Need housekeeper for my hoarder young adults

[Anonymous]

Where are you located? There are my maids and they are awesome. Professionalism of a franchise without being a franchise: https://stwcleaning.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a really odd thread!

Why? You all have young adults that clean? Makes me more of a failure.

Yes, my adult kids clean. I wouldn’t consider them functioning adults if they didn’t.

Op has been very clear that her daughter is not a functioning adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located? There are my maids and they are awesome. Professionalism of a franchise without being a franchise: https://stwcleaning.com/

Thanks so much for that recommendation. I am in MoCo though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried EMDR therapy? It helped my niece immensely after witnessing the murder of her mother.

I am reading about it now. Never heard of it before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a daughter of a hoarder and enabler.
I’ve read and watched a lot on the subject as well as have personally dealt with it sporadically while my mother was alive and in a radical manner once she was gone (cleaned the house and reorganized things for my dad who was conditioned to live in filth).
Let me tell you, it’s not just a matter of learning how to clean.
You need to separate your mentally unwell DD and your more adjusted DS (he is more adjusted right?) both mentally and physically. There are people who live with hoarders and become traumatized/conditioned, you need to at least try to save your DS. Maybe he needs a room and a bathroom exclusively his own where he needs to keep up a certain order, by himself or with someone’s help.
Second, it seems like the PP who suggested you need multiple people is right. Cleaners will scrub weekly. You need a guardian for your kids to keep them in some sort of structure.. maybe organize together, give them tasks, assign spaces for their stuff or direct them to do it.
Granted my dad is old but he is unable to function as a clean person without being promoted to put away this or that, to shower etc.
basically your kids are teens and need to be patented accordingly in their daily life organization!

That is very helpful and makes me feel that I am not overreacting. I will have to really plan and organize all the help and hope that it will work out in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are we actually just talking piles of clothes, OP?
Or are there other things hidden and/or mixed in with the clothing? Undiscarded food, food wrappers, dirty dishes, trash….potential mice droppings, cat feces?
I mean—a “housekeeper” to stay on top of the laundry is one thing, but you may first need to hire a hazmat team or call around to junk removal places.

Depends on the week. Three bedrooms and the garage full of clothes everywhere. moved from the dorm here and just sitting there since August.
This time, the bathtubs were gross, but cleaned within a day by me. I took care of it. So far no vermin, but that is my fear. No food in clothing yet. I had tried to tell them I would throw everything away, but that caused some hysteric meltdowns.

Why do they have so many clothes?

DD has some mental health issues and was attacked(horrifically) in college. She buys impulsively when she feels bad thinking it will make her feel better.

Then she is not well enough to work so many hours that she doesn’t have time for therapy.

You don't understand much about mental illness do you, poster?

Workaholism is one of the primary modes by which abused people sublimate all the destructive feelings they have from their trauma. It's also the most socially acceptable and least destructive to others.

It is not for any one of us to dictate the timeline by which someone else of us travels the therapeutic process with post traumatic stress disorder. The traumas that people are experiencing ongoing destructive stress over are ones which revisiting can cause very serious consequences to the psyche. She will get there when she gets there and while her compulsive shopping disorder isn't great, if she can afford it then it is what it is and someday it will mean lots of nice things at the local thrift stores for frugal shoppers when the DD is well enough to purge her hoard of clothing.

Meantime OP they need weekly housekeeping and you should use all positive means available to you to encourage your daughter on the path of ptsd treatment/recovery. Maybe she needs a new therapist? Or a new approach, there are great tools to be learned in DBT. I hope you have some sense that she isn't bankrupting herself with the compulsive shopping.

OP here. Thank you so much for your kind post and understanding. I am truly in a state of constant stress myself as every phone call might be about her doing something destructive or having another serious breakdown. She told me that her boyfriend texted her to get a grip...and she cut him off. One part of me is so proud of her, and the other part wonders if she will ever be able to have a functional relationship. And honestly, maybe I am overreacting, but the bathtub definitely looked like a mental illness issue, more than the clothes. I do no think a fully functioning person would allow the bathtub to get that way.
Being a slob runs on DH's side of the family. I say this without any malice, it is just a fact.
DD also is thrifting, and now that she earns money we are not giving her money.

How bad was the bathtub really? I'm wondering if it feels worse to you than it really is, given that it sounds like you have high standards of cleanliness. It's not unusual for young adults not to stay on top of cleaning tubs and showers, especially young adults with ADHD, and honestly adults of all ages use cleaners rather than try and fail to keep their bathrooms clean themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are we actually just talking piles of clothes, OP?
Or are there other things hidden and/or mixed in with the clothing? Undiscarded food, food wrappers, dirty dishes, trash….potential mice droppings, cat feces?
I mean—a “housekeeper” to stay on top of the laundry is one thing, but you may first need to hire a hazmat team or call around to junk removal places.

Depends on the week. Three bedrooms and the garage full of clothes everywhere. moved from the dorm here and just sitting there since August.
This time, the bathtubs were gross, but cleaned within a day by me. I took care of it. So far no vermin, but that is my fear. No food in clothing yet. I had tried to tell them I would throw everything away, but that caused some hysteric meltdowns.

Why do they have so many clothes?

DD has some mental health issues and was attacked(horrifically) in college. She buys impulsively when she feels bad thinking it will make her feel better.

Then she is not well enough to work so many hours that she doesn’t have time for therapy.

You don't understand much about mental illness do you, poster?

Workaholism is one of the primary modes by which abused people sublimate all the destructive feelings they have from their trauma. It's also the most socially acceptable and least destructive to others.

It is not for any one of us to dictate the timeline by which someone else of us travels the therapeutic process with post traumatic stress disorder. The traumas that people are experiencing ongoing destructive stress over are ones which revisiting can cause very serious consequences to the psyche. She will get there when she gets there and while her compulsive shopping disorder isn't great, if she can afford it then it is what it is and someday it will mean lots of nice things at the local thrift stores for frugal shoppers when the DD is well enough to purge her hoard of clothing.

Meantime OP they need weekly housekeeping and you should use all positive means available to you to encourage your daughter on the path of ptsd treatment/recovery. Maybe she needs a new therapist? Or a new approach, there are great tools to be learned in DBT. I hope you have some sense that she isn't bankrupting herself with the compulsive shopping.

OP here. Thank you so much for your kind post and understanding. I am truly in a state of constant stress myself as every phone call might be about her doing something destructive or having another serious breakdown. She told me that her boyfriend texted her to get a grip...and she cut him off. One part of me is so proud of her, and the other part wonders if she will ever be able to have a functional relationship. And honestly, maybe I am overreacting, but the bathtub definitely looked like a mental illness issue, more than the clothes. I do no think a fully functioning person would allow the bathtub to get that way.
Being a slob runs on DH's side of the family. I say this without any malice, it is just a fact.
DD also is thrifting, and now that she earns money we are not giving her money.

How bad was the bathtub really? I'm wondering if it feels worse to you than it really is, given that it sounds like you have high standards of cleanliness. It's not unusual for young adults not to stay on top of cleaning tubs and showers, especially young adults with ADHD, and honestly adults of all ages use cleaners rather than try and fail to keep their bathrooms clean themselves.

It is an older bathroom so needs updating, that is true. The sinks were fine, but that one bathtub had black mold in every corner and almost on every grout line. Hair on the tiles, which she does so it doesn't plug the drain but she did not clean or remove any hair for weeks it looked like.
I just spoke to Molly Maids, cleaning is not cheap in MoCo and told them it will be one of those leave upon seeing or deciding to help. The house is clean now, apart from two bedrooms full of clothes. I did 9 loads of laundry in 2 days.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your support and suggestions. I will be traveling tomorrow, so if I don't post know that this thread and your suggestions helped me a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are we actually just talking piles of clothes, OP?
Or are there other things hidden and/or mixed in with the clothing? Undiscarded food, food wrappers, dirty dishes, trash….potential mice droppings, cat feces?
I mean—a “housekeeper” to stay on top of the laundry is one thing, but you may first need to hire a hazmat team or call around to junk removal places.

Depends on the week. Three bedrooms and the garage full of clothes everywhere. moved from the dorm here and just sitting there since August.
This time, the bathtubs were gross, but cleaned within a day by me. I took care of it. So far no vermin, but that is my fear. No food in clothing yet. I had tried to tell them I would throw everything away, but that caused some hysteric meltdowns.

Why do they have so many clothes?

DD has some mental health issues and was attacked(horrifically) in college. She buys impulsively when she feels bad thinking it will make her feel better.

Then she is not well enough to work so many hours that she doesn’t have time for therapy.

You don't understand much about mental illness do you, poster?

Workaholism is one of the primary modes by which abused people sublimate all the destructive feelings they have from their trauma. It's also the most socially acceptable and least destructive to others.

It is not for any one of us to dictate the timeline by which someone else of us travels the therapeutic process with post traumatic stress disorder. The traumas that people are experiencing ongoing destructive stress over are ones which revisiting can cause very serious consequences to the psyche. She will get there when she gets there and while her compulsive shopping disorder isn't great, if she can afford it then it is what it is and someday it will mean lots of nice things at the local thrift stores for frugal shoppers when the DD is well enough to purge her hoard of clothing.

Meantime OP they need weekly housekeeping and you should use all positive means available to you to encourage your daughter on the path of ptsd treatment/recovery. Maybe she needs a new therapist? Or a new approach, there are great tools to be learned in DBT. I hope you have some sense that she isn't bankrupting herself with the compulsive shopping.

OP here. Thank you so much for your kind post and understanding. I am truly in a state of constant stress myself as every phone call might be about her doing something destructive or having another serious breakdown. She told me that her boyfriend texted her to get a grip...and she cut him off. One part of me is so proud of her, and the other part wonders if she will ever be able to have a functional relationship. And honestly, maybe I am overreacting, but the bathtub definitely looked like a mental illness issue, more than the clothes. I do no think a fully functioning person would allow the bathtub to get that way.
Being a slob runs on DH's side of the family. I say this without any malice, it is just a fact.
DD also is thrifting, and now that she earns money we are not giving her money.

How bad was the bathtub really? I'm wondering if it feels worse to you than it really is, given that it sounds like you have high standards of cleanliness. It's not unusual for young adults not to stay on top of cleaning tubs and showers, especially young adults with ADHD, and honestly adults of all ages use cleaners rather than try and fail to keep their bathrooms clean themselves.

It is an older bathroom so needs updating, that is true. The sinks were fine, but that one bathtub had black mold in every corner and almost on every grout line. Hair on the tiles, which she does so it doesn't plug the drain but she did not clean or remove any hair for weeks it looked like.
I just spoke to Molly Maids, cleaning is not cheap in MoCo and told them it will be one of those leave upon seeing or deciding to help. The house is clean now, apart from two bedrooms full of clothes. I did 9 loads of laundry in 2 days.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your support and suggestions. I will be traveling tomorrow, so if I don't post know that this thread and your suggestions helped me a lot.

Honestly that sounds like my bathroom well into my thirties, until we finally got cleaners. And I feel like I'm a decently-functioning adult... I do have ADHD but not, like, trauma-level mental health issues. I mean, it's not great but I don't think she's alarmingly bad/out of the ordinary (and frankly, I feel like *tons* of men in their twenties have very dirty and gross bathrooms, worse than you describe, and it's often just taken as par for the course.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a daughter of a hoarder and enabler.
I’ve read and watched a lot on the subject as well as have personally dealt with it sporadically while my mother was alive and in a radical manner once she was gone (cleaned the house and reorganized things for my dad who was conditioned to live in filth).
Let me tell you, it’s not just a matter of learning how to clean.
You need to separate your mentally unwell DD and your more adjusted DS (he is more adjusted right?) both mentally and physically. There are people who live with hoarders and become traumatized/conditioned, you need to at least try to save your DS. Maybe he needs a room and a bathroom exclusively his own where he needs to keep up a certain order, by himself or with someone’s help.
Second, it seems like the PP who suggested you need multiple people is right. Cleaners will scrub weekly. You need a guardian for your kids to keep them in some sort of structure.. maybe organize together, give them tasks, assign spaces for their stuff or direct them to do it.
Granted my dad is old but he is unable to function as a clean person without being promoted to put away this or that, to shower etc.
basically your kids are teens and need to be patented accordingly in their daily life organization!

That is very helpful and makes me feel that I am not overreacting. I will have to really plan and organize all the help and hope that it will work out in the long run.

I wish you the best of luck!
I do think that some young adults need a bit more props in their daily lives than others … or than it’s considered typical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean to hijack this thread but I am going to comment (it's relevant to what OP implies).

We have never had a house cleaner and for upper middle class people in this area that seems like an outlier. We moved from a 1800 sf house to a 3000 sf house and it's almost easier to clean (the new house is newer, the old house was very old). Sometimes I wish we had a cleaner, but this weekend when I was raking leaves with my teen DS I realized something: he has so much relative privilege and so few chores (again, relatively) that having to clean a toilet and rake leaves semi-regularly is a gift to him and to his future partner or roommate(s). In fact, when I started raking at 10am he came out on his own at 10:30 to help, suited up. Then and there I decided that I won't question whether we should have a cleaner or lawn company for routine mowing/raking until he goes to college.

A huge part of this reason is to not end up like OP. And OP, I'm sorry. You sound thoughtful, in retrospect.

I have no idea why you thought this was a remotely relevant or useful post. Seriously, I’m confused.

[Anonymous]

Help me to understand how you justify/tolerate this behavior. One kid with ADHD and the other is lazy (your words), but somehow they graduated from college and are working full time. From my experience, when kids return to the nest, they revert to being teenagers again. They feel no responsibility for YOUR home that you have paid for with your hard earned money. Your answer is to hire more people?? I urge OP to seek some therapy and make a plan for your young adults to become responsible for themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks again everyone for helpful posts and suggestions! Back to work now.

[Anonymous]

I am back home for the holidays and happy to report that the house was cleaner and better maintained than when I came in November.
Even the dishwasher had clean dishes! I took them out, but I will take it.
Still, two bedrooms are full of clothes, so we announced a summer cleaning session to DD and DS and throwing away clothes they don't know they even have.

A week ago, DH visited his family in another state and told me that compared to our kids, their cousins' living conditions are worse. They have rats or mice in the garage. His sister's house was also not clean. His words were that our kids are not even close to how dirty their house is. Honestly, it could be that my kids are in that stage of not being adults when it comes to cleaning and are still in the college phase.
I could not get a house cleaner as I couldn't make sure that the kids had moved their clothes prior, and hiring a full-time housekeeper was out of financial reach.

Merry Christmas to all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to cut the strings….

Yes, great advice, however, not in my culture and not for me. I will never do that.

What Bull shit your kids are in America so that is your kids culture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am back home for the holidays and happy to report that the house was cleaner and better maintained than when I came in November.
Even the dishwasher had clean dishes! I took them out, but I will take it.
Still, two bedrooms are full of clothes, so we announced a summer cleaning session to DD and DS and throwing away clothes they don't know they even have.

A week ago, DH visited his family in another state and told me that compared to our kids, their cousins' living conditions are worse. They have rats or mice in the garage. His sister's house was also not clean. His words were that our kids are not even close to how dirty their house is. Honestly, it could be that my kids are in that stage of not being adults when it comes to cleaning and are still in the college phase.
I could not get a house cleaner as I couldn't make sure that the kids had moved their clothes prior, and hiring a full-time housekeeper was out of financial reach.

Merry Christmas to all!

I’m glad to hear it OP. Thanks for the update and Merry Christmas to you!