16 yo son in room all day? Normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only have 1 child, a 16 yo son. He rarely comes from his room other than to eat and say good morning. I would like him to spend some time out of his room other than eating meals. Is this normal? How do you engage a son at this age?

He does volunteer work that he enjoys about 12 hours a week; plays soccer twice a week; has an online tutor; is attending hour long sessions on how to prepare for college (which I signed him up for) so he's not inside and playing games and mindless youtube videos all day. He does not see any friends live, but texts and snapchats them daily too. We watch a show together a few nights a week, at my suggestion.

Will someone please reality check me? What is reasonable?
Do you have expectations that your teen not be in room all day?
If so, what do you expect? How do you engage?

TIA.

16 yr olds are old enough to work. I would not allow any of my kids that age to be in their rooms all day every day. Next summer, I'd expect your son to be working full-time. He will have plenty of time outside of that to relax, hang out with friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

fine.
but no phone or computer (internet) in room

[Anonymous]

I get wanting them out of their room, but what do you want them to do? “Engage” is pretty meaningless.

Mine spend a ton of time in their rooms. But if I start a game of cards with pizza bagels for snacks, they’re all in. If I announce a trip for ice cream, they’re all in. Would they initiate that? Nope. They’d stay in their rooms. Point is that you have to work at it if you want it.

[Anonymous]

Severe depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Severe depression

What? If you’re speaking to OP. There isn’t a thing depressed about my son.

[Anonymous]

OP, you asked if this is normal and then you're arguing with people who say it's not normal or healthy. Clearly you just wanted people to agree that "yes! Spending 10 hours a day along in your room and never seeing friends is great!"

🙄

My 16 year olds (I have twins) each work 30 hours per week. one takes a photography class one night per week, the other is volunteering at a hospital one night per week.

they each see friends in person every Friday and Saturday nights. My son is more social and usually also sees friends 2 additional weeknights and will usually go to the pool or play pick-up sports one weekend day. They're typical teenagers--always on the go, wanting to get out of the house and do things.
We have family dinner 4-5 nights per week so they go out after dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only have 1 child, a 16 yo son. He rarely comes from his room other than to eat and say good morning. I would like him to spend some time out of his room other than eating meals. Is this normal? How do you engage a son at this age?

He does volunteer work that he enjoys about 12 hours a week; plays soccer twice a week; has an online tutor; is attending hour long sessions on how to prepare for college (which I signed him up for) so he's not inside and playing games and mindless youtube videos all day. He does not see any friends live, but texts and snapchats them daily too. We watch a show together a few nights a week, at my suggestion.

Will someone please reality check me? What is reasonable?
Do you have expectations that your teen not be in room all day?
If so, what do you expect? How do you engage?

TIA.

OP, your son who is "in his room all day":
-volunteers 12 hrs/week
-plays soccer twice a week
-has an online tutor
-attends hour-long college prep classes
-watches a show with you multiple times a week

(Sincerely) what would you like him to do?

Let's look at the numbers...
There are 168 hours in a week. Let's say he sleeps for 9 hours per day, so subtract 64 hours per week. We're now at 105 hours of time per week.
- volunteers 12 hours
- soccer 4 or 5 hours ?
- online tutor 3 or 4 hours ?
- college prep classes 1 hour per week ?
- watches some shows with parent 5 hours ?
- eats with family 8 to 10 hours?
So 37 hours of "things" in total. So 105 available hours minus 37 is 68 remaining hours.

Basically, he is in his room for about 10 hours every day. Yeah, that seems concerning to me.

Oh, honey. No. Let's recalculate.
168 hours per week
Sleep 9 hours per day = 63 hours
Volunteering = 12 hours (does this include travel time?)
Soccer = sure, 4-5 hours (do you count travel time to and fro in this equation?)
Online tutor = sure, 3-4 hours
College prep = minimum 1 hour per week, could be more.
Shows with parent = sure, 5 hours per week
Eating with family = sure, 8-10 hours

How about...
Basic hygiene? Showers, bathroom, solo time? Easily 7-10 hours/week
OP came back and said he works for them a few hours per week too = 5 hours?

That brings it down closer to 50 hours per week. Easily less if the commute to volunteering and soccer is further. OP only wants him around to...nag him? FUN. I'd be thrilled to spend time with my parent if all they did was nag me.

OP, here are some ideas:
Ask him to run errands with you/for you.
Ask him to help you cook meals/try new recipes.
Ask him to invite friends over!

Stop nagging him and criticizing that he wants to spend some time solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:fine.
but no phone or computer (internet) in room

That's our rules too. 15 and 17 year olds. They do their work on laptops downstairs (summer assignments/college stuff). No iphones in bathroom either. They keep the laptop and iphone plugged in downstairs.

The number of parents that have told us they have a kid or a kid's friend that had mental health issues first year of college is literally 8 out of 10. All the studies out there point to excessive iphone/online, etc.

We are trying to build healthy habits around electronics and not having a phone glued to their hips.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to invite his friends over. Offer to take them to the movies, Dave & Busters, a theme park… He should be with other kids in person several times a week at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only have 1 child, a 16 yo son. He rarely comes from his room other than to eat and say good morning. I would like him to spend some time out of his room other than eating meals. Is this normal? How do you engage a son at this age?

He does volunteer work that he enjoys about 12 hours a week; plays soccer twice a week; has an online tutor; is attending hour long sessions on how to prepare for college (which I signed him up for) so he's not inside and playing games and mindless youtube videos all day. He does not see any friends live, but texts and snapchats them daily too. We watch a show together a few nights a week, at my suggestion.

Will someone please reality check me? What is reasonable?
Do you have expectations that your teen not be in room all day?
If so, what do you expect? How do you engage?

TIA.

OP, your son who is "in his room all day":
-volunteers 12 hrs/week
-plays soccer twice a week
-has an online tutor
-attends hour-long college prep classes
-watches a show with you multiple times a week

(Sincerely) what would you like him to do?

Let's look at the numbers...
There are 168 hours in a week. Let's say he sleeps for 9 hours per day, so subtract 64 hours per week. We're now at 105 hours of time per week.
- volunteers 12 hours
- soccer 4 or 5 hours ?
- online tutor 3 or 4 hours ?
- college prep classes 1 hour per week ?
- watches some shows with parent 5 hours ?
- eats with family 8 to 10 hours?
So 37 hours of "things" in total. So 105 available hours minus 37 is 68 remaining hours.

Basically, he is in his room for about 10 hours every day. Yeah, that seems concerning to me.

Oh, honey. No. Let's recalculate.
168 hours per week
Sleep 9 hours per day = 63 hours
Volunteering = 12 hours (does this include travel time?)
Soccer = sure, 4-5 hours (do you count travel time to and fro in this equation?)
Online tutor = sure, 3-4 hours
College prep = minimum 1 hour per week, could be more.
Shows with parent = sure, 5 hours per week
Eating with family = sure, 8-10 hours

How about...
Basic hygiene? Showers, bathroom, solo time? Easily 7-10 hours/week
OP came back and said he works for them a few hours per week too = 5 hours?

That brings it down closer to 50 hours per week. Easily less if the commute to volunteering and soccer is further. OP only wants him around to...nag him? FUN. I'd be thrilled to spend time with my parent if all they did was nag me.

OP, here are some ideas:
Ask him to run errands with you/for you.
Ask him to help you cook meals/try new recipes.
Ask him to invite friends over!

Stop nagging him and criticizing that he wants to spend some time solo.

You think her 16-year-old son is spending 1 to 1.5 hours per day on hygiene? I suppose it is possible. So 68 minus 12 (hygiene plus working) is 56. 8 hours per day alone in his room? I still think this is too much. What do you think, OP?

[Anonymous]

I’m trying to picture my parents wondering how to engage their teenagers. I’m laughing because that would’ve never happened. Your son needs a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you asked if this is normal and then you're arguing with people who say it's not normal or healthy. Clearly you just wanted people to agree that "yes! Spending 10 hours a day along in your room and never seeing friends is great!"

🙄

My 16 year olds (I have twins) each work 30 hours per week. one takes a photography class one night per week, the other is volunteering at a hospital one night per week.

they each see friends in person every Friday and Saturday nights. My son is more social and usually also sees friends 2 additional weeknights and will usually go to the pool or play pick-up sports one weekend day. They're typical teenagers--always on the go, wanting to get out of the house and do things.
We have family dinner 4-5 nights per week so they go out after dinner.

I don’t think I’m arguing about anything. I do know my son isn’t depressed if that’s what you’re referring to.

[Anonymous]

Completely normal.

He’s in there gaming and beating off. Typical for a 16 yo boy.

[Anonymous]

I have two older teens and I don’t let them use devices in their rooms. They are almost never in their rooms lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely normal.

He’s in there gaming and beating off. Typical for a 16 yo boy.

No, it simply isn't except for oddball kids.

My 16 year old son and his friends all work 20-40 hours per week and hang out together on a regular basis. No one is holed up in their bedrooms.

Stop trying to normalize this behavior.
I'm not trying to be a jerk but it simply isn't typical and it isn't healthy.