Struggling to keep it together
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I would find a good couples therapist to talk about parenting strategies. I was the more lenient parent ‘rescuing’ my kids from my spouse ms consequences and they learned very quickly how to use me to undermine spouse. Our therapist really schooled me on that and that has helped go a long way to us feeling more united and in charge which in turn makes our kids more calm and secure, ironically. |
Anonymous
|
3 has been the worst and hardest age for me so far. So much whining, defiance, rigidity, and tantrums worse than terrible 2s. It is hard to be around your kid when they act downright abusive to you (at least that's how we'd describe the behavior if it were another adult). I assume that is some of what you're dealing with - the threenager phase? You have my empathy. You have a 6yo so you know it ends.
I would try to wear them out with as much active outdoor play as possible. Pool time can be exhausting for parents but it does that job well. Playgrounds, too, and nature walks. Memorize the phrase "I can't understand you when you use that voice. Try again in your big-kid voice." And repeat 200x. Eventually they will get it. |
Anonymous
| Oh and I should add: find a good babysitter if you don't already have one! For real. Every parent needs a break, preferably regularly. |
Anonymous
This is such bs. Just something bad parents tell themselves. |
Anonymous
My boy is waaaay easier than my girl. |
Anonymous
|
I'm sorry OP. I have a 5 and 3 year old and I am right there with you. It's so hard, and so draining, and so relentless.
I echo the 1 on 1 time. That seems to really help with the older child. Take the 6 year old out for a bit on the weekend. At his age, it should be more enjoyable for both of you. Do something fun where you can just enjoy hanging out together. Maybe take some times to explain why you expect him to start doing some things himself. When he does, praise praise praise. When he doesn't but you know he can, just don't do it for him. I think lazy parenting is a great technique! Just let go of the guilt, clear your calendars so that you are not rushing from event to event, and just sit yourself on a couch and let them figure out they need to do those age appropriate things themselves. And don't forget to praise when they do. The three year old, not sure I have advice. My 3 year old is insufferable and I have no good solution. It's constant whining and tantrums over the littlest things. I think we have to just ignore them any time they whine or tantrum. Ask them to rephrase. Ask them to calm down first before any discussion. And I have started telling my 3 year old that it's because he acts this way that he doesn't get to do anything fun. Mommy can't take them out to do fun things if he is going to whine and cry all the time. It seems to help when we're out and he starts misbehaving. |
Anonymous
My boy was incredibly challenging from 4-8. He is almost ten now and still has his moments but he has matured out of so much. He is very intense and it took years for him to be able to deal with transitions, handle negative emotions with some grace, etc. Defiant, willful, persistent all describe him. He used to get so mad he would destroy things in the house, he once ripped out a bunch of my garden…I could go on. Keep in mind this is a kid with no special needs, top of his class, never gets in trouble outside of the home, teachers have glowing things to say. And he is super verbal and actually talks about his emotions more than most boys I have met. Yet even so he just had such a hard time controlling his temper for those years. We did therapy from 8-9 or so and that helped. I came to understand he is both highly intelligent and also anxious, and anger is the most common way anxiety gets expressed in kids, especially boys. Anyway, it was hard as hell. Hang in there, each year gets a bit easier, I promise. |
Anonymous
+100 |
Anonymous
I'm sure there are some like that, but all I can say is that my three closest friends all had boys and from my many talks with them and my many observations of their boys and my girls, their day was just way more exhausting than mine. I did not have to deal with kids running off, climbing stuff they weren't supposed to, finding mud absolutely anywhere, breaking things constantly and wrestling. I don't think I'm a superior parent, my girls just didn't do those things. YMMV. |
Anonymous
Except you’re not “doing it all.” Someone else is watching the kids all day. Just saying. |
Anonymous
Just saying... to what end? To shame another parent? Great. |
Anonymous
|
The problem as a working parent of these ages is that you often have to spend what little time you have with the kids undoing or compensating for what their day has entailed: little personal attention/too much forced compliance/too little nature, etc.
They want babying at home to make up for all those hours following directions. The advice to give them real one on one time with no phone is spot on. Give them each 30 minutes undisrupted and they’ll have an easier time rising to the occasion. Also agree with loosening or reframing your focus on boundaries. I’m a MC sahm and it’s truly unrelenting but at least I get to set the tone and deal with everything comprehensively without daycare draining the kids. |
Anonymous
| Which peaceful Parenting book is referenced above? I see a few on Amazon with similar titles |
Anonymous
Nope to all of this. Daycare has downsides like any option but it has taught my DD to wait her turn, live without undivided attention and clean up after herself, not to mention lots of other independent skills like washing her hands, eating with utensils, etc. It has been amazing for her development and gives her enough of a balance between play and routine that she is worn out in a good way, but not depleted, at the end of the day. When she is on long vacations out of daycare it starts to show and she becomes whiny and unmoored. We are great parents at home, too, but the lack of structure and socialization is not good for her. Btw this is hugely valuable for only children like mine, who otherwise might develop bad "only child syndrome" habits. |
Anonymous
|
I don’t doubt that is your family’s experience. Some daycares are better than others, and a female only child with no SN who has parents with enough bandwidth at home may very well not experience dysregulation. But the reality for many is very different. The biting and hitting alone can do a number on some kids while others barely notice.
Similarly, many kids love aftercare. I would still suggest parents of a kid who has been out of the home for 11 hours prioritize downtime and one-on-one time with mom or dad. Or at least acknowledge that it can be a lot when they’re formulating parenting strategies and setting expectations. Research also shows that the number of hours and length of commute contributes to the experience. |