When To Say Something To New Coach About Starting

[Anonymous]

I have to admit as both a college athlete and former coach that the self-proclaimed former athletes and coaches are the worst parents to deal with. They have strong opinions and struggle with objectivity. Even if their kid is playing all the time, they don't like the shape or style of play or have some other complaint. I'd try to be as positive as you can and encourage your daughter to say something if she specifically brings it up as a problem in the spring.

The other thing you need to be careful about is directly undermining the coach with your daughter. Saying they don't know what they are doing or bashing their decisions will only confuse and upset her. She is trying to adapt to a new team and do the best she can, which is never easy (even if you are good). Giving people the benefit of the doubt in what you communicate to your kids is important far beyond youth sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on this post, the coach probably already knows this bothers you and might just intentionally see how long you can handle it.

They may also think you and/or your daughter are not a great fit and could be fine with you leaving too. If there are distractions, sometimes you get better via subtraction, even when talent level is high.

Obvious troll post.

I don't think this is a troll post. The coach could have easily figured out there is a whiny parent who may not be worth dealing with. The former players who are very competitive and claim to know everything can be the worst to deal with. OP has basically identified themselves in this way in a couple of posts! Why rock the boat with the long-term structure of the group if the team is fine without the player too. You just keep doing what you are doing as the coach and see if the kid and family adapt. If not, the parent will have an outburst and/or leave, which you are fine with. It is far better than changing everything for a player who isn't the best at their choice position only to have additional problems with that parent and others anyway.

Parents can hurt playing time and situations a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to admit as both a college athlete and former coach that the self-proclaimed former athletes and coaches are the worst parents to deal with. They have strong opinions and struggle with objectivity. Even if their kid is playing all the time, they don't like the shape or style of play or have some other complaint. I'd try to be as positive as you can and encourage your daughter to say something if she specifically brings it up as a problem in the spring.

The other thing you need to be careful about is directly undermining the coach with your daughter. Saying they don't know what they are doing or bashing their decisions will only confuse and upset her. She is trying to adapt to a new team and do the best she can, which is never easy (even if you are good). Giving people the benefit of the doubt in what you communicate to your kids is important far beyond youth sports.

I appreciate this post so much. There is Deff the problem of I’ll notice every mistake etc. I will watch my approach and try to be patient.

[Anonymous]

Jeeze people, let the guy ask his questions, and take his information at face value.

"Starting" is often a measure of a player's worth/value by a coach, so it's not surprising that the OP and his daughter are concerned that the coach isn't starting her. There are two possibilities:

1) The coach doesn't think she's as good as the OP/daughter does
2) The coach doesn't "start" players based on skill. (He may base it on seniority, tactics, the alphabet - who knows.)

OP - Your daughter needs to find out if #2 is right, and then, from there, find out if #1 is correct. But the key here is that it needs to COME FROM HER. She needs to communicate with him and figure out what's going on. If she's nervous about speaking to him 1v1 about this, she should practice with you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeeze people, let the guy ask his questions, and take his information at face value.

"Starting" is often a measure of a player's worth/value by a coach, so it's not surprising that the OP and his daughter are concerned that the coach isn't starting her. There are two possibilities:

1) The coach doesn't think she's as good as the OP/daughter does
2) The coach doesn't "start" players based on skill. (He may base it on seniority, tactics, the alphabet - who knows.)

OP - Your daughter needs to find out if #2 is right, and then, from there, find out if #1 is correct. But the key here is that it needs to COME FROM HER. She needs to communicate with him and figure out what's going on. If she's nervous about speaking to him 1v1 about this, she should practice with you, OP.

The internet can be rough ty for responding !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 12. Similar situation. We have encouraged her to talk to the coach. She is old enough to start advocating for herself. If you need to be there to support her, then you could be. But the girls need to start at this age asking for direction from the coach.
My son at 13 just did this, and it was a huge step. Got some great feedback. Encourage her to do it if it is important to her. If it is just important to you, then that may be a sign not to approach the coach about it until end of Fall season. IMO always a good idea to talk after each season with coach.

We are both a bit hot headed, she is PISSED because she destroys the kids at practice.

Soccer Dad, I really hope you haven’t encouraged that kind of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever consider the coach values team players and team culture more than winning soccer games? I know, shocking. This is, after all, 9v9 uLittles and I’d like to think there are coaches out there who are about more than just winning at that age. Maybe your daughter and her anger and domination of her teammates in practice has made for a bad team dynamic and he doesn’t want to reward that behavior.

[Anonymous]

It goes to show no matter how good your kid is and how good the team is, there is always an issue to overthink. Not to minimize what OP is saying, I'm sure there are legitimate concerns but maybe a step back would help provide some clarity. Everyone overthinks this stuff from the parents who have top players, middle players, and those with bottom players. Just let them play and go run an errand during practice and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

I think it is silly to worry about whether someone is a starter or not, unless not being a starter means they get little to no playing time. My kids have all spent time starting and not starting, but I know they are valued players because when the teams are tied or down by a goal and a win is needed, they are the players on the field that the coach is relying on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeeze people, let the guy ask his questions, and take his information at face value.

"Starting" is often a measure of a player's worth/value by a coach, so it's not surprising that the OP and his daughter are concerned that the coach isn't starting her. There are two possibilities:

1) The coach doesn't think she's as good as the OP/daughter does
2) The coach doesn't "start" players based on skill. (He may base it on seniority, tactics, the alphabet - who knows.)

OP - Your daughter needs to find out if #2 is right, and then, from there, find out if #1 is correct. But the key here is that it needs to COME FROM HER. She needs to communicate with him and figure out what's going on. If she's nervous about speaking to him 1v1 about this, she should practice with you, OP.

I agree with this assessment and I'm here to commiserate, OP. DC is in the same situation, plus DC is also not getting enough playing time. DC has scored more goals than anyone on the team based on the amount of time in the game and is the second-top scorer overall. DC very clearly told us not to interfere. DC wants to let it play out this year and then tryout elsewhere next year, which is unfortunate because the practices are really good with this club.

[Anonymous]

So - a kid new to the team may not yet know or be comfortable with the club’s or coach’s style of play and tactics emphasis.

The reality of youth soccer is that every team - even the best mlsnext or ECNL teams have weaker players. Those kids have to play somewhere. And, it is not that they are bad. It is just that they are not as good. Your strongest youth players are going to be up the middle. Center D, center mids, and starting forward. Your weakest players are going to play forward of the bench. You may or may not score, but you won’t directly cost goals. Got a decent player who doesn’t know what the f…. he is doing yet? Put him/her on the wing. Maybe something good will happen and maybe not. Learn the system the team is playing - get more time in more responsible positions. Next year the roster expands so work hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your DD getting sufficient playing time (more than the other wingers, for example)? If she is, it could simply be that the coach is doing this for tactical reasons, like sandbagging the other team and then bringing the ace in off the bench to keep the opponent off balance and put them on their heels just as they think they have sized up your DD's team and teammates. Many higher level coaches spend the first 10 minutes watching the other team to probe for weaknesses and will keep some strong players on the bench so they can then put them in and implement a tacitcal maneuver with their strongest pieces.

I agree with others that, if it bothers your DD, she should take initiative to ask the coach, what would it take for me to become a starter? Coaches usually appreciate that the most when the players advocate for themselves. I think it would be well within your bounds to give the coach a heads up, "Hi, my daughter might ask to talk to you at practice today about something." The coach can then try to make extra eye contact etc with your DD or afterwards even prompt the converation with, "Hey, DD, how's it going? How are you feeling?"

I agree with this first paragraph. My ds is u13 and went from starter to bench and starting around minute 18-20. Then he plays the remaining of the first 35 minutes and all 2nd half. He was very disappointed but I think the coach is bringing him in when the energy starts to drop from the kid in his position. 45-50 /70 minutes in full field is not bad.

[Anonymous]

Does the coach know your daughter’s former coach? Does the former coach know why you left the team? Does the new coach know? Maybe since you had problems in the past with the other team being over reliant on your daughter the new coach is going in a different direction. Your daughter still gets sufficient playing time but she is now apart of the supporting cast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to admit as both a college athlete and former coach that the self-proclaimed former athletes and coaches are the worst parents to deal with. They have strong opinions and struggle with objectivity. Even if their kid is playing all the time, they don't like the shape or style of play or have some other complaint. I'd try to be as positive as you can and encourage your daughter to say something if she specifically brings it up as a problem in the spring.

The other thing you need to be careful about is directly undermining the coach with your daughter. Saying they don't know what they are doing or bashing their decisions will only confuse and upset her. She is trying to adapt to a new team and do the best she can, which is never easy (even if you are good). Giving people the benefit of the doubt in what you communicate to your kids is important far beyond youth sports.

This is really good advice we should all remember. When our kids are part of a team, their coach is the leader and as part of the team they have to learn to adapt and follow the coach’s lead. We may question or disagree with certain decisions from the coach—and talking about those difference of opinion with your child in a calm, respectful, and HUMBLE way (none of us are Jose Mourinho here)—is fine, and can be part of a child’s learning, but avoid doing it in a way that undermines the coach or creates a confusing “dual-loyalty” mentality in your kid, where he’s always second-guessing everything the coach does and looking over at you on the metaphorical sideline for your take.

Let them play and learn; sprinkle some of your own advice and knowledge in where you can; and above all keep it fun. At the heart of it all, no kid who doesn’t LOVE the beautiful game is going to reach his potential as a player.

[Anonymous]

Figured I would give an update on Mia Hamm (sarcastic reply I found hilarious). Appreciate all who have advice and quality feedbacks, I am also amazed at how many people judged my entire existence as a person based on a paragraph or two of text.

So to update I decided to follow advice from here, I would say NOTHING for the entire fall season and see how things play out. I would then directly after speak to coach & be prepared to leave.

It looks like the discussion will not need to happen. We had our two biggest games of the season, one against a rival who usually beats us (before my time with team).

I had the feeling they would need Mia Hamm against these teams and shocker but Mia started and played the entirety of both games. Won a very close game against the bitter rival.

I think now it was a case of easing her into the system, and being conscious of those who were on the team earlier. I am glad that i was given advice on being patient and not immediately reacting and causing a problem. Appreciate all who talked me off the edge as I can be a bit hot headed.