Friend who ignored DD for several years showed up again, how would you guide your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Knowing that every kid is different, how would you guide your kid in this situation? I had heard that shifting friend circles is a normal part of being a tween/teen but now that it's happening, I feel unprepared.

Is your kid actually asking for guidance, or is she just sharing?

If she's asking for guidance, +1 to telling your DD talking about boundaries. Also, you could talk to your DD about how to introduce Sally to other kids at school. It's an art that this generation isn't so good at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you rather your daughter be the one who gave her one more chance or the one who didn't?

It's a good question. I would want DD to be the kind of person who gives others another chance.

I saw that she was hurt when Sally stopped responding or always said "no" to hanging out. Part of my wants to prepare her for that happening again. I guess I have to accept that friendships comes with vulnerability.

I have a sensitive kid. She wrote for a whole year to friends from K who moved away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she enjoys the company, great. Just make sure she maintains friendships at her school and activities and doesn’t put all her energy into this rebound relationship.

I would definitely give the neighbor another chance, but every day / all weekend seems like a lot.

Sage advise. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Knowing that every kid is different, how would you guide your kid in this situation? I had heard that shifting friend circles is a normal part of being a tween/teen but now that it's happening, I feel unprepared.

Is your kid actually asking for guidance, or is she just sharing?

If she's asking for guidance, +1 to telling your DD talking about boundaries. Also, you could talk to your DD about how to introduce Sally to other kids at school. It's an art that this generation isn't so good at.

I definitely think we need some boundaries with Sally. As I mentioned before this weekend she wanted to be here the whole time, including when DD had a new friend over for a playdate.
They go to different middle schools.

[Anonymous]

It's great to have friends who live close by to hang out with. Just make sure your daughter realizes that Sally is the type of friend who runs hot and cold. She is hanging out with your daughter because of the falling out at school. If she makes up with the friends from school or she makes a new friend group at school, she may fade out again. You want to make sure your daughter understands that Sally is the type who invests a lot in the current friends du jour and will fade away from others when that happens. If your daughter is willing to enjoy Sally's company while it lasts and will understand when Sally drops her again, then that's okay. But just make sure to prepare your child for this possibility. If she still wants to spend time with Sally while she's in favor, then let her make that choice by herself. Your job as a parent is to prepare your child for the world including interpersonal relationships. Once you've made her aware of the possibilities, then let her make her own choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she find a way to express Sally the different ways she feels: glad to be in her company, but confused after her disappearance several years ago?

Or, if not (because that's a conversation many adults would struggle to have), maybe she can see Sally at whatever frequency she feels comfortable with, acknowledging to herself this may change over time?

Some people are fine with that kind of shifting, especially in adolescence, where it's common. When there's lingering hurt, or maybe too much hope that this time will be completely different, it can be tricky. She can go slow, with your support. I'd also make sure she's keeping in touch with her other friends, so that it's not all Sally, all the time.

Thank you for this.
I do think supporting DD in drawing some healthy boundaries with sally is a good idea. This weekend she wanted to be at our place the whole time, including when DD had another friend over for a playdate.

I would make sure your daughter’s meet ups with other friends do not always include Sally- some overlap ok but mot that your daughter now always has a plus 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she find a way to express Sally the different ways she feels: glad to be in her company, but confused after her disappearance several years ago?

Or, if not (because that's a conversation many adults would struggle to have), maybe she can see Sally at whatever frequency she feels comfortable with, acknowledging to herself this may change over time?

Some people are fine with that kind of shifting, especially in adolescence, where it's common. When there's lingering hurt, or maybe too much hope that this time will be completely different, it can be tricky. She can go slow, with your support. I'd also make sure she's keeping in touch with her other friends, so that it's not all Sally, all the time.

Thank you for this.
I do think supporting DD in drawing some healthy boundaries with sally is a good idea. This weekend she wanted to be at our place the whole time, including when DD had another friend over for a playdate.

I would make sure your daughter’s meet ups with other friends do not always include Sally- some overlap ok but mot that your daughter now always has a plus 1.

Yes. Thank you. The whole +1 situation used to happen a lot when the kids were in elementary and Sally was always around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's great to have friends who live close by to hang out with. Just make sure your daughter realizes that Sally is the type of friend who runs hot and cold. She is hanging out with your daughter because of the falling out at school. If she makes up with the friends from school or she makes a new friend group at school, she may fade out again. You want to make sure your daughter understands that Sally is the type who invests a lot in the current friends du jour and will fade away from others when that happens. If your daughter is willing to enjoy Sally's company while it lasts and will understand when Sally drops her again, then that's okay. But just make sure to prepare your child for this possibility. If she still wants to spend time with Sally while she's in favor, then let her make that choice by herself. Your job as a parent is to prepare your child for the world including interpersonal relationships. Once you've made her aware of the possibilities, then let her make her own choices.

#Truth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your DD has multiple friends in multiple groups. Diversify. I think it’s ok that this friendship drifted since it was accompanied by a school change. But don’t put all your eggs in one basket, in case there is more to it and this girl is drama.

This is excellent advice. It should be published and distributed nationally.

[Anonymous]

Really good, constructive advise on this thread in general. I am saving for future reference.

[Anonymous]

Is there something going on at home? Why does she not want to be at home on the weekend?

[Anonymous]

Just make sure that your daughter keeps up on her current friendships, and doesn't put all her friendship eggs in the neighbor girl's basket. Which is good advice regardless, and with the past with this girl as well as the present (having all your friends drop you can be a red flag....) you don't want your daughter to lose current friendships because this girl is monopolizing her until she finds new kids at school to hang out.

Having friends who go to different schools can be advantageous actually, so I would encourage the friendship somewhat. You never know when your own daughter will have school drama and be happy to have someone to hang out with who isn't involved at all.

[Anonymous]

To be fair to Sally, she drifted away in 5th grade. Out of sight out of mind is pretty normal at that age, and they don't often have the mental organization to keep up with multiple friend groups. That gets better by later middle school and definitely by high school, so there may be nothing toxic about this girl at all.

Will they feed to the same high school? My kids seemed to know other kids at other middle schools through sports and mutual friends (or from grade school) and they then met up to go to the same high school, so that was kind of cool to reconnect and have that familiarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Knowing that every kid is different, how would you guide your kid in this situation? I had heard that shifting friend circles is a normal part of being a tween/teen but now that it's happening, I feel unprepared.

Is your kid actually asking for guidance, or is she just sharing?

If she's asking for guidance, +1 to telling your DD talking about boundaries. Also, you could talk to your DD about how to introduce Sally to other kids at school. It's an art that this generation isn't so good at.

I definitely think we need some boundaries with Sally. As I mentioned before this weekend she wanted to be here the whole time, including when DD had a new friend over for a playdate.
They go to different middle schools.

Do you mean you and Sally? Because I think it is time for your daughter to be the one with the boundaries, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Knowing that every kid is different, how would you guide your kid in this situation? I had heard that shifting friend circles is a normal part of being a tween/teen but now that it's happening, I feel unprepared.

Is your kid actually asking for guidance, or is she just sharing?

If she's asking for guidance, +1 to telling your DD talking about boundaries. Also, you could talk to your DD about how to introduce Sally to other kids at school. It's an art that this generation isn't so good at.

I definitely think we need some boundaries with Sally. As I mentioned before this weekend she wanted to be here the whole time, including when DD had a new friend over for a playdate.
They go to different middle schools.

It's not really what' you think.
It's what your daughter thinks.
She's in middle school now, they aren't playdates anymore.
And multiple kids hang out.
If DD was comfortable with her being there it shouldn't be an issue for you. And no you not wanting her to stay because you're upset about 4 th grade is not a valid reason.
You have to separate yourself from your daughter.
While I believe your heart is in the right place.msking her hurts your hurts isn't the way to go.
Her friends are not your friends.
Is she even bothered by the elementary school stuff? Or is that you?
You can advise in a general way but make sure she wants your advice and isn't just relaying.
Anecdotally, in MS I rekindled a friendship with a lost elementary school friend and it was wonderful those 3 years. We went to separate high schools and didn't see each other much but it was great while but lasted.
I also have people I've been friends with from birth that I'm still friends with today.

There's all types of friends that is important for your daughter to learn.
And yes you do want to talk about what makes a good friend but she's in MS you shouldn't choose her friends for her even if it means she gets hurt .