Friend who ignored DD for several years showed up again, how would you guide your kid?

[Anonymous]

DD has a friend in the neighborhood (let's call her sally). Sally and DD have been friends since they were age 4. There were inseparable all through grade 4, and then Sally moved to another school. Soon after that she started coming over less frequently and then stopped altogether - she either had other activities going on, or was busy with her friends from her new school. DD would send texts to Sally's mom and dad asking to meet up with Sally, several times these went unanswered. I told DD this is normal, people change as they get older, they develop different hobbies and interests.

Fast forward a couple years. Both kids are in middle school now. Suddenly Sally wants to come over every day and hang out all weekend. Apparently she has had a major blow out with her MS friend group.

DD clearly enjoys Sally's company but expressed to me that she is confused by this sudden change.

Knowing that every kid is different, how would you guide your kid in this situation? I had heard that shifting friend circles is a normal part of being a tween/teen but now that it's happening, I feel unprepared.

[Anonymous]

Land the helicopter.

[Anonymous]

Make sure your DD has multiple friends in multiple groups. Diversify. I think it’s ok that this friendship drifted since it was accompanied by a school change. But don’t put all your eggs in one basket, in case there is more to it and this girl is drama.

[Anonymous]

Could she find a way to express Sally the different ways she feels: glad to be in her company, but confused after her disappearance several years ago?

Or, if not (because that's a conversation many adults would struggle to have), maybe she can see Sally at whatever frequency she feels comfortable with, acknowledging to herself this may change over time?

Some people are fine with that kind of shifting, especially in adolescence, where it's common. When there's lingering hurt, or maybe too much hope that this time will be completely different, it can be tricky. She can go slow, with your support. I'd also make sure she's keeping in touch with her other friends, so that it's not all Sally, all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your DD has multiple friends in multiple groups. Diversify. I think it’s ok that this friendship drifted since it was accompanied by a school change. But don’t put all your eggs in one basket, in case there is more to it and this girl is drama.

Yep, this is always my main advice to my kids. And normalize that friendships shift. Because it's normal and they do.

Is she enjoying the girl's company? Is the girl nice to her? Then hang out with her for now but not to the exclusion of other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could she find a way to express Sally the different ways she feels: glad to be in her company, but confused after her disappearance several years ago?

Or, if not (because that's a conversation many adults would struggle to have), maybe she can see Sally at whatever frequency she feels comfortable with, acknowledging to herself this may change over time?

Some people are fine with that kind of shifting, especially in adolescence, where it's common. When there's lingering hurt, or maybe too much hope that this time will be completely different, it can be tricky. She can go slow, with your support. I'd also make sure she's keeping in touch with her other friends, so that it's not all Sally, all the time.

Thank you for this.
I do think supporting DD in drawing some healthy boundaries with sally is a good idea. This weekend she wanted to be at our place the whole time, including when DD had another friend over for a playdate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure your DD has multiple friends in multiple groups. Diversify. I think it’s ok that this friendship drifted since it was accompanied by a school change. But don’t put all your eggs in one basket, in case there is more to it and this girl is drama.

Yep, this is always my main advice to my kids. And normalize that friendships shift. Because it's normal and they do.

Is she enjoying the girl's company? Is the girl nice to her? Then hang out with her for now but not to the exclusion of other friends.

No complaints about Sally, other than her current clinginess, which, my most generous assumption is because she is fighting with her school friend group.
DD should support Sally, but, you are right, expect this friendship to shift with time.

[Anonymous]

They did nothing wrong. Forgetting to respond to every text from a kid at another school is not as reprehensible as you think. If you want to stay distant over that, it's your choice but don't act as though they are bad people to be wary of. The friend group drama might give you more pause if Sally is often starting it but middle school is the time they will all be overly dramatic about some situation or another. Do what feels right but don't set an example of blaming and retribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she find a way to express Sally the different ways she feels: glad to be in her company, but confused after her disappearance several years ago?

Or, if not (because that's a conversation many adults would struggle to have), maybe she can see Sally at whatever frequency she feels comfortable with, acknowledging to herself this may change over time?

Some people are fine with that kind of shifting, especially in adolescence, where it's common. When there's lingering hurt, or maybe too much hope that this time will be completely different, it can be tricky. She can go slow, with your support. I'd also make sure she's keeping in touch with her other friends, so that it's not all Sally, all the time.

Thank you for this.
I do think supporting DD in drawing some healthy boundaries with sally is a good idea. This weekend she wanted to be at our place the whole time, including when DD had another friend over for a playdate.

You're welcome. Boundaries are a hard thing to learn, but so important. My DD (12) struggles with some of these shifting friendships, too.

I haven't read it yet, but a friend (who is a child psychologist) recommended this book: https://www.amazon.com/Manage-SOCIAL-POWER-Middle-School/dp/1433838141

DD hasn't read it yet, but we have it and on skimming through, it looks like just the thing for this age group. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They did nothing wrong. Forgetting to respond to every text from a kid at another school is not as reprehensible as you think. If you want to stay distant over that, it's your choice but don't act as though they are bad people to be wary of. The friend group drama might give you more pause if Sally is often starting it but middle school is the time they will all be overly dramatic about some situation or another. Do what feels right but don't set an example of blaming and retribution.

Not the OP: did you miss that it's been *years* since Sally and the OP's DD have hung out? Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries isn't "blaming and retribution."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did nothing wrong. Forgetting to respond to every text from a kid at another school is not as reprehensible as you think. If you want to stay distant over that, it's your choice but don't act as though they are bad people to be wary of. The friend group drama might give you more pause if Sally is often starting it but middle school is the time they will all be overly dramatic about some situation or another. Do what feels right but don't set an example of blaming and retribution.

Not the OP: did you miss that it's been *years* since Sally and the OP's DD have hung out? Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries isn't "blaming and retribution."

The kid was in 4th grade. She moved away. Now they're back to being in the same school. It's not that serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she find a way to express Sally the different ways she feels: glad to be in her company, but confused after her disappearance several years ago?

Or, if not (because that's a conversation many adults would struggle to have), maybe she can see Sally at whatever frequency she feels comfortable with, acknowledging to herself this may change over time?

Some people are fine with that kind of shifting, especially in adolescence, where it's common. When there's lingering hurt, or maybe too much hope that this time will be completely different, it can be tricky. She can go slow, with your support. I'd also make sure she's keeping in touch with her other friends, so that it's not all Sally, all the time.

Thank you for this.
I do think supporting DD in drawing some healthy boundaries with sally is a good idea. This weekend she wanted to be at our place the whole time, including when DD had another friend over for a playdate.

You're welcome. Boundaries are a hard thing to learn, but so important. My DD (12) struggles with some of these shifting friendships, too.

I haven't read it yet, but a friend (who is a child psychologist) recommended this book: https://www.amazon.com/Manage-SOCIAL-POWER-Middle-School/dp/1433838141

DD hasn't read it yet, but we have it and on skimming through, it looks like just the thing for this age group. Hang in there!

Thank you so much. You've been most kind to an unknown stranger on the internet

[Anonymous]

Would you rather your daughter be the one who gave her one more chance or the one who didn't?

[Anonymous]

If she enjoys the company, great. Just make sure she maintains friendships at her school and activities and doesn’t put all her energy into this rebound relationship.

I would definitely give the neighbor another chance, but every day / all weekend seems like a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she find a way to express Sally the different ways she feels: glad to be in her company, but confused after her disappearance several years ago?

Or, if not (because that's a conversation many adults would struggle to have), maybe she can see Sally at whatever frequency she feels comfortable with, acknowledging to herself this may change over time?

Some people are fine with that kind of shifting, especially in adolescence, where it's common. When there's lingering hurt, or maybe too much hope that this time will be completely different, it can be tricky. She can go slow, with your support. I'd also make sure she's keeping in touch with her other friends, so that it's not all Sally, all the time.

Thank you for this.
I do think supporting DD in drawing some healthy boundaries with sally is a good idea. This weekend she wanted to be at our place the whole time, including when DD had another friend over for a playdate.

You're welcome. Boundaries are a hard thing to learn, but so important. My DD (12) struggles with some of these shifting friendships, too.

I haven't read it yet, but a friend (who is a child psychologist) recommended this book: https://www.amazon.com/Manage-SOCIAL-POWER-Middle-School/dp/1433838141

DD hasn't read it yet, but we have it and on skimming through, it looks like just the thing for this age group. Hang in there!

Thank you so much. You've been most kind to an unknown stranger on the internet

Aw, you're welcome! These are tough questions and I try to help when I can.