Concerned about my wife's lack of desire to expand her social circle

[Anonymous]

Does she work? Can she make friends through work?

I am friends with a couple of the moms at my kid's preschool but my closest adult friendships, post-kid, have been with people who have kids but whom I did not meet THROUGH kids. Mostly through work and one through DH's work. If she has happy hours/work parties she should go! I met a really good friend that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read this. I bet your wife didn't like your before-times social life as much as you think. She was probably doing it for your sake, but now with the kid she's no longer willing to cater to you in that way. Because you are a grown man, and frankly a rather clueless one, it seems.

https://www.drpsychmom.com/2017/11/06/introverthighly-sensitive-wife-got-difficult-kids/

If the kid isn't wearing you out, then maybe you aren't doing your share of the parenting.

I consider myself mostly an extrovert but ooof this resonated.

[Anonymous]

OP, when she goes out, how do all the chores get done? Do you do a GREAT job cleaning up from dinner, putting the kid to bed, and prepping for the next day? Or does she come home to a mess and a chore backlog? If she's out late, when does she get to sleep in? Think about your role in this.

It sounds like you're faux-concerned that she's depressed, but really you just want her to be more fun and carefree, but you need to wrap your head around your role in this, and how your household work (or lack of work) is a factor.

[Anonymous]

I bet this changes when your kids hit kindergarten. I didn't have much to give to friendships in the baby and toddler years. As much as I liked the preschool parents, I still wasn't ready to invest because we were all going to separate soon. When my kids started school and I knew it was going to be our community for the next 6+ years, I was interested in making friends again. As a previous poster so eloquently put it, this is just a season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet this changes when your kids hit kindergarten. I didn't have much to give to friendships in the baby and toddler years. As much as I liked the preschool parents, I still wasn't ready to invest because we were all going to separate soon. When my kids started school and I knew it was going to be our community for the next 6+ years, I was interested in making friends again. As a previous poster so eloquently put it, this is just a season.

Totally this.

Also, OP, how are you financially? If she feels she can't quite afford the babysitter, the drinks, etc., that may be a factor.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

Are you a male?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

Mom here. I had my child around the same time (early pandemic) and holy crap I grieved for the pre-parenthood days, and I think COVID exacerbated it. I highly highly recommend baking a regular date night into your schedule. The money is worth it 10000x. And it sounds like you have local family around so maybe it wouldn't even cost anything to find a sitter. It changed my perspective completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

She might prefer spending time with family because family helps her manage her kid, or she doesn't feel like she has to keep the kid on best behavior the whole time.

As others are saying, look at your role in this. Are you an attentive, involved parent when you socialize as a family? Or do you devote all your attention to socializing and she has to scramble after your DD and fit in conversation around that? Because that's probably way less enjoyable for her and causes her resentment.

Are you making the effort to pack the bag, dress your DD appropriately, think through what to bring, plan around nap, etc? Or is that all on your wife? Taking a preschool aged child to a social event requires advance prep and planning. Try it solo and you'll see.

Is it a PITA to get you to leave when the kid and your wife are tired at the end? Do you make her feel like a boring downer for it, and pout? Things like that will make her not want to go at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

It's okay that you feel this way. But why does it have to be done with your wife? Go make some friends of your own.

[Anonymous]

Is this because your wife was the social planner in the before times, and you want to socialize but not have to do the work of planning it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

It's okay that you feel this way. But why does it have to be done with your wife? Go make some friends of your own.

+1.

My spouse has one local friend they see once a year. We have no local family. It's works for them, it doesn't work for me. So I socialize solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

It's okay that you feel this way. But why does it have to be done with your wife? Go make some friends of your own.

Yeah, do you have friends from before you had kids? Why don't you see them anymore? Try to set up a regular hang out with your guy friends

[Anonymous]

I miss a lot of things about before. I miss living in Logan Circle. I miss free time. I miss my abs. I miss not having a yogurt handprint on my butt. But sometimes you just have to deal. It's temporary, it will get a lot easier when your youngest child learns to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

She might prefer spending time with family because family helps her manage her kid, or she doesn't feel like she has to keep the kid on best behavior the whole time.

As others are saying, look at your role in this. Are you an attentive, involved parent when you socialize as a family? Or do you devote all your attention to socializing and she has to scramble after your DD and fit in conversation around that? Because that's probably way less enjoyable for her and causes her resentment.

Are you making the effort to pack the bag, dress your DD appropriately, think through what to bring, plan around nap, etc? Or is that all on your wife? Taking a preschool aged child to a social event requires advance prep and planning. Try it solo and you'll see.

Is it a PITA to get you to leave when the kid and your wife are tired at the end? Do you make her feel like a boring downer for it, and pout? Things like that will make her not want to go at all.

+1. I actually like socializing, but sometimes I tell my DH to go without me (or just take our older child) because I know I'm just going to spend the whole time running after the 18 month old, who will be cranky bc his nap is going to be messed up, and probably have a blowout that I will have to deal with. Do you guys have a babysitter you trust?