AITA not giving SIL inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advise DH to tell FIL, that it is FIL’s money to due with as he please. Have him also say that when SIL blows through that money, DH will not be responsible for her at all.

Exactly this. The request was hurtful but it is his money.

+2

[Anonymous]

If they had to take out a loan to help,daughter there can’t be much money left.

The father would be foolish to hand over everything he will have left to someone who can’t handle money.

I don’t blame the sil getting upset on her husband’s behalf. He sees his sister take everything after a life of freeloading. Who likes to see that rewarded?

[Anonymous]

He should be honest about his feelings and say no he isn’t happy about this but it’s your money. If you wish to leave everything to the sibling and nothing to his son or grandchildren then that’s their prerogative. He definitely needs to be crystal clear that he can not contribute to your FI.l and MIL care. If he doesn’t then they will simply give SIL whatever they have expecting him to bail them out.

What your FIL and MIL really want is for your husband to offer to be financially responsible for his sister. The manipulative way to achieve this is to make him pay for their care while they divert their savings and assets to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

This is correct. He should be clear with his father that it is his money, to do what he wants to do with it, and if he's feeling guilty about his choice, it's not on DH to absolve him. He has to square that with his own conscience. The money is likely already gone, already promised to the SIL, or on the way to being gone. So, I would want to say my piece and tell him that I think he's making an unfair choice and he has to live with it, and also live with the fact that he did not set his daughter up to be a functional adult, and when she blows through the last of the money, she's truly on her own.

[Anonymous]

I also think he is looking for approval or absolution, not permission.
I think my sister will get the inheritance. I will get the aggravation of being executor or making any final arrangements.
And my parents want to feel ok with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By even asking, your FIL has made his position clear. His priority is your SIL.
Now you (and your Dh) can make your position clear; who/what is your priority? If it were me, it certainly wouldn't be FIL. Has your Dh been helping FIL around the house with minor repairs, errands, etc.? Maybe the SIL should be the one doing that.
Who hosts holiday meals? I certainly wouldn't prioritize hosting FIL, nor attending if he hosts.
In other words, I cut him off. Simple

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

This is a really good point. And it puts your DH in a really bad place, which is unfair. But it doesn't sound like there is much to inherit anyway if they are taking out loans to support her. So maybe it's best to just walk away from an inheritance but I would absolutely cut SIL off once FIL is gone.

However, my bigger concern if I were you/DH is how much money FIL has to care for himself. It's one thing to inherit nothing but its another thing for you to have to pay for his medical care because of SIL. That would be the conversation I would be having first.

THIS. If he has to borrow money for SIL, he probably has none left for himself. DH should tell him "Dad, I don't need an inheritance. We're just fine financially. But I don't have enough to support you if you run out of money, and I'm concerned about that happening." Then long awkward silence.

+1 def the convo to have

[Anonymous]

Your spouse should be having a conversation with his dad about throwing good money after bad. About how he (and you) will not continue down the same path once they have passed.

I'd have him see if his parents can buy her a house or condo, in their name, that will be left to their son but allows sister to live there until her death. That's a plan that makes sense, and doesn't throw good money after bad.

[Anonymous]

It's his money to give unfortunately. DH just needs to let him know if she were to be the lone recipient of the estate, he'd never talk to her again, so that would wipe any future relationship/assistance for her. That could give FIL pause.

[Anonymous]

DW here. None of your business. Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

You can't approach it because it's all about the money, and it's not your money (or your DH) to keep.

[Anonymous]

It’s not an “inheritance” until FIL is dead, people. Until he dies, it’s just…his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

This is a really good point. And it puts your DH in a really bad place, which is unfair. But it doesn't sound like there is much to inherit anyway if they are taking out loans to support her. So maybe it's best to just walk away from an inheritance but I would absolutely cut SIL off once FIL is gone.

However, my bigger concern if I were you/DH is how much money FIL has to care for himself. It's one thing to inherit nothing but its another thing for you to have to pay for his medical care because of SIL. That would be the conversation I would be having first.

THIS. If he has to borrow money for SIL, he probably has none left for himself. DH should tell him "Dad, I don't need an inheritance. We're just fine financially. But I don't have enough to support you if you run out of money, and I'm concerned about that happening." Then long awkward silence.

OP here - First, I want to say thank you to all who responded. It gave me perspective.

And thank you for note about executor. DH is named and has power of attorney as “responsible child.”

I led with the above about healthcare cost and long term care with DH. FIL/MILs plan before they gave SIL money was to sell house and buy into a retirement community with progressive care. they no longer have the means to pay for this and need to rethink their own future care.

DH agreed with talking to FIL. He is also going to calmly say no, he does not agree to give SIL his inheritance. Instead, anything ear marked for DH should go in a trust for their grandchild who has SN (our child).

We know there isn’t much money. DH and I hope that a conversation with curb FILs generosity to SIL and think more strategically about the future.

FWIW, SIL is not what was described in the comments. She had two Ivy League degrees. She has no money because she/BIL keep making risky short term investments. Or, decisions that are head scratching like getting buyers remorse on a McMansion and selling it at a loss because “she didn’t like the pool” then getting foreclosed on with the next house when they overcommitted financially. And, got offended when DH nicely suggested she may want to get a job…

I guess it’s not my monkeys, nor my circus.

[Anonymous]

I have bad news for you -- it's their money and they get to decide how they spend it and who gets it when they pass.

Life isn't fair.

If you are counting on this windfall for retirement, you should start planning to not have it and make alternate arrangements.