Friend who ignored DD for several years showed up again, how would you guide your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you completely lost me when you said a friend that moved away and eventually got busy was ignoring your child, and then talked about your daughter texting the girl's adult parents for hangouts? What on earth is going on here.

Really? You’re confused? The girl moved when she was in 4th grade. Most kids do not have phones that young. Of course it would have been OP texting the girl’s parents for play dates.

This isn’t hard.

Apparently, it is for you:
"DD would send texts to Sally's mom and dad asking to meet up with Sally, several times these went unanswered"

OP didn't send the texts. Her child did.
OP is very off the mark by brining the fact that the other child had moved away and lost touch into this, at all.

Are you people (collectively, not necessarily the PP) really saying you've never been texted by your child's friends? Especially when they were younger? And especially if you had close connections (neighbors you saw a lot, family friends, etc.)? Weird if so.

OP here. Just clarifying:

We are neighbors. Sally and DD went to the same elementary school. Sally switched schools in 4th grade, but we continued to be neighbors. They are in different middle schools now.
After Sally moved to a different school, her interactions with DD reduced drastically. DD would use my phone to text Sally's parents to see if Sally could hang out. These texts many times went unanswered, or we would hear by back that Sally is busy and will write back (she never did).

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you completely lost me when you said a friend that moved away and eventually got busy was ignoring your child, and then talked about your daughter texting the girl's adult parents for hangouts? What on earth is going on here.

Really? You’re confused? The girl moved when she was in 4th grade. Most kids do not have phones that young. Of course it would have been OP texting the girl’s parents for play dates.

This isn’t hard.

Apparently, it is for you:
"DD would send texts to Sally's mom and dad asking to meet up with Sally, several times these went unanswered"

OP didn't send the texts. Her child did.
OP is very off the mark by brining the fact that the other child had moved away and lost touch into this, at all.

Are you people (collectively, not necessarily the PP) really saying you've never been texted by your child's friends? Especially when they were younger? And especially if you had close connections (neighbors you saw a lot, family friends, etc.)? Weird if so.

OP here. Just clarifying:

We are neighbors. Sally and DD went to the same elementary school. Sally switched schools in 4th grade, but we continued to be neighbors. They are in different middle schools now.
After Sally moved to a different school, her interactions with DD reduced drastically. DD would use my phone to text Sally's parents to see if Sally could hang out. These texts many times went unanswered, or we would hear by back that Sally is busy and will write back (she never did).

I hope that helps.

Why did you have your daughter text? I think it's ok for kids to text each other but a kid texting the parent is kind of odd. I wouldn't want my kids' friends texting me. In 4th grade the kids make the plans and then the parents confirm. If your girls didn't see each other, and you are neighbors why didn't your daughter just knock on the door? Or ask you to text the parents? It should be parent:parent or kid:kid.

[Anonymous]

Has your daughter asked for your advice or guidance? If so, my advice would be to be friendly but cautious and hang out some if she wanted, but not all day every weekend.

[Anonymous]

After Sally moved to a different school, her interactions with DD reduced drastically. DD would use my phone to text Sally's parents to see if Sally could hang out. These texts many times went unanswered, or we would hear by back that Sally is busy and will write back (she never did).

Just for future going forward, that is odd. I would be annoyed if a parent let their child text me, I would prefer that the parent do it or that the kids coordinate themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you completely lost me when you said a friend that moved away and eventually got busy was ignoring your child, and then talked about your daughter texting the girl's adult parents for hangouts? What on earth is going on here.

Really? You’re confused? The girl moved when she was in 4th grade. Most kids do not have phones that young. Of course it would have been OP texting the girl’s parents for play dates.

This isn’t hard.

Apparently, it is for you:
"DD would send texts to Sally's mom and dad asking to meet up with Sally, several times these went unanswered"

OP didn't send the texts. Her child did.
OP is very off the mark by brining the fact that the other child had moved away and lost touch into this, at all.

Are you people (collectively, not necessarily the PP) really saying you've never been texted by your child's friends? Especially when they were younger? And especially if you had close connections (neighbors you saw a lot, family friends, etc.)? Weird if so.

OP here. Just clarifying:

We are neighbors. Sally and DD went to the same elementary school. Sally switched schools in 4th grade, but we continued to be neighbors. They are in different middle schools now.
After Sally moved to a different school, her interactions with DD reduced drastically. DD would use my phone to text Sally's parents to see if Sally could hang out. These texts many times went unanswered, or we would hear by back that Sally is busy and will write back (she never did).

I hope that helps.

Why did you have your daughter text? I think it's ok for kids to text each other but a kid texting the parent is kind of odd. I wouldn't want my kids' friends texting me. In 4th grade the kids make the plans and then the parents confirm. If your girls didn't see each other, and you are neighbors why didn't your daughter just knock on the door? Or ask you to text the parents? It should be parent:parent or kid:kid.

DD did try going by as well. In addition she texted. Anyway, the bigger point I am trying to make is DD really tried to get in touch with Sally. It was Sally's conscious or unconscious choice to no engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

After Sally moved to a different school, her interactions with DD reduced drastically. DD would use my phone to text Sally's parents to see if Sally could hang out. These texts many times went unanswered, or we would hear by back that Sally is busy and will write back (she never did).

Just for future going forward, that is odd. I would be annoyed if a parent let their child text me, I would prefer that the parent do it or that the kids coordinate themselves.

That was just our convention when the kids hung out in elementary school. I would get texts for DD on my phone from Sally too. I would respect any parent's wishes who didn't want that but neither set of parents in this case found that inconvenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your daughter asked for your advice or guidance? If so, my advice would be to be friendly but cautious and hang out some if she wanted, but not all day every weekend.

She told me she is confused and asked what I would do.

Your advise is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you completely lost me when you said a friend that moved away and eventually got busy was ignoring your child, and then talked about your daughter texting the girl's adult parents for hangouts? What on earth is going on here.

Really? You’re confused? The girl moved when she was in 4th grade. Most kids do not have phones that young. Of course it would have been OP texting the girl’s parents for play dates.

This isn’t hard.

Apparently, it is for you:
"DD would send texts to Sally's mom and dad asking to meet up with Sally, several times these went unanswered"

OP didn't send the texts. Her child did.
OP is very off the mark by brining the fact that the other child had moved away and lost touch into this, at all.

Are you people (collectively, not necessarily the PP) really saying you've never been texted by your child's friends? Especially when they were younger? And especially if you had close connections (neighbors you saw a lot, family friends, etc.)? Weird if so.

OP here. Just clarifying:

We are neighbors. Sally and DD went to the same elementary school. Sally switched schools in 4th grade, but we continued to be neighbors. They are in different middle schools now.
After Sally moved to a different school, her interactions with DD reduced drastically. DD would use my phone to text Sally's parents to see if Sally could hang out. These texts many times went unanswered, or we would hear by back that Sally is busy and will write back (she never did).

I hope that helps.

Why did you have your daughter text? I think it's ok for kids to text each other but a kid texting the parent is kind of odd. I wouldn't want my kids' friends texting me. In 4th grade the kids make the plans and then the parents confirm. If your girls didn't see each other, and you are neighbors why didn't your daughter just knock on the door? Or ask you to text the parents? It should be parent:parent or kid:kid.

DD did try going by as well. In addition she texted. Anyway, the bigger point I am trying to make is DD really tried to get in touch with Sally. It was Sally's conscious or unconscious choice to no engage.

Yeah but you're making so much more of this than you should. It doesn't matter if she was six feet away. She was going to a different school. It's completely normal to get caught up in your new friend group and activities. That's basically what you said happened, yet you are calling it ignoring and making it seem like it's a red flag for today. It may be a red flag that her current group blew up and now she's going back to your daughter, but you need to leave this "moving away and ignoring" in 4th grade narrative behind. Maybe your daughter didn't have a solid friend group aside from this girl. That is not the girl's fault. The girl has every right to acclimate to her new surroundings and thrive.

It sounds like even her parents did respond sometimes and we're kind of trying, but life gets busy. It just makes you look a little crazy that you're not doing more to acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your daughter asked for your advice or guidance? If so, my advice would be to be friendly but cautious and hang out some if she wanted, but not all day every weekend.

+1 Exactly. Friendly but cautious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you completely lost me when you said a friend that moved away and eventually got busy was ignoring your child, and then talked about your daughter texting the girl's adult parents for hangouts? What on earth is going on here.

Really? You’re confused? The girl moved when she was in 4th grade. Most kids do not have phones that young. Of course it would have been OP texting the girl’s parents for play dates.

This isn’t hard.

Apparently, it is for you:
"DD would send texts to Sally's mom and dad asking to meet up with Sally, several times these went unanswered"

OP didn't send the texts. Her child did.
OP is very off the mark by brining the fact that the other child had moved away and lost touch into this, at all.

Are you people (collectively, not necessarily the PP) really saying you've never been texted by your child's friends? Especially when they were younger? And especially if you had close connections (neighbors you saw a lot, family friends, etc.)? Weird if so.

OP here. Just clarifying:

We are neighbors. Sally and DD went to the same elementary school. Sally switched schools in 4th grade, but we continued to be neighbors. They are in different middle schools now.
After Sally moved to a different school, her interactions with DD reduced drastically. DD would use my phone to text Sally's parents to see if Sally could hang out. These texts many times went unanswered, or we would hear by back that Sally is busy and will write back (she never did).

I hope that helps.

Why did you have your daughter text? I think it's ok for kids to text each other but a kid texting the parent is kind of odd. I wouldn't want my kids' friends texting me. In 4th grade the kids make the plans and then the parents confirm. If your girls didn't see each other, and you are neighbors why didn't your daughter just knock on the door? Or ask you to text the parents? It should be parent:parent or kid:kid.

DD did try going by as well. In addition she texted. Anyway, the bigger point I am trying to make is DD really tried to get in touch with Sally. It was Sally's conscious or unconscious choice to no engage.

Yeah but you're making so much more of this than you should. It doesn't matter if she was six feet away. She was going to a different school. It's completely normal to get caught up in your new friend group and activities. That's basically what you said happened, yet you are calling it ignoring and making it seem like it's a red flag for today. It may be a red flag that her current group blew up and now she's going back to your daughter, but you need to leave this "moving away and ignoring" in 4th grade narrative behind. Maybe your daughter didn't have a solid friend group aside from this girl. That is not the girl's fault. The girl has every right to acclimate to her new surroundings and thrive.

It sounds like even her parents did respond sometimes and we're kind of trying, but life gets busy. It just makes you look a little crazy that you're not doing more to acknowledge that.

As I said in my original post:
"DD would send texts to Sally's mom and dad asking to meet up with Sally, several times these went unanswered. I told DD this is normal, people change as they get older, they develop different hobbies and interests."

I am asking for guidance on how to handle the latest situation. No one is looking to place blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your daughter asked for your advice or guidance? If so, my advice would be to be friendly but cautious and hang out some if she wanted, but not all day every weekend.

+1 Exactly. Friendly but cautious.

"Friendly but cautious" is good advise.

[Anonymous]

Whatever Sally's intent was - she got busy, she was trying to settle into a new environment - she did cause hurt. And because of that your DD needs to be cautious as other pps have advised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's great to have friends who live close by to hang out with. Just make sure your daughter realizes that Sally is the type of friend who runs hot and cold. She is hanging out with your daughter because of the falling out at school. If she makes up with the friends from school or she makes a new friend group at school, she may fade out again. You want to make sure your daughter understands that Sally is the type who invests a lot in the current friends du jour and will fade away from others when that happens. If your daughter is willing to enjoy Sally's company while it lasts and will understand when Sally drops her again, then that's okay. But just make sure to prepare your child for this possibility. If she still wants to spend time with Sally while she's in favor, then let her make that choice by herself. Your job as a parent is to prepare your child for the world including interpersonal relationships. Once you've made her aware of the possibilities, then let her make her own choices.

I like most of this advice, but would change the wording. It is a bad idea to call a kid a "type of person who does something." You're talking about elementary schoolers and middle schoolers. Using the term "type" makes it sound like whatever they did is a personality trait set in stone. Most people change a lot over these years of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Whatever Sally's intent was - she got busy, she was trying to settle into a new environment - she did cause hurt. And because of that your DD needs to be cautious as other pps have advised.

OP here. This is a good point. I give Sally and her family my most generous assumptions. But DD was hurt and now confused. I'd like to guide her in being generous with other while drawing healthy boundaries. Easier said than done ofcourse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's great to have friends who live close by to hang out with. Just make sure your daughter realizes that Sally is the type of friend who runs hot and cold. She is hanging out with your daughter because of the falling out at school. If she makes up with the friends from school or she makes a new friend group at school, she may fade out again. You want to make sure your daughter understands that Sally is the type who invests a lot in the current friends du jour and will fade away from others when that happens. If your daughter is willing to enjoy Sally's company while it lasts and will understand when Sally drops her again, then that's okay. But just make sure to prepare your child for this possibility. If she still wants to spend time with Sally while she's in favor, then let her make that choice by herself. Your job as a parent is to prepare your child for the world including interpersonal relationships. Once you've made her aware of the possibilities, then let her make her own choices.

I like most of this advice, but would change the wording. It is a bad idea to call a kid a "type of person who does something." You're talking about elementary schoolers and middle schoolers. Using the term "type" makes it sound like whatever they did is a personality trait set in stone. Most people change a lot over these years of life.

You are very right. We can say that sally's behavior is "hot or cold." Of course one behavior does not define a person forever, let alone a kid.