his own at 10:30 to help, suited up. Then and there I decided that I won't question whether we should have a cleaner or lawn company for routine mowing/raking until he goes to college. A huge part of this reason is to not end up like OP. And OP, I'm sorry. You sound thoughtful, in retrospect. |
Anonymous
| Have you tried EMDR therapy? It helped my niece immensely after witnessing the murder of her mother. |
Anonymous
What a judgmental, unhelpful post. Glad you are trying not to be like OP. 🙄 |