Large early inheritance to only 1 of 3 siblings?

[Anonymous]

OP was this really a surprise to you? If you were raised in the church I would think you’d know how much your parents prioritized the church. Are you and the other “left out” sibling still active in the church?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have seen so many fights over inheritance. My mother and her siblings were locked in a 25 year court battle over their father's will because their brother stole his sisters' inheritance. My BIL is making jealous noises over my MIL's plan for her inheritance, because he's not happy his two brothers will get more, for various reasons that MIL has spelled out clearly and in advance.

And here I am, with one child with special needs who might have difficulty getting or keeping jobs, and one highly-functional child. I am tempted to divide my estate equally between them, just because no matter how I explain it, the child who has less might always feel slighted. Also because I don't know what the future will bring to either one. But it will also depend on how my child with SN grows up and how functional he gets.

The best I can do is work on our family bond, and make sure they appreciate one another, so that if ever one needs help after I'm gone, the other will be OK stepping in.

I would hope if you have raised the non-special needs kid well, they will understand the SN sibling requires more from you. They should recognized low lucky they are to not have these obstacles in life. And also happy you have $$$ to leave for care of the SN kids, so sibling is not fully responsible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s their money and there’s no obligation to give everyone the same.

While that is true, their decision has consequences. And one of those consequences may be some resentment from the two siblings. Which could lead to larger problems down the road. Good way to break up a family. That man's decision to work at a church also has consequences but the parents decided it doesn't.

At what point are the kids responsible for their own reactions? I find it pretty pathetic to blame the parents that the kids are so angry they’re rich and inheriting a ton, but not rich enough or inheriting even more.

I also think it’s perfectly reasonable for parents to reward a career path they find to be more morally upstanding. Why shouldn’t they?

I agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have seen so many fights over inheritance. My mother and her siblings were locked in a 25 year court battle over their father's will because their brother stole his sisters' inheritance. My BIL is making jealous noises over my MIL's plan for her inheritance, because he's not happy his two brothers will get more, for various reasons that MIL has spelled out clearly and in advance.

And here I am, with one child with special needs who might have difficulty getting or keeping jobs, and one highly-functional child. I am tempted to divide my estate equally between them, just because no matter how I explain it, the child who has less might always feel slighted. Also because I don't know what the future will bring to either one. But it will also depend on how my child with SN grows up and how functional he gets.

The best I can do is work on our family bond, and make sure they appreciate one another, so that if ever one needs help after I'm gone, the other will be OK stepping in.

I would hope if you have raised the non-special needs kid well, they will understand the SN sibling requires more from you. They should recognized low lucky they are to not have these obstacles in life. And also happy you have $$$ to leave for care of the SN kids, so sibling is not fully responsible

My friend has a profoundly autistic younger sibling that she will be completely responsible for when her mother dies (father is already deceased). Safe to say she would be thrilled if her mom left sister every penny if there was any hope it would cover sister’s care.

And since my friend is 10 years older than her sister this may well be a burden her kids inherit.

People on DCUM are never failing to count their blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have seen so many fights over inheritance. My mother and her siblings were locked in a 25 year court battle over their father's will because their brother stole his sisters' inheritance. My BIL is making jealous noises over my MIL's plan for her inheritance, because he's not happy his two brothers will get more, for various reasons that MIL has spelled out clearly and in advance.

And here I am, with one child with special needs who might have difficulty getting or keeping jobs, and one highly-functional child. I am tempted to divide my estate equally between them, just because no matter how I explain it, the child who has less might always feel slighted. Also because I don't know what the future will bring to either one. But it will also depend on how my child with SN grows up and how functional he gets.

The best I can do is work on our family bond, and make sure they appreciate one another, so that if ever one needs help after I'm gone, the other will be OK stepping in.

+1

Your legacy will be that you are considered a good parent, because you were a fair parent. After you are gone, you will be remembered fondly. Parents who refuse to be fair, set their children up for fighting after the parent is gone, and a legacy of unfairness - which can easily be construed (accurately or not) as bad parenting.

I know parents that left their money distributed unequally when they passed, and it tends to not end well for the grown children left behind. There is rarely enough justification for being unequal.

There are justifications a
For some.

My parents owe me mid 6 figures that I “loaned them” so they can live in the retirement center they desire. Will states I get that back with low interest first then all is split as that’s what parents want. Ultimately it will be up to me whether I claim the repayment.

Sibling knows this and is not happy. Because most likely there will be nothing left for them, I likely won’t even get my “loan” returned. I don’t care. We were giving it because we can not for repayment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have seen so many fights over inheritance. My mother and her siblings were locked in a 25 year court battle over their father's will because their brother stole his sisters' inheritance. My BIL is making jealous noises over my MIL's plan for her inheritance, because he's not happy his two brothers will get more, for various reasons that MIL has spelled out clearly and in advance.

And here I am, with one child with special needs who might have difficulty getting or keeping jobs, and one highly-functional child. I am tempted to divide my estate equally between them, just because no matter how I explain it, the child who has less might always feel slighted. Also because I don't know what the future will bring to either one. But it will also depend on how my child with SN grows up and how functional he gets.

The best I can do is work on our family bond, and make sure they appreciate one another, so that if ever one needs help after I'm gone, the other will be OK stepping in.

+1

Your legacy will be that you are considered a good parent, because you were a fair parent. After you are gone, you will be remembered fondly. Parents who refuse to be fair, set their children up for fighting after the parent is gone, and a legacy of unfairness - which can easily be construed (accurately or not) as bad parenting.

I know parents that left their money distributed unequally when they passed, and it tends to not end well for the grown children left behind. There is rarely enough justification for being unequal.

There are justifications a
For some.

My parents owe me mid 6 figures that I “loaned them” so they can live in the retirement center they desire. Will states I get that back with low interest first then all is split as that’s what parents want. Ultimately it will be up to me whether I claim the repayment.

Sibling knows this and is not happy. Because most likely there will be nothing left for them, I likely won’t even get my “loan” returned. I don’t care. We were giving it because we can not for repayment

This is just proof that some jerks will let their parents’ memory be tarnished no matter how fair the division of assets really is.

You can’t control how other people react. That’s their job. You can only do what you think is right.

[Anonymous]

My family is like this but not nearly as wealthy. I’m more successful than my other 2 siblings and I’ve watched as a disproportionate amount of financial help has gone to them. I’m not rich, just relatively more successful. Still had to struggle to pay back student loans and save for a down payment.

[Anonymous]

The other two kids see the gift as a "want" while the parents and the one kid think it's a "need."
Right or wrong, since it involved a church, the parents justify their action by using the parable of the lost sheep, and they think they did a right thing.

Also, they did not tell one kid which means there are issues within the family.
The church kid seems to be the favorite, but maybe because he is the one who's spent time talking and taking care of his parents.
Too many details are left out of this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have seen so many fights over inheritance. My mother and her siblings were locked in a 25 year court battle over their father's will because their brother stole his sisters' inheritance. My BIL is making jealous noises over my MIL's plan for her inheritance, because he's not happy his two brothers will get more, for various reasons that MIL has spelled out clearly and in advance.

And here I am, with one child with special needs who might have difficulty getting or keeping jobs, and one highly-functional child. I am tempted to divide my estate equally between them, just because no matter how I explain it, the child who has less might always feel slighted. Also because I don't know what the future will bring to either one. But it will also depend on how my child with SN grows up and how functional he gets.

The best I can do is work on our family bond, and make sure they appreciate one another, so that if ever one needs help after I'm gone, the other will be OK stepping in.

I would hope if you have raised the non-special needs kid well, they will understand the SN sibling requires more from you. They should recognized low lucky they are to not have these obstacles in life. And also happy you have $$$ to leave for care of the SN kids, so sibling is not fully responsible

My friend has a profoundly autistic younger sibling that she will be completely responsible for when her mother dies (father is already deceased). Safe to say she would be thrilled if her mom left sister every penny if there was any hope it would cover sister’s care.

And since my friend is 10 years older than her sister this may well be a burden her kids inherit.

People on DCUM are never failing to count their blessings.

Wow - parents should’ve planned better. Not fair to place the burden entirely on the older sister.

[Anonymous]

How can they possibly gift $1m?! Maybe the house is in their name. Or, are they paying for private too. You can't just give someone $1m one year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have seen so many fights over inheritance. My mother and her siblings were locked in a 25 year court battle over their father's will because their brother stole his sisters' inheritance. My BIL is making jealous noises over my MIL's plan for her inheritance, because he's not happy his two brothers will get more, for various reasons that MIL has spelled out clearly and in advance.

And here I am, with one child with special needs who might have difficulty getting or keeping jobs, and one highly-functional child. I am tempted to divide my estate equally between them, just because no matter how I explain it, the child who has less might always feel slighted. Also because I don't know what the future will bring to either one. But it will also depend on how my child with SN grows up and how functional he gets.

The best I can do is work on our family bond, and make sure they appreciate one another, so that if ever one needs help after I'm gone, the other will be OK stepping in.

I would hope if you have raised the non-special needs kid well, they will understand the SN sibling requires more from you. They should recognized low lucky they are to not have these obstacles in life. And also happy you have $$$ to leave for care of the SN kids, so sibling is not fully responsible

My friend has a profoundly autistic younger sibling that she will be completely responsible for when her mother dies (father is already deceased). Safe to say she would be thrilled if her mom left sister every penny if there was any hope it would cover sister’s care.

And since my friend is 10 years older than her sister this may well be a burden her kids inherit.

People on DCUM are never failing to count their blessings.

Wow - parents should’ve planned better. Not fair to place the burden entirely on the older sister.

I don’t know how they could have. Dad died when both kids were young. Mom was a public school teacher and retired as late as she could.

[Anonymous]

Child who rec’d 1 m has family income only slightly less than others (because of their spouse’s high income) and yes, prior to gift the three had equivalent lifestyles (though favorite probably had slightly less in retirement) and now lifestyle is significantly higher than others, including cars and vacations. Also, none is local to parents but favored child lives in the city they lived till retiring to warmer weather so they know people in town of child they gave the money to-I don’t think that’s a small part of the reasoning. No one is complaining to the parents or sibling, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind in op’s situation the sibling who got the money now lives a much grander lifestyle than the less favored siblings. That’s weird.

This, we’re talking $1MILLION dollars. If it was NBD the parents would have told all the kids. They knew it was unbalanced to give so much to one. They have the right because it is their money but hurt feelings are the natural consequence of their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind in op’s situation the sibling who got the money now lives a much grander lifestyle than the less favored siblings. That’s weird.

This, we’re talking $1MILLION dollars. If it was NBD the parents would have told all the kids. They knew it was unbalanced to give so much to one. They have the right because it is their money but hurt feelings are the natural consequence of their choices.

Depends how many millions the parents still have. If it’s $50mm in assets, this is all petty. If it’s $2mm, they are right to be pissed.

[Anonymous]

It’s their money but it’s also natural that this will stir resentment among the siblings. It’s disingenuous to pretend otherwise.