AITA not giving SIL inheritance

[Anonymous]

A trust sounds like a terrible idea. As executor, would this make DH responsible for his sister?

It's frustrating and unfair but let FIL do whatever he wants with this money, even if that includes giving the cash to the SIL. Maybe DH can have the property. Then, DH can wash his hands of his sister competely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

+1 I'm not going to pretend this dynamic wouldn't p*ss me off, because it definitely would, but you cannot insert yourself. You can have a conversation with DH about how FIL's enabling is not helping SIL, and you do not want to be her enabler once FIL is gone, but the inheritance question itself is beyond you and you should treat it as such.

[Anonymous]

OP, the money is already gone. If your FIL/MIL die with debts, those will be paid off from assets before there is any inheritance.

I would focus on being crystal clear with your DH that you aren't willing to support SIL financially at all. Get your own ducks in a row by tying up money in your retirement accounts, house, and 529s so it'll be harder to access. And you can look into what social programs are available for her.

[Anonymous]

Oh this would make me angry, and we're definitely very financially comfortable, so not about the money. I understand it's the FIL's money but yikes.

[Anonymous]

By even asking, your FIL has made his position clear. His priority is your SIL.
Now you (and your Dh) can make your position clear; who/what is your priority? If it were me, it certainly wouldn't be FIL. Has your Dh been helping FIL around the house with minor repairs, errands, etc.? Maybe the SIL should be the one doing that.
Who hosts holiday meals? I certainly wouldn't prioritize hosting FIL, nor attending if he hosts.
In other words, I cut him off. Simple

[Anonymous]

I can relate in that I have a sister who makes far more than I do but is incredibly irresponsible with money and volatile, chaotic and spiteful so she gets into legal disputes. I also have another relative who lives large and has decided to become extra close to my aging mother. Mom will be rewarding both and giving us less if anything. She didn't earn the money-my late father did and she is going against his wishes.Of course I suspect my sister will end up suing the relative who suddenly became close to get even more money. So at least I will be able to stay out of that mess.

You cannot let these things eat you alive. Highly dysfunctional people will be highly dysfunctional even until and after the grave.

It sounds like it is not a done deal. If your husband is offended, he can calmly let them know, but you cannot tell him what to do.

However, I would figure out boundaries with him that may impact you. I would make sure you are both on the same page about not ever giving a financial handout to the sister and you need to figure out your boundaries with helping the parents. The sister should do far more, but even if she doesn't, it does not mean your husband takes on more to the detriment of your family. They can use some of the money to hire people which means less money for the sister to blow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By even asking, your FIL has made his position clear. His priority is your SIL.
Now you (and your Dh) can make your position clear; who/what is your priority? If it were me, it certainly wouldn't be FIL. Has your Dh been helping FIL around the house with minor repairs, errands, etc.? Maybe the SIL should be the one doing that.
Who hosts holiday meals? I certainly wouldn't prioritize hosting FIL, nor attending if he hosts.
In other words, I cut him off. Simple

Yep. I've been in similar situation with a much older brother.
Bye bye. Never looked back or had 2nd thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the money is already gone. If your FIL/MIL die with debts, those will be paid off from assets before there is any inheritance.

I would focus on being crystal clear with your DH that you aren't willing to support SIL financially at all. Get your own ducks in a row by tying up money in your retirement accounts, house, and 529s so it'll be harder to access. And you can look into what social programs are available for her.

I agree that the money is gone. The fil was likely asking as a courtesy/notice but op's dh's refusal is not likely to stop fil from helping out the sil in need. He probably called after giving it to her. This is sad because it is their own money and they should not be checking in with one child if it's OK to give to the other BUT I see how zero inheritance is quite an unfair blow given the help they've given to the sibling. I would not count on anything and protect yourselves from sil's eventual money requests because they will come.

[Anonymous]

If they have to take out a loan, they don't have anything for you to inherit. Whatever is left will pay off the loan. There's nothing to discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advise DH to tell FIL, that it is FIL’s money to due with as he please. Have him also say that when SIL blows through that money, DH will not be responsible for her at all.

Exactly this. The request was hurtful but it is his money.

+1. Best answer.

[Anonymous]

I know mentally ill people who are irresponsible with money, whose siblings pay their bills. So the money is not wasted on something frivolous, it goes to pay for shelter, food, and urgent medical care.

I also know a man with autism for whom his family set up a trust. He spends irresponsibly out of his trust, but is high-functioning enough to have some independence and deal with the consequences.

So, OP, you can suggest your husband say this to his father.

But the reality is that your SIL is not functional, for whatever reason, and needs more support. Instead of feeling it's unfair, you should feel lucky that you have a functional husband, who can pay his own way. What's unfair is being born with a handicap, physical or mental.

[Anonymous]

I had an Uncle who had a brutal childhood illness that required a long period of quarantine and was never quite right. He never held a full time job and lived off part time janitorial work, government assistance, and gifts from his dad. He would often ask his siblings for money as well. Was he capable of supporting himself, or was his a selfish sponge? I don’t think he was capable but l was a young kid. My mom was super mad that my did would send him money. They were penny pinching themselves. These are tough situations and not black and white.

I do think it should be 100% up to your FIL what he decides to do, just support he and your husband as they try to determine the best course. Maybe your SIL would qualify for more benefits if FIL stopped bailing her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

This is a really good point. And it puts your DH in a really bad place, which is unfair. But it doesn't sound like there is much to inherit anyway if they are taking out loans to support her. So maybe it's best to just walk away from an inheritance but I would absolutely cut SIL off once FIL is gone.

However, my bigger concern if I were you/DH is how much money FIL has to care for himself. It's one thing to inherit nothing but its another thing for you to have to pay for his medical care because of SIL. That would be the conversation I would be having first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now.

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.

This is a really good point. And it puts your DH in a really bad place, which is unfair. But it doesn't sound like there is much to inherit anyway if they are taking out loans to support her. So maybe it's best to just walk away from an inheritance but I would absolutely cut SIL off once FIL is gone.

However, my bigger concern if I were you/DH is how much money FIL has to care for himself. It's one thing to inherit nothing but its another thing for you to have to pay for his medical care because of SIL. That would be the conversation I would be having first.

THIS. If he has to borrow money for SIL, he probably has none left for himself. DH should tell him "Dad, I don't need an inheritance. We're just fine financially. But I don't have enough to support you if you run out of money, and I'm concerned about that happening." Then long awkward silence.