Reply to Before getting married, make sure to go on a trip to a third world country

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Incorrect. Doing some travel before you get married is great, especially some challenging travel that tests your ability to get alone under challenging circumstances. But that could be a weekend camping trip, it doesn't have to be a trip to a country experiencing high poverty rates. And actually, people who can afford to travel to a lot of developing countries (where, yes, it can be inexpensive once you are there, but the flights can often be prohibitively expensive and also require a lot of vacation time) often can make even challenging travel easier simply by throwing money at problems, and that won't always be much of a test of the relationship.

You know what people need to do before they get married? Get bored. Do tedious, annoying things with your future spouse. One of you should study for a grueling and annoying professional exam. Do yard work. Sit down and sort out your finances. Do taxes together.

Right now, I know a couple who is really going through it, the challenges of parenting small children, pandemic and aftermath, some career difficulties, and some health difficulties. I hope they pull through. They were a super adventurous couple when they were dating -- sky diving, bungee jumping, trips to Patagonia and South Africa, etc. I'm sure those things make for nice memories now, but I don't think they did much to prepare them for their current challenges, which are mundane. A marriage needs to have a high capacity for the mundane, the tedious, the annoying. You won't get divorced over a stressful vacation, but you might get divorced because one or both of you is bored and restless over the longterm, or you can't resolve differences over stuff like finances our housing or parenting.[/quote]

This advice is perfection. It's the real life stuff that is hard, sometimes really hard. Not the exotic vacations (of which I have done plenty, before and with DH).[/quote]

+1, good advice. I would just caution that you can never, ever simulate what parenthood or childbearing will do to your relationship. Doesn't mean it's insurmountable, but no amount of preparation is adequate. For me at least, giving birth seemed to trigger almost an allergic reaction in my brain and wellbeing. And I never realized how low my tolerance for children was....until having one. So my advice is create a system where even the outliers in terms of stress won't cause a nosedive. E.g. at least some flexibility in jobs, lots of discussion about childcare responsibilities, a "can-do" attitude from the husband (who is generally - though not in my case - the slacker in terms of parenting), no "maternal gatekeeping" about tasks, financial wherewithal to build a village of support.. And always, always priority on the marriage. it is the foundation of the whole family. Kids DO NOT come first.[/quote]

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