Concerned about my wife's lack of desire to expand her social circle

[Anonymous]

Agree with all the responses- OP you are getting actual helpful and relatively kind advice here. It’s a DCUM miracle! My oldest was eventually diagnosed with SN and taking her anywhere as a toddler was nerve wracking- would there be a scene? Would I forget some important stuffed animal or key thing and disaster would ensue? I just wanted to enjoy my time with my kid because I didn’t have as much as I wanted when she was little and sleeping a lot and work was less flexible. I didn’t want to deal with all of that. When I had my second and I could be one of those parents who actually talked to the adults in a social setting it was a lot more fun. My husband was often able to enjoy things more because I’d be “on duty” unless we had planned differently. Take a look at what’s actually happening. But mostly if she’s happy respect that. I am literally friends with zero of the families of parents from my oldest child’s preschool years. You are not missing out.

Also, my husband often clicks more with a dad that is married to a mom that I don’t click with especially. It’s fine! Better honestly, for you to have your own friends. Go to the events and chat with other dads and offer to meet up at the playground some weekend morning. For whatever reason dad playdates are often at playground or museums or sporting events rather than just at home. It’s super easy and remember people like being invited to do things!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So she's not holding you back, but you're frustrated? I'm not understanding this.

Because he wants her to do it for him. I also believe it's not even on his radar that this is what he's asking for.

I just got back from Disney. We had fun. I also had to be the lightning lane/war planner for the entire trip. It was great, but the next time I do that much work for a vacation I'm not going on that vacation. I ran into other parents there and we chatted about all the planning. When I talked to the dads? 100% of the time they said, "oh my wife takes care of that".

It's the same old story of outsourcing the emotional labor to women. I love hanging out with family. They're easy, they help with DD, I'm not the hidden help.

I get OP's wife's perspective.

+1 to all of this

[Anonymous]

You need to get a hobby, embrace it, and look in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Are you having an affair?

[Anonymous]

If you heard about this situation, you'd probably think it sounds like a textbook case of depression/anxiety, right?

Your conclusion that your wife doesn't want to engineer your social life (in addition to being the primary parent, please call me out if I'm wrong), is that she's "depressed"?

Take a look at how much of your life your wife already takes care of (who grocery shops, cooks, keeps house, plans vacations, does all the kid stuff? And does she also work?) and ask yourself if the roles were reversed, would you take on one more thing? Especially a thing that's supposed to be "fun"?

Hanging out with her family is probably a godsend for her.

It's always mystifying what men don't see. Until I remember that people are disincentivized to recognize a power dynamic in which they currently benefit.

[Anonymous]

I'm an extrovert DW with an introverted husband who for many years didn't much like going out, visiting my family, spending time with my friends, or doing things outside his small and far-flung friend group or interest area. I sympathize with LW. I generally went along to most social engagements he invited me along to, even if it wasn't my taste or group, to make sure there was something.

I insisted on certain minimum engagement - visiting my family for milestone events, coming out to see my friends when we were meeting as couples, coming out to support me and watch our kids during public events for a hobby I am involved in.

So, I think you have to be the leader here and yes, make the overtures, do the organizing, take her out to meetups while her family (whom you ask for the favor) watching your child(ren). You can't make her WANT it but it can be a thing you ask/want/need in the relationship, that you do stuff together alone out in the world.

COVID and a different job changed my husband's perspective, and now I'm the sahm with 2 small children. I try to cobble together a few mom friendships and make it out to see a couple of old time friends once a month or two when we have family help for the weekend... But it's a lot of effort and not easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So she's not holding you back, but you're frustrated? I'm not understanding this.

Because he wants her to do it for him. I also believe it's not even on his radar that this is what he's asking for.

I just got back from Disney. We had fun. I also had to be the lightning lane/war planner for the entire trip. It was great, but the next time I do that much work for a vacation I'm not going on that vacation. I ran into other parents there and we chatted about all the planning. When I talked to the dads? 100% of the time they said, "oh my wife takes care of that".

It's the same old story of outsourcing the emotional labor to women. I love hanging out with family. They're easy, they help with DD, I'm not the hidden help.

I get OP's wife's perspective.

+1 to all of this

+2

[Anonymous]

The term “friend group” is one of the most annoying in recent memory.

If you were giving equal attention to your child, you would not have time to worry about such things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to encourage her to make friends, those friendships should be based on your wife's interests and not based on your kids.

First, unless these kids are all going to elementary school together, these "friendships" are short term. So consider how much it is worth investing in people who you won't stay in touch with.

Also, as a mother who has BTDT, it gets very messy when your friendships are based on your kids friendships and there are falling outs among the kids or your kid is not considered "cool" and is excluded. Then, you are in the position of losing your friends and/or pushing your child to accept bad behavior from other kids to maintain the adult friendships. Certainly you can and should be friendly with parents at your kids' school, but be cautious about considering these people your true friends.

This. So much drama when your "friend circle" is based on your kids, because if the kids don't get along or start drifting apart, the friendships suffer (or the kids do). I'd probably attend a few of these social events just because it's nice to know the parents of your kids' classmates, but I wouldn't be going for the purpose of making a group of friends.

I don't know. I made most of my local friends through my kids pre-school and during the early elementary years. Kids are now in high school and sure the friendships have changed/kids have drifted apart but the adults hang out without our kids, because guess what, they can be left home alone or have their own plans! Don't overthink it. Make friends where you can and deal with the fallout later!

My parents are still best friends with the parents of my kindergarten friends! That was 45 years ago.

It's hard when one person wants to socialize - even a little - and the other doesn't. There has to be some meeting in the middle. In our relationship, even though we're both pretty introverted, I have more social energy and desire than my spouse - so I generally make the friends and make the plans, but I try to also be mindful of what my spouse can actually manage. So if we have dinner plans with friends on Sat night, I try to make any other socializing just me. Can you try something like that - maybe see if your wife can handle socializing like two times a month, and you're in charge of making the friends and the plans?