16 yo son in room all day? Normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely normal.

He’s in there gaming and beating off. Typical for a 16 yo boy.

No, it simply isn't except for oddball kids.

My 16 year old son and his friends all work 20-40 hours per week and hang out together on a regular basis. No one is holed up in their bedrooms.

Stop trying to normalize this behavior.
I'm not trying to be a jerk but it simply isn't typical and it isn't healthy.

Agreed. I think it’s so bizarre so many parents have convinced themselves this is normal and typical. I know a lot of teenagers and they all hang out with friends in real life. Most multiple times a week.

If your teens have a good group of friends and they are getting together in person frequently, consider yourselves lucky. I think that most parents of kids who are spending a lot of time alone at home would love this for their kids, but there’s only so much they can do. I’m not sure any of them are trying to convince themselves that it’s normal and typical across the board, only that it appears normal and typical for the type of kid they have right now. Many of whom who have quite possibly been marginalized by the kids who are getting together all the time, and are trying to figure out how to navigate the social minefield that high school can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only have 1 child, a 16 yo son. He rarely comes from his room other than to eat and say good morning. I would like him to spend some time out of his room other than eating meals. Is this normal? How do you engage a son at this age?

He does volunteer work that he enjoys about 12 hours a week; plays soccer twice a week; has an online tutor; is attending hour long sessions on how to prepare for college (which I signed him up for) so he's not inside and playing games and mindless youtube videos all day. He does not see any friends live, but texts and snapchats them daily too. We watch a show together a few nights a week, at my suggestion.

Will someone please reality check me? What is reasonable?
Do you have expectations that your teen not be in room all day?
If so, what do you expect? How do you engage?

TIA.

OP: Do you realize that you are seeking advice from folks who sit in front of a computer all day on social media platforms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely normal.

He’s in there gaming and beating off. Typical for a 16 yo boy.

No, it simply isn't except for oddball kids.

My 16 year old son and his friends all work 20-40 hours per week and hang out together on a regular basis. No one is holed up in their bedrooms.

Stop trying to normalize this behavior.
I'm not trying to be a jerk but it simply isn't typical and it isn't healthy.

Agreed. I think it’s so bizarre so many parents have convinced themselves this is normal and typical. I know a lot of teenagers and they all hang out with friends in real life. Most multiple times a week.

If your teens have a good group of friends and they are getting together in person frequently, consider yourselves lucky. I think that most parents of kids who are spending a lot of time alone at home would love this for their kids, but there’s only so much they can do. I’m not sure any of them are trying to convince themselves that it’s normal and typical across the board, only that it appears normal and typical for the type of kid they have right now. Many of whom who have quite possibly been marginalized by the kids who are getting together all the time, and are trying to figure out how to navigate the social minefield that high school can be.

That's why I think requiring kids to work at least PT in the summer is important. If they can find summer jobs where other teens work, even better. So they interact with kids their own age but they don't have to be the ones who are making friends. They might make a friend with other teen camp counselors or not but the socializing alone will help even if they don't make friends with their co-workers. It's just good practice. Add in learning all of the other skills that go alone with working- learning how to take direction from a boss, learning time management skills, learning how to budget money, etc. My son sounded like your when he was 14/15 but after three summers of work, he is much more adult like. He gets up on his own, arranges to use the car (mine, he doesn't have one), fills up the car with gas when it is low, goes to work, runs errands for the family after work, saves 1/3 of his earnings in savings, etc. If he had sat in his room playing video games all summer, I doubt he would be as adult like now. He spends his own money on going out with friends, buying clothes, video games, etc.

[Anonymous]

As other have said, it’s normal for him to want independence and do separate from you.

It’s also true that 8-10 hours a day alone in his room isn’t great.

The solution is more things outside the house independent from you. Some do this through jobs, others through volunteering, sports, socializing with friends…lots of options.

I would want to find ways to slowly encourage more of this. Odd jobs in the neighborhood? Running errands for you? Getting pizza with friends (and not parents) after soccer? Ultimately he needs to take responsibility for this, but while he builds new habits you can scaffold.

I know this doesn’t meet your goal of having him spend more time with you, but if you’re already eating meals together, watching a show together, and he’s working for you, that’s a lot of parent time for a 16 year old. If you really want more together time maybe an occasional board game night, but honestly that wouldn’t be my primary goal here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely normal.

He’s in there gaming and beating off. Typical for a 16 yo boy.

No, it simply isn't except for oddball kids.

My 16 year old son and his friends all work 20-40 hours per week and hang out together on a regular basis. No one is holed up in their bedrooms.

Stop trying to normalize this behavior.
I'm not trying to be a jerk but it simply isn't typical and it isn't healthy.

Agreed. I think it’s so bizarre so many parents have convinced themselves this is normal and typical. I know a lot of teenagers and they all hang out with friends in real life. Most multiple times a week.

You clearly don’t get it. We all want our teens hanging out with friends and involved in activities. There isn’t anybody who doesn’t want that for their kid. OObviously all kids aren’t like this for various reasons. It is not atypical for this to be the case. Why is this hard to understand???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely normal.

He’s in there gaming and beating off. Typical for a 16 yo boy.

No, it simply isn't except for oddball kids.

My 16 year old son and his friends all work 20-40 hours per week and hang out together on a regular basis. No one is holed up in their bedrooms.

Stop trying to normalize this behavior.
I'm not trying to be a jerk but it simply isn't typical and it isn't healthy.

Agreed. I think it’s so bizarre so many parents have convinced themselves this is normal and typical. I know a lot of teenagers and they all hang out with friends in real life. Most multiple times a week.

If your teens have a good group of friends and they are getting together in person frequently, consider yourselves lucky. I think that most parents of kids who are spending a lot of time alone at home would love this for their kids, but there’s only so much they can do. I’m not sure any of them are trying to convince themselves that it’s normal and typical across the board, only that it appears normal and typical for the type of kid they have right now. Many of whom who have quite possibly been marginalized by the kids who are getting together all the time, and are trying to figure out how to navigate the social minefield that high school can be.

Thank-you! Some of the smugness on here is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

They aren't going to navigate anything from their bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely normal.

He’s in there gaming and beating off. Typical for a 16 yo boy.

No, it simply isn't except for oddball kids.

My 16 year old son and his friends all work 20-40 hours per week and hang out together on a regular basis. No one is holed up in their bedrooms.

Stop trying to normalize this behavior.
I'm not trying to be a jerk but it simply isn't typical and it isn't healthy.

Agreed. I think it’s so bizarre so many parents have convinced themselves this is normal and typical. I know a lot of teenagers and they all hang out with friends in real life. Most multiple times a week.

You clearly don’t get it. We all want our teens hanging out with friends and involved in activities. There isn’t anybody who doesn’t want that for their kid. OObviously all kids aren’t like this for various reasons. It is not atypical for this to be the case. Why is this hard to understand???

I don’t think you get my point either. The “this is how kids socialize now!” is what I’m referring to. Your response and the one prior are acknowledging that the situation is not ideal, even if you can’t fix it for your kids, so really aren’t what I’m talking about.

I think the parents who have convinced themselves that this is the new normal are in denial - and if you don’t even face this fact - you definitely aren’t going to help make it better.

It’s not about being smug. One of my kids is a lot less social than the other….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They aren't going to navigate anything from their bedroom.

Summer can be a nice respite from drama that kids have no choice but to deal with at school. In just a few weeks, they won’t be able to do this. Life isn’t an epic teen movie for a lot of kids. Friendships ebb and flow. It’s ok to let them decompress for a few weeks, assuming they’re not showing signs of depression, which the OP said they’re not.

[Anonymous]

Seems normal to me. Everyone needs alone time some of the time.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Some of you sound insane. Literally. Arguing among themselves. Typical DCUM.

I’m not even gonna follow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Some of you sound insane. Literally. Arguing among themselves. Typical DCUM.

I’m not even gonna follow up.

Which ones sound insane? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He will come back out around 17 or 18. Their brains are developing in a way that requires downtime/aloneness. Or maybe you could ask him to come out but promise him you won't ask questions or nag him to do stuff.

Uh…. And bodies to be blunt.

[Anonymous]

My 16 year old son works at the pool with other teens/early 20s kids. He also take a summer course at the community college. But he never hangs out with friends. He says he stays in touch online.

He's definitely introverted. I thought the summer job would be a great way to make more friends but not at all. We even live in a walkable/bikeable town and there's a commuter train stop within walking distance to our house.

I'm not so concerned about him staying in his room, but I do think teen years are important
for developing social skills. Many talk of an "epidemic of loneliness" among Americans. If you're not making friends in high school, how will you fare in later years?

[Anonymous]

At least your son is getting up, leaving the house, and being around people even if he isn’t making friends with them. OP’s kid is holed up in his room all day. Not normal.