AITA not giving SIL inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

This is a really good point. And it puts your DH in a really bad place, which is unfair. But it doesn't sound like there is much to inherit anyway if they are taking out loans to support her. So maybe it's best to just walk away from an inheritance but I would absolutely cut SIL off once FIL is gone.

However, my bigger concern if I were you/DH is how much money FIL has to care for himself. It's one thing to inherit nothing but its another thing for you to have to pay for his medical care because of SIL. That would be the conversation I would be having first.

THIS. If he has to borrow money for SIL, he probably has none left for himself. DH should tell him "Dad, I don't need an inheritance. We're just fine financially. But I don't have enough to support you if you run out of money, and I'm concerned about that happening." Then long awkward silence.

OP here - First, I want to say thank you to all who responded. It gave me perspective.

And thank you for note about executor. DH is named and has power of attorney as “responsible child.”

I led with the above about healthcare cost and long term care with DH. FIL/MILs plan before they gave SIL money was to sell house and buy into a retirement community with progressive care. they no longer have the means to pay for this and need to rethink their own future care.

DH agreed with talking to FIL. He is also going to calmly say no, he does not agree to give SIL his inheritance. Instead, anything ear marked for DH should go in a trust for their grandchild who has SN (our child).

We know there isn’t much money. DH and I hope that a conversation with curb FILs generosity to SIL and think more strategically about the future.

FWIW, SIL is not what was described in the comments. She had two Ivy League degrees. She has no money because she/BIL keep making risky short term investments. Or, decisions that are head scratching like getting buyers remorse on a McMansion and selling it at a loss because “she didn’t like the pool” then getting foreclosed on with the next house when they overcommitted financially. And, got offended when DH nicely suggested she may want to get a job…

I guess it’s not my monkeys, nor my circus.

I don’t understand the conversation around a trust. If they can’t afford a retirement home now, then there likely won’t be anything left when they pass.

If I were your dh I’d tell FIL they are not doing her any favors by continuously bailing her out. They’re infantilizing her, crippling her really. It’s not good for her. Maybe that message would get through to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would your conversation go?

Ha! Exactly.

[Anonymous]

They haven't died, it's their money, not an inheritance! There is nothing for trusts if they cannot pay for their own care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

This is a really good point. And it puts your DH in a really bad place, which is unfair. But it doesn't sound like there is much to inherit anyway if they are taking out loans to support her. So maybe it's best to just walk away from an inheritance but I would absolutely cut SIL off once FIL is gone.

However, my bigger concern if I were you/DH is how much money FIL has to care for himself. It's one thing to inherit nothing but its another thing for you to have to pay for his medical care because of SIL. That would be the conversation I would be having first.

THIS. If he has to borrow money for SIL, he probably has none left for himself. DH should tell him "Dad, I don't need an inheritance. We're just fine financially. But I don't have enough to support you if you run out of money, and I'm concerned about that happening." Then long awkward silence.

OP here - First, I want to say thank you to all who responded. It gave me perspective.

And thank you for note about executor. DH is named and has power of attorney as “responsible child.”

I led with the above about healthcare cost and long term care with DH. FIL/MILs plan before they gave SIL money was to sell house and buy into a retirement community with progressive care. they no longer have the means to pay for this and need to rethink their own future care.

DH agreed with talking to FIL. He is also going to calmly say no, he does not agree to give SIL his inheritance. Instead, anything ear marked for DH should go in a trust for their grandchild who has SN (our child).

We know there isn’t much money. DH and I hope that a conversation with curb FILs generosity to SIL and think more strategically about the future.

FWIW, SIL is not what was described in the comments. She had two Ivy League degrees. She has no money because she/BIL keep making risky short term investments. Or, decisions that are head scratching like getting buyers remorse on a McMansion and selling it at a loss because “she didn’t like the pool” then getting foreclosed on with the next house when they overcommitted financially. And, got offended when DH nicely suggested she may want to get a job…

I guess it’s not my monkeys, nor my circus.

There is no money. So you can stop talking about your "inheritance" at any time. There is nothing for your husband to agree to and you're not going to get money earmarked for your kid. So plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

This is a really good point. And it puts your DH in a really bad place, which is unfair. But it doesn't sound like there is much to inherit anyway if they are taking out loans to support her. So maybe it's best to just walk away from an inheritance but I would absolutely cut SIL off once FIL is gone.

However, my bigger concern if I were you/DH is how much money FIL has to care for himself. It's one thing to inherit nothing but its another thing for you to have to pay for his medical care because of SIL. That would be the conversation I would be having first.

THIS. If he has to borrow money for SIL, he probably has none left for himself. DH should tell him "Dad, I don't need an inheritance. We're just fine financially. But I don't have enough to support you if you run out of money, and I'm concerned about that happening." Then long awkward silence.

OP here - First, I want to say thank you to all who responded. It gave me perspective.

And thank you for note about executor. DH is named and has power of attorney as “responsible child.”

I led with the above about healthcare cost and long term care with DH. FIL/MILs plan before they gave SIL money was to sell house and buy into a retirement community with progressive care. they no longer have the means to pay for this and need to rethink their own future care.

DH agreed with talking to FIL. He is also going to calmly say no, he does not agree to give SIL his inheritance. Instead, anything ear marked for DH should go in a trust for their grandchild who has SN (our child).

We know there isn’t much money. DH and I hope that a conversation with curb FILs generosity to SIL and think more strategically about the future.

FWIW, SIL is not what was described in the comments. She had two Ivy League degrees. She has no money because she/BIL keep making risky short term investments. Or, decisions that are head scratching like getting buyers remorse on a McMansion and selling it at a loss because “she didn’t like the pool” then getting foreclosed on with the next house when they overcommitted financially. And, got offended when DH nicely suggested she may want to get a job…

I guess it’s not my monkeys, nor my circus.

There is no money. So you can stop talking about your "inheritance" at any time. There is nothing for your husband to agree to and you're not going to get money earmarked for your kid. So plan accordingly.

+1. Expect to get nothing and give nothing that you will need for you and your child.

[Anonymous]

I had this happen in my family and my brother ended up sucking them dry. Me, my other siblings, their children and my SN child will never get a penny. It isn't about the money but it sure would be nice to have because my child's needs get more expensive every year and we are retiring soon for health reasons. Agree that there will not be an inheritance but you are entitled to be resentful. There's no point in talking to your FIL.

[Anonymous]

If your DH wants your input (and mine would) I would suggest FIL structure the inheritance so SILs portion is in trust, not disinherit DH/ your kids.

If he does not want you input, you need to make sure that if *you* receive an inheritance you don’t commingle it with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

+1 I'm not going to pretend this dynamic wouldn't p*ss me off, because it definitely would, but you cannot insert yourself. You can have a conversation with DH about how FIL's enabling is not helping SIL, and you do not want to be her enabler once FIL is gone, but the inheritance question itself is beyond you and you should treat it as such.

Yes all of this.

OP, we have a similar situation. SIL takes takes takes and my DH has always been self sufficient. As such, his parents have given tens of thousands of dollars to his sister over the years and nothing to him. Occasionally I feel pretty angry about how they treat him, even outside of money. They often act like he's an idiot when he is the one who has always supported himself.

But. I put that aside. His parents don't have a ton of money, and they will most likely leave SIL and her kid much more than they leave my DH and his kids. That part I can make my peace with, though it feels unfair to be punished for being responsible. It's not life changing money in any world. BUT: the one line I have repeated over and over and over is that once his parents are gone, and the money is spent (she will spend every dime within a few years) it ends there. I will not give her money down an endless pit. My DH agrees with me, so that's the end of it for us until this all plays out.

I do think about how his sister will probably shift and start asking for support from her child in the coming years, but that's also not my problem.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to tactfully remind ILs to make solid provisions for their own care because you will not be able to assist with a SN child and SIL will obviously not be contributing. He needs to ensure that they cannot take on any more debt for her. Honestly, I think it’s time they sit with a lawyer to get things lined up. Your FIL needs some financial and legal guardrails set up to protect him from his own generosity. He’s bleeding himself dry out of emotion and it’s clear he feels guilt. Having a lawyer to “blame” for tying up access to the money might be the excuse that helps him learn to say no to SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they had to take out a loan to help,daughter there can’t be much money left.

The father would be foolish to hand over everything he will have left to someone who can’t handle money.

I don’t blame the sil getting upset on her husband’s behalf. He sees his sister take everything after a life of freeloading. Who likes to see that rewarded?

Well, who has rewarded the loser sister for either having shitty parents or shitty genes from her parents? No one wants to be a loser. Most losers were either poorly parented or have underlying mental/ health issues preventing them from being successful.

[Anonymous]

Love of money is the root of all evil.

OP, concentrate on what is best for the relationships here — all of them, and put aside your greed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

This is a really good point. And it puts your DH in a really bad place, which is unfair. But it doesn't sound like there is much to inherit anyway if they are taking out loans to support her. So maybe it's best to just walk away from an inheritance but I would absolutely cut SIL off once FIL is gone.

However, my bigger concern if I were you/DH is how much money FIL has to care for himself. It's one thing to inherit nothing but its another thing for you to have to pay for his medical care because of SIL. That would be the conversation I would be having first.

THIS. If he has to borrow money for SIL, he probably has none left for himself. DH should tell him "Dad, I don't need an inheritance. We're just fine financially. But I don't have enough to support you if you run out of money, and I'm concerned about that happening." Then long awkward silence.

OP here - First, I want to say thank you to all who responded. It gave me perspective.

And thank you for note about executor. DH is named and has power of attorney as “responsible child.”

I led with the above about healthcare cost and long term care with DH. FIL/MILs plan before they gave SIL money was to sell house and buy into a retirement community with progressive care. they no longer have the means to pay for this and need to rethink their own future care.

DH agreed with talking to FIL. He is also going to calmly say no, he does not agree to give SIL his inheritance. Instead, anything ear marked for DH should go in a trust for their grandchild who has SN (our child).

We know there isn’t much money. DH and I hope that a conversation with curb FILs generosity to SIL and think more strategically about the future.

FWIW, SIL is not what was described in the comments. She had two Ivy League degrees. She has no money because she/BIL keep making risky short term investments. Or, decisions that are head scratching like getting buyers remorse on a McMansion and selling it at a loss because “she didn’t like the pool” then getting foreclosed on with the next house when they overcommitted financially. And, got offended when DH nicely suggested she may want to get a job…

I guess it’s not my monkeys, nor my circus.

You can't stop at this!

How did SIL get two Ivy League degrees? Professional degree or humanities grad school?

How is a super elite high income begging poverty to her less wealthy parents?

Why don't FIL/MIL trust DH to be stewards of this super success but somehow role person's finances?

Did SIL go to private high school?
Was she the spoiled pretty golden child that dad bought admissions for before he wasted all his own money on bad financial choices?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL is irresponsible with money and asks her aging parents to bail her out. And they always do, even when they don’t have it to spare. They most recently took out a loan for SIL.

The latest is FIL asked DH to give up his share of whatever is remaining for inheritance to give to SIL because “she has bad credit.” (Think 50/50 to 100/0)

I can’t stop being angry. It’s not the money, it’s the concept.

AITA - I asked DH to say no about giving up inheritance to his sister. I’m also ready to have a conversation with FIL myself.

How would you approach this so it doesn’t seem about the $$?

Tell your DH to stop putting in the strong face, and "confess" that your savings have evaporated due to home repairs and medical challenges and your employer slashing benefits and not giving raises for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL is irresponsible with money and asks her aging parents to bail her out. And they always do, even when they don’t have it to spare. They most recently took out a loan for SIL.

The latest is FIL asked DH to give up his share of whatever is remaining for inheritance to give to SIL because “she has bad credit.” (Think 50/50 to 100/0)

I can’t stop being angry. It’s not the money, it’s the concept.

AITA - I asked DH to say no about giving up inheritance to his sister. I’m also ready to have a conversation with FIL myself.

How would you approach this so it doesn’t seem about the $$?

Tell your DH to stop putting in the strong face, and "confess" that your savings have evaporated due to home repairs and medical challenges and your employer slashing benefits and not giving raises for years.

So misrepresent their financial situation to his father? A man with integrity wouldn't do this. Besides, it doesn't work when you have a needier sibling that has been enabled all her life. FIL doesn't need his son's permission to change his will/trust.