Struggling to keep it together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids, 3 and 6. I love them deeply but parenting them is breaking me. They both have some extra needs but mostly it's the constant whining and crying and inflexibility and needing to do everything for them every second of every day that is making me lose my sh*t. Their ages make them dependent, I get it. But also my 6yo is so stubborn about being "alone" that he fights doing basic things on his own, like get his school clothes. They interrupt all my private time. DP is extremely involved so it's not like I'm doing it all on my own. They feel the same way.

I feel like I am forcing myself to enjoy something I wanted so desperately. I have a therapist and I've tried multiple antidepressants. It feels wrong that I have to medicate myself to enjoy my kids. When they're not here, I'm fine. I don't know what else to do.

I'm sorry. My 11 year old is still dependent for bathing, dressing, being fed. It's awful. It's draining. I'm waiting for it to end, but have resigned myself that me as a person died 11 years ago. I don't exist or my needs. My entire life is work and my child's needs. I don't recreate, vacation, nothing. I cannot wait until she goes to college. It's the only time in my life I have giving me hope life is worth living

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of good advice already. If possible I would:

Use vacation time to get yourself in the right mental state to work on real loving boundary setting and connecting with the kids without your phone.

So you take a week off, rest during the day, really engage with kids one on one, then follow a Janet Lansbury approach. Help them with a lot and stay very connected but also set modest expectations and limits. Then hold the the limits and deal with the reaction. It won’t be pretty but can shift the dynamic. She explains it very well on the podcast. Also, her concept of positive momentum is critical, and it depends on your own mental state.

I’m convinced that MC parents of young kids in the trenches need to allocate their a
vacation days and travel budget to survival/recuperation/household help rather than actual vacations. It’s just so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 6 year old can certainly do things on his own so can the 3 year old. I don't know what their extra needs are but my kids and many friends kids at this age could do things. Getting dressed, getting backpacks together, bringing down laundry etc etc. Getting water, for oneself and the little sibling. Private time in the house with the kids around and awake is impossible for most. Once a week i don't come home from work and work out/shop and have dinner on my own with DH doing everything pickup/bedtime.
It is really hard and takes a lot of effort getting them to be independent but the work is worth it.

Oh he's totally capable. He just refuses and has major tantrums. We lose SO MUCH TIME to these tantrums. I try to stay boundaries but DP and my parents and SIL tell me I'm too rigid and need to lighten up. It's infuriating.

Pick him up and put him in a room,close door and let him scream. If you can't pick him up then everyone else the room and leave him alone. He is too old to be having tantrums and is only having them for getting his own way.. There should be serious consequences for this behavior.

There were five of us growing up and there was never a tantrum. I have three and only one tried to have one tantrum to get her way. I picked her up. Took her home. Put her in bed and there was never another tantrum . I don't care what anyone says, only spoiled brats have tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t doubt that is your family’s experience. Some daycares are better than others, and a female only child with no SN who has parents with enough bandwidth at home may very well not experience dysregulation. But the reality for many is very different. The biting and hitting alone can do a number on some kids while others barely notice.

Similarly, many kids love aftercare. I would still suggest parents of a kid who has been out of the home for 11 hours prioritize downtime and one-on-one time with mom or dad. Or at least acknowledge that it can be a lot when they’re formulating parenting strategies and setting expectations.

Research also shows that the number of hours and length of commute contributes to the experience.

She said kids are in preschool or school from 9-4 or 7 hours so not sure where you got 11 hours from. Most of that is a regular school day for a 6 year old. My child went to full day preschool with plenty of kids with a parent at home from 9-3:30. Lots of families find ways to keep their kids days reasonable without staying at home. I imagine you are looking to justify your choices but maybe keep it to yourself instead of crapping on some one who is struggling.

OP, I do agree with the suggestions for 1:1 time. Even if you hire a mother’s helper to be with one kid. It makes a huge difference to my sensitive older child. I also think that you may want to pick your battles a little. One of my kids has ADHD and getting them out the door without having one of us lose their mind is a really difficult balancing act. For years I did a lot of things they “could” do for themselves for them in the morning. They could and were much more independent other times of the day. They now get themselves ready pretty well. I don’t really care it happened at 8 rather than 6. It was worth it to me to not have a fight every morning before I said goodbye for school. There’s a certain amount of conflict that starts to degrade your relationship with your kids and can have a negative feedback loop as they feel more like they are a bad kid and have no chance of succeeding. There are definitely lots of lines you have to hold, but if there’s some you can let go of, do it. Your relationship with your kids is really important too.

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of really good advice here. I liked what the foster parent said about scaffolding and introducing flexibility/choice. Here’s what helped me handle tantrums with my kids. I noticed that they struggled with transitions, like not wanting to leave a place to go home for example. I found that setting up expectations about what we were going to do/what was going to happen/what I expected of them was helpful. I’d give them information in manageable chunks and get their cooperation up front. I think that gives kids more of a sense of control and understating and is more likely to be a calm experience than just telling them what to do and expecting cooperation.

The other things that helped were giving them downtime after school, getting them outside to play, having some one on one time, and trying to focus on them getting enough sleep. Also maintaining a sense of humor (it can help break a kid out of a meltdown) and generally trying to be calm and not get riled up.

[Anonymous]

This is my favorite article about this feeling. I hope it makes you laugh, OP.

https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/07/why_parents_hate_parenting.html

I’m a psychiatrist and did psychotherapy for a long time. At some point, I had to realize that things went a lot better if I stopped thinking of myself as “the therapist” who is supposed to have answers for “the patient”, and instead just approached therapy as two flawed people looking for answers.

Parenting is kind of the same way. You don’t have to be perfect, and you can’t fake that you are, anyway, so stop trying and just be authentic. You clearly love your kids, OP. Just be real with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 6 year old can certainly do things on his own so can the 3 year old. I don't know what their extra needs are but my kids and many friends kids at this age could do things. Getting dressed, getting backpacks together, bringing down laundry etc etc. Getting water, for oneself and the little sibling. Private time in the house with the kids around and awake is impossible for most. Once a week i don't come home from work and work out/shop and have dinner on my own with DH doing everything pickup/bedtime.
It is really hard and takes a lot of effort getting them to be independent but the work is worth it.

Oh he's totally capable. He just refuses and has major tantrums. We lose SO MUCH TIME to these tantrums. I try to stay boundaries but DP and my parents and SIL tell me I'm too rigid and need to lighten up. It's infuriating.

Oh wow. I used to fight with my kids to make them get dressed on their own and make their beds before school every day when they were 6. I was reading my journal from that time period the other day, and it made me cringe. Why was I so hard on my small kids? What was such a big deal?

Just help your 6 year old get dressed. He’s in kindergarten. Who cares?

[Anonymous]

Agree Your kids need - 1;1 time - divide and conquer
Parenting coach to get on same page
- sounds like you need to be more flexible and partner needs to not undermine.
Pick your battles.
Good advice to put phone away.

[Anonymous]

Find a great family therapist so you and your partner can get in the same page. Much of the chaos stems from this. You both need to agree on a strategy and stick to it.