Before getting married, make sure to go on a trip to a third world country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Incorrect. Doing some travel before you get married is great, especially some challenging travel that tests your ability to get alone under challenging circumstances. But that could be a weekend camping trip, it doesn't have to be a trip to a country experiencing high poverty rates. And actually, people who can afford to travel to a lot of developing countries (where, yes, it can be inexpensive once you are there, but the flights can often be prohibitively expensive and also require a lot of vacation time) often can make even challenging travel easier simply by throwing money at problems, and that won't always be much of a test of the relationship.

You know what people need to do before they get married? Get bored. Do tedious, annoying things with your future spouse. One of you should study for a grueling and annoying professional exam. Do yard work. Sit down and sort out your finances. Do taxes together.

Right now, I know a couple who is really going through it, the challenges of parenting small children, pandemic and aftermath, some career difficulties, and some health difficulties. I hope they pull through. They were a super adventurous couple when they were dating -- sky diving, bungee jumping, trips to Patagonia and South Africa, etc. I'm sure those things make for nice memories now, but I don't think they did much to prepare them for their current challenges, which are mundane. A marriage needs to have a high capacity for the mundane, the tedious, the annoying. You won't get divorced over a stressful vacation, but you might get divorced because one or both of you is bored and restless over the longterm, or you can't resolve differences over stuff like finances our housing or parenting.

This advice is perfection. It's the real life stuff that is hard, sometimes really hard. Not the exotic vacations (of which I have done plenty, before and with DH).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don't get how this works. It's not like we experienced the difficulty of poverty in Peru ourselves. We saw it, experienced it as tourists, etc but I have no idea how that would have tested us.

+1
The idea that a *vacation* in a poor country is some kind of hardship is bonkers.

+2 I can hardly begin to describe the hardship I experienced at the resort I stayed in!

/ Eyeroll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this book called “The Defining Decade” by Meg Jay, and it says that potential couples should go on a vacation together to a third world country before getting engaged.

Apparently, vacationing in a place like Nicaragua is a good simulator for marriage. Do you agree with this?

Like so you see how they handle having guns pulled on them, getting disentary, and handing over bribe money daily?

[Anonymous]

I read this book years ago (I actually turn 30 next month) and I don’t remember this. I think the gist of the marriage chapter was just to make sure you see all sides of a partner before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this book years ago (I actually turn 30 next month) and I don’t remember this. I think the gist of the marriage chapter was just to make sure you see all sides of a partner before getting married.

Wow, that sounds groundbreaking. Not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read this book years ago (I actually turn 30 next month) and I don’t remember this. I think the gist of the marriage chapter was just to make sure you see all sides of a partner before getting married.

Wow, that sounds groundbreaking. Not.

Uh, okay. I didn’t say it was. Just don’t recall that specific reference to the third world.

[Anonymous]

Sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Incorrect. Doing some travel before you get married is great, especially some challenging travel that tests your ability to get alone under challenging circumstances. But that could be a weekend camping trip, it doesn't have to be a trip to a country experiencing high poverty rates. And actually, people who can afford to travel to a lot of developing countries (where, yes, it can be inexpensive once you are there, but the flights can often be prohibitively expensive and also require a lot of vacation time) often can make even challenging travel easier simply by throwing money at problems, and that won't always be much of a test of the relationship.

You know what people need to do before they get married? Get bored. Do tedious, annoying things with your future spouse. One of you should study for a grueling and annoying professional exam. Do yard work. Sit down and sort out your finances. Do taxes together.

Right now, I know a couple who is really going through it, the challenges of parenting small children, pandemic and aftermath, some career difficulties, and some health difficulties. I hope they pull through. They were a super adventurous couple when they were dating -- sky diving, bungee jumping, trips to Patagonia and South Africa, etc. I'm sure those things make for nice memories now, but I don't think they did much to prepare them for their current challenges, which are mundane. A marriage needs to have a high capacity for the mundane, the tedious, the annoying. You won't get divorced over a stressful vacation, but you might get divorced because one or both of you is bored and restless over the longterm, or you can't resolve differences over stuff like finances our housing or parenting.

This advice is perfection. It's the real life stuff that is hard, sometimes really hard. Not the exotic vacations (of which I have done plenty, before and with DH).

+1, good advice. I would just caution that you can never, ever simulate what parenthood or childbearing will do to your relationship. Doesn't mean it's insurmountable, but no amount of preparation is adequate. For me at least, giving birth seemed to trigger almost an allergic reaction in my brain and wellbeing. And I never realized how low my tolerance for children was....until having one. So my advice is create a system where even the outliers in terms of stress won't cause a nosedive. E.g. at least some flexibility in jobs, lots of discussion about childcare responsibilities, a "can-do" attitude from the husband (who is generally - though not in my case - the slacker in terms of parenting), no "maternal gatekeeping" about tasks, financial wherewithal to build a village of support.. And always, always priority on the marriage. it is the foundation of the whole family. Kids DO NOT come first.

[Anonymous]

I get it. You want to see how the other person acts in a potentially stressful situation. I’ve heard this advice before but never specifically seen a third world country mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Lol

[Anonymous]

Take away all screens for a week and see who flips out or not.

Can boundaries be set at work? Priorities out of whack?

[Anonymous]

Poverty tourism?

[Anonymous]

Go to rural America and see how lucky you have it. No reason to go the the 3rd world. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Op I haven’t read all the replies but really hope someone has checked you on saying ‘third world country’. What the bell is wrong with you? It’s called a developing nation. Refuse to read your post, since from the title you sound like an ignorant buffoon, and I doubt you would have anything noteworthy to contribute.

I’ve travelled to over 100 countries and met wonderful amazing people in developing nations. You should be ashamed of yourself for referring to countries as third world or encouraging ‘poverty tourism’ as a bonding experience with your spouse. Truly gross and disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If DH and I had done this, we’d never gotten married. We rarely fight except for vacations. Traveling to and from destination would cause fights. Once we are there we are fine.

Same! Omg same. The whole “left my cellphone in a rental car because he kept screaming at me to run and hurry” debacle would have ended us premaritally for sure.

We had to have a whole conversation about my expectations for food on vacations because he thought I was just going to eat Chipotle and McDonald’s somehow.