Large early inheritance to only 1 of 3 siblings?

[Anonymous]

Is it fair? Not particularly.
Would I care? Not if I was well off myself. I wouldn’t be sitting around waiting on an inheritance that may or may not arrive. I wouldn’t begrudge my sibling.
Would I take this money if I were the poorer sibbling? Probably not, out of self-respect.
But either way, not a big deal. It’s only money.

[Anonymous]

What do the other kids not have that their parents’ money would give them?

[Anonymous]

It is not inheritance. They are still alive.
It was a gift.

People can care for their children as they see fit.

It must hurt the parents to see that the children are being greedy instead of generous.

Sounds like the others will still get money, whether it is exactly even is not their call.

(If they keep grumbling, maybe the parents will cut them out entirely. They would not make me proud, as a mother.)

[Anonymous]

Smaller numbers, but I was in a little bit of a similar situation with my sister. Through her twenties and most of her thirties, she worked in basically a non-profit role and my dad subsidized her by paying her credit card bills for years. Initially it bothered me but I realized I was better off being independent and having a well-paying professional job.

Then she wanted to get a professional masters degree and I encouraged my dad to pay for it. I had a good job and didn’t need his money. He could easily cover the tuition.

When he passed away, the estate was split evenly. But while he was alive, he gave to her as he chose. We all maintained good relationships with each other.

In your shoes op, I’d let it go. Count your blessings. You have parents who are still alive and it sounds like they are still healthy, as are all the siblings. That is such a blessing. And your parents are well-off enough to give a child $1m and still have money for themselves. You all are so fortunate. Work on being grateful for what your family has. You are so far better off than the vast majority of people in this planet.

[Anonymous]

I have seen so many fights over inheritance. My mother and her siblings were locked in a 25 year court battle over their father's will because their brother stole his sisters' inheritance. My BIL is making jealous noises over my MIL's plan for her inheritance, because he's not happy his two brothers will get more, for various reasons that MIL has spelled out clearly and in advance.

And here I am, with one child with special needs who might have difficulty getting or keeping jobs, and one highly-functional child. I am tempted to divide my estate equally between them, just because no matter how I explain it, the child who has less might always feel slighted. Also because I don't know what the future will bring to either one. But it will also depend on how my child with SN grows up and how functional he gets.

The best I can do is work on our family bond, and make sure they appreciate one another, so that if ever one needs help after I'm gone, the other will be OK stepping in.

[Anonymous]

How much have the other two children given to/done for the church? How much is the church getting when the parents pass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s their money and there’s no obligation to give everyone the same.

Or to give it at the same time.

One set of former in laws got $30k a year from my then MiL to pay for Jewish day school for their eldest (wife was SAH). They considered it differently than disbursements from the parents to the other kids for down payments for cars/mortgages or other expenses. Cue a lot of anxiety over how the estate will be divided. In the end, though, it was the parents’ money to give as they pleased.

NP, I see that differently. Grandparents giving tuition money to grandchildren shouldn't count against the money that kids get. As long as MIL would have paid for Jewish school for all grandchildren.

My grandma had 4 kids. 3 had only one child and my parent had 2 children. Should my sibling and I get half of the inheritance that all my cousins are getting? My grandma would have liked as many grandchildren as possible and wanted to celebrate them all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have seen so many fights over inheritance. My mother and her siblings were locked in a 25 year court battle over their father's will because their brother stole his sisters' inheritance. My BIL is making jealous noises over my MIL's plan for her inheritance, because he's not happy his two brothers will get more, for various reasons that MIL has spelled out clearly and in advance.

And here I am, with one child with special needs who might have difficulty getting or keeping jobs, and one highly-functional child. I am tempted to divide my estate equally between them, just because no matter how I explain it, the child who has less might always feel slighted. Also because I don't know what the future will bring to either one. But it will also depend on how my child with SN grows up and how functional he gets.

The best I can do is work on our family bond, and make sure they appreciate one another, so that if ever one needs help after I'm gone, the other will be OK stepping in.

+1

Your legacy will be that you are considered a good parent, because you were a fair parent. After you are gone, you will be remembered fondly. Parents who refuse to be fair, set their children up for fighting after the parent is gone, and a legacy of unfairness - which can easily be construed (accurately or not) as bad parenting.

I know parents that left their money distributed unequally when they passed, and it tends to not end well for the grown children left behind. There is rarely enough justification for being unequal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s their money and there’s no obligation to give everyone the same.

Or to give it at the same time.

One set of former in laws got $30k a year from my then MiL to pay for Jewish day school for their eldest (wife was SAH). They considered it differently than disbursements from the parents to the other kids for down payments for cars/mortgages or other expenses. Cue a lot of anxiety over how the estate will be divided. In the end, though, it was the parents’ money to give as they pleased.

NP, I see that differently. Grandparents giving tuition money to grandchildren shouldn't count against the money that kids get. As long as MIL would have paid for Jewish school for all grandchildren.

My grandma had 4 kids. 3 had only one child and my parent had 2 children. Should my sibling and I get half of the inheritance that all my cousins are getting? My grandma would have liked as many grandchildren as possible and wanted to celebrate them all.

Your grandma sounds like a good person, PP.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind in op’s situation the sibling who got the money now lives a much grander lifestyle than the less favored siblings. That’s weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm interested in what others think of this scenario. Parents are in their 80s and have 3 adult kids, all professionals, married, and doing well. Two of the children, with their spouses, are doing very well financially. The third has a job in the church and their spouse has a well-paying professional job - they are doing fine financially but clearly not as well as the other children. When that child (who also has some health problems) moved to take a new job in the church, they wanted to live in a large house in the most desirable neighborhood of a large city, have their kids attend the best private schools, etc. but couldn't afford to do so (this would be a living standard above that of the other two siblings). As a result, the parents decided to gift $1 million of their estate early to that child. They told one of the other children about it at the time but did not tell the other (presumably to avoid the difficult conversation). Several years later, this has all come to light and it is awkward. The parents' position is that nothing will be done to even things out (now or later) as this gift was for "need". Thoughts? Advice?

Hopefully that child spends a lot of time with the parents because I would be done in your situation. If they want to play favorites, that's their right, but there are consequences

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind in op’s situation the sibling who got the money now lives a much grander lifestyle than the less favored siblings. That’s weird.

+1

Sometimes parents who give unevenly mistake greed for need.

[Anonymous]

I think you give a token amount to the wealthy kids and enough for the poorer child to be safe and secure in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Depending on the level of anger you feel, you can challenge the will to burn some of that inheritance defending the challenge. It's cutting of your nose to spite your face, but it may be worth it for some people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind in op’s situation the sibling who got the money now lives a much grander lifestyle than the less favored siblings. That’s weird.

I don’t see “much grander” anywhere in the OP, where are you getting that?