Vacation wife here. 4 month update

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I replied to your old thread. My husband had a long distance (but PA) affair 8ish years ago.

I mean, everything you feel is normal. You have to incorporate this trauma/betrayal into your understanding of your marriage, yourself, your life. It's a lot.

What I see with you and your DH is just a lot of, maybe, nervous energy thrown at being the best reconcilers ever. And mainly I think that's a good thing. You don't want the alternative. But the truth is that there are no short cuts to grief and acceptance. And for your DH, he can't A+ his way out of shame. So I would just caution you two to make sure that you aren't distracting yourselves from anything with your super duper efforts. But overall, I'm glad that your DH is making the effort, even if he sometimes overshoots.

Very good point.

[Anonymous]

Vacation wife going on a vacation with DH tomorrow. It's our first ever one sans kids and my first one since my life was obliterated on a trip. Nervous, excited. I thought I'd be slightly terrified/triggered, but it oddly feels like anticipating a first date.

Also leaving my kids for the first time (with in laws).

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, OP. I'm glad there has been progress on many fronts made, but the fact that he contacted an old GF is disturbing. Not only was reaching out to his ex GF totally unnecessary and unwarranted, the fact that it didn't seem to occur to him that this might be a trigger for you is the most concerning. Good luck, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vacation wife going on a vacation with DH tomorrow. It's our first ever one sans kids and my first one since my life was obliterated on a trip. Nervous, excited. I thought I'd be slightly terrified/triggered, but it oddly feels like anticipating a first date.

Also leaving my kids for the first time (with in laws).

Enjoy! And prioritize yourself and having a nice relaxing time.

[Anonymous]

I can’t think of a better phrasing so hopefully someone will get what I’m grasping for, but this is all Michael Bay-style is cinematic, from affair to discovery to recovery. The best therapy couple ever, the BFF who is painfully honest but says “if you have any fight in you…,” the BFF couple potentially getting to see the marriage of OP at their best since they’ve (clearly?) been suffering themselves (hm) at seeing the worst, the emotional nature of a DH who self-sacrifices in a particularly stoic manner because he “wants to give DW the world,” which is clearly a little much but maybe also the dream. It’s just very dramatic in a peculiarly immature way and is to me, strange and counterproductive.

The woman upthread who notes couples can’t A-plus their way out of the real has true insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for your update. I truly wish you the best.

Also, and please understand I am not criticizing you here - you are allowed to feel however you want to feel about all of this - I read the part about him contacting his high school girlfriend as actually kind of sweet because of what he was seeking from her. I guess being 44 the thought of a high school girlfriend/boyfriend means nothing to me now and perhaps it's different for you because you're younger and also because you live in a smaller town and also perhaps because this was the girlfriend right before you? But anyway, while he should have said something to you before discussing your issues with his high school girlfriend, I guess I would urge you to try to let that go for the sake of trying to move on from all of this. I totally understand how a sliver after losing a limb can still hurt, but perhaps screaming about this into the sky and then leaving it behind you so you an focus on the more important things would be best.

Hugs.

I 100% agree with this. I get that he was communicating with a woman that you were not aware of, but given the facts as you describe them, I would NOT put this action under "the ugly" at all.

+1

I didn’t see it negatively at all. He should be allowed to talk to whoever about whatever. OP’s reaction won’t help with his avoidance. Ultimately, I get the impression that this can’t be saved.

Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vacation wife going on a vacation with DH tomorrow. It's our first ever one sans kids and my first one since my life was obliterated on a trip. Nervous, excited. I thought I'd be slightly terrified/triggered, but it oddly feels like anticipating a first date.

Also leaving my kids for the first time (with in laws).

Rooting for you. And it's ok to feel your feelings if they arise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for your update. I truly wish you the best.

Also, and please understand I am not criticizing you here - you are allowed to feel however you want to feel about all of this - I read the part about him contacting his high school girlfriend as actually kind of sweet because of what he was seeking from her. I guess being 44 the thought of a high school girlfriend/boyfriend means nothing to me now and perhaps it's different for you because you're younger and also because you live in a smaller town and also perhaps because this was the girlfriend right before you? But anyway, while he should have said something to you before discussing your issues with his high school girlfriend, I guess I would urge you to try to let that go for the sake of trying to move on from all of this. I totally understand how a sliver after losing a limb can still hurt, but perhaps screaming about this into the sky and then leaving it behind you so you an focus on the more important things would be best.

Hugs.

I 100% agree with this. I get that he was communicating with a woman that you were not aware of, but given the facts as you describe them, I would NOT put this action under "the ugly" at all.

+1

I didn’t see it negatively at all. He should be allowed to talk to whoever about whatever. OP’s reaction won’t help with his avoidance. Ultimately, I get the impression that this can’t be saved.

Really?

DP

I get the same impression. Both of you are avoidant of your own feelings. You’re using the marriage to avoid yourselves. What your husband did isn’t about you ultimately it’s about himself. You are both really codependent. It feels like you are getting back into a codependent cycle instead of sobering up and looking at the underlying issues here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t think of a better phrasing so hopefully someone will get what I’m grasping for, but this is all Michael Bay-style is cinematic, from affair to discovery to recovery. The best therapy couple ever, the BFF who is painfully honest but says “if you have any fight in you…,” the BFF couple potentially getting to see the marriage of OP at their best since they’ve (clearly?) been suffering themselves (hm) at seeing the worst, the emotional nature of a DH who self-sacrifices in a particularly stoic manner because he “wants to give DW the world,” which is clearly a little much but maybe also the dream. It’s just very dramatic in a peculiarly immature way and is to me, strange and counterproductive.

The woman upthread who notes couples can’t A-plus their way out of the real has true insight.

Not sure if this is what you're going for, but the OP's posts have consistently seemed far too well-written for someone in this position - from start to finish. Don't get me started on the cozy ramen date where they shared a bowl.

It's like there's just enough imperfection to seem believable, but ultimately reads like fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t think of a better phrasing so hopefully someone will get what I’m grasping for, but this is all Michael Bay-style is cinematic, from affair to discovery to recovery. The best therapy couple ever, the BFF who is painfully honest but says “if you have any fight in you…,” the BFF couple potentially getting to see the marriage of OP at their best since they’ve (clearly?) been suffering themselves (hm) at seeing the worst, the emotional nature of a DH who self-sacrifices in a particularly stoic manner because he “wants to give DW the world,” which is clearly a little much but maybe also the dream. It’s just very dramatic in a peculiarly immature way and is to me, strange and counterproductive.

The woman upthread who notes couples can’t A-plus their way out of the real has true insight.

Not sure if this is what you're going for, but the OP's posts have consistently seemed far too well-written for someone in this position - from start to finish. Don't get me started on the cozy ramen date where they shared a bowl.

It's like there's just enough imperfection to seem believable, but ultimately reads like fiction.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought something was off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t think of a better phrasing so hopefully someone will get what I’m grasping for, but this is all Michael Bay-style is cinematic, from affair to discovery to recovery. The best therapy couple ever, the BFF who is painfully honest but says “if you have any fight in you…,” the BFF couple potentially getting to see the marriage of OP at their best since they’ve (clearly?) been suffering themselves (hm) at seeing the worst, the emotional nature of a DH who self-sacrifices in a particularly stoic manner because he “wants to give DW the world,” which is clearly a little much but maybe also the dream. It’s just very dramatic in a peculiarly immature way and is to me, strange and counterproductive.

The woman upthread who notes couples can’t A-plus their way out of the real has true insight.

Not sure if this is what you're going for, but the OP's posts have consistently seemed far too well-written for someone in this position - from start to finish. Don't get me started on the cozy ramen date where they shared a bowl.

It's like there's just enough imperfection to seem believable, but ultimately reads like fiction.

It all reads as consciously scripted, with jaw-dropping emotional shallowness. He’s so perfect but cared too much while engaging in his many manly acts of stoicism. They were best friends but best lovers and best friends and best parents too. She can’t look at her in laws the same way again (this is the actual meat of the story) because their talk sessions have been so mind blowing like the sex, and isn’t it so unfair the effed-up in-laws never fixed themselves, setting this all in motion?

That last thing is a real through line on DCUM: the betrayed wife is often angriest at her in-laws, who are the only party who are never but never forgiven, because therapy, hysterical bonding, and sweetly holding hands and recommitting confirms to them that MIL and FIL’s imperfect parenting is what caused the husband to cheat. They were at fault most of all! It’s always wrapped up in this particular bow.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this is what you're going for, but the OP's posts have consistently seemed far too well-written for someone in this position - from start to finish. Don't get me started on the cozy ramen date where they shared a bowl.

It's like there's just enough imperfection to seem believable, but ultimately reads like fiction.


I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought something was off.

I think you are referring to a different poster. OP is a good writer who has been authentic since she started posting just before Xmas.

OP, thanks for the update and gave a great vacation! Remember, 2-5 years for recovery is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t think of a better phrasing so hopefully someone will get what I’m grasping for, but this is all Michael Bay-style is cinematic, from affair to discovery to recovery. The best therapy couple ever, the BFF who is painfully honest but says “if you have any fight in you…,” the BFF couple potentially getting to see the marriage of OP at their best since they’ve (clearly?) been suffering themselves (hm) at seeing the worst, the emotional nature of a DH who self-sacrifices in a particularly stoic manner because he “wants to give DW the world,” which is clearly a little much but maybe also the dream. It’s just very dramatic in a peculiarly immature way and is to me, strange and counterproductive.

The woman upthread who notes couples can’t A-plus their way out of the real has true insight.

Not sure if this is what you're going for, but the OP's posts have consistently seemed far too well-written for someone in this position - from start to finish. Don't get me started on the cozy ramen date where they shared a bowl.

It's like there's just enough imperfection to seem believable, but ultimately reads like fiction.

It all reads as consciously scripted, with jaw-dropping emotional shallowness. He’s so perfect but cared too much while engaging in his many manly acts of stoicism. They were best friends but best lovers and best friends and best parents too. She can’t look at her in laws the same way again (this is the actual meat of the story) because their talk sessions have been so mind blowing like the sex, and isn’t it so unfair the effed-up in-laws never fixed themselves, setting this all in motion?

That last thing is a real through line on DCUM: the betrayed wife is often angriest at her in-laws, who are the only party who are never but never forgiven, because therapy, hysterical bonding, and sweetly holding hands and recommitting confirms to them that MIL and FIL’s imperfect parenting is what caused the husband to cheat. They were at fault most of all! It’s always wrapped up in this particular bow.

Yes, scripted - that's the word. It's pat. Good writing isn't the issue - it's the perfect scripting in this context.

[Anonymous]

What is dday? Discovery day or divorce day?

[Anonymous]

Bumping this old thread because it popped into my head and I would love to hear from OP how she is doing these days.