Concerned about my wife's lack of desire to expand her social circle

[Anonymous]

I understand wanting more socializing, but I don't get why you think your wife needs to be involved. Do you feel like it's weird to show up to the preschool things without her?

Maybe sign your kid up for a sport, and then you can be the one to take him/her, and you can make friends that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

She might prefer spending time with family because family helps her manage her kid, or she doesn't feel like she has to keep the kid on best behavior the whole time.

As others are saying, look at your role in this. Are you an attentive, involved parent when you socialize as a family? Or do you devote all your attention to socializing and she has to scramble after your DD and fit in conversation around that? Because that's probably way less enjoyable for her and causes her resentment.

Are you making the effort to pack the bag, dress your DD appropriately, think through what to bring, plan around nap, etc? Or is that all on your wife? Taking a preschool aged child to a social event requires advance prep and planning. Try it solo and you'll see.

Is it a PITA to get you to leave when the kid and your wife are tired at the end? Do you make her feel like a boring downer for it, and pout? Things like that will make her not want to go at all.

+1. I actually like socializing, but sometimes I tell my DH to go without me (or just take our older child) because I know I'm just going to spend the whole time running after the 18 month old, who will be cranky bc his nap is going to be messed up, and probably have a blowout that I will have to deal with. Do you guys have a babysitter you trust?

This. Or we'll have a fight because he says he's watching a kid and then he gets distracted and the kid breaks something or climbs on something or does something dangerous. So I'm never not watching, I have to watch his watching, and that means it isn't much fun for me.

OP, if you want another baby this problem will get worse. Take an HONEST inventory of yourself and your behavior if you want to keep your social life alive.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this about travel. Oh, when we were young we took so many fun trips. Oh, so fun and spontaneous. Well yes, dumb*ss. We didn't have to pay for daycare back then. We didn't have to deal with jet-lagged toddlers awake all night who then get traveler's diarrhea. Look, I'd love to travel! I want a lot of things. I want annual leave-- right now that mainly goes to kid illnesses and appointments. I want a house that isn't gross. I want a Monday morning where we aren't an exhausted mess from getting back late Sunday. You just don't get everything at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Oh and think about this, OP-- she might actually be pretty sensitive about this, pretty worried that you don't think she's as fun as she used to be, maybe feeling a little judged by you or a little pressured. Those things aren't good for your marriage. Tread carefully, sort out your own side of the issue, and focus on how you can help, not how you can hassle and pressure her into acting like a younger woman without a child.

[Anonymous]

She's probably thinking there's no point in investing in this group of people, if you're planning to leave the preschool for Kindergarten soon anyway. And if she wants another baby soon, she'll probably be too busy for much friend stuff anyway.

Have you thought that far ahead, OP? Have you really thought whether these folks are worth your wife's precious, limited free time and energy? Or are you thinking me me me, I wanna have fun, and concluding that your wife must be mentally ill because she isn't as social as you would like?

[Anonymous]

So she's not holding you back, but you're frustrated? I'm not understanding this.

Because he wants her to do it for him. I also believe it's not even on his radar that this is what he's asking for.

I just got back from Disney. We had fun. I also had to be the lightning lane/war planner for the entire trip. It was great, but the next time I do that much work for a vacation I'm not going on that vacation. I ran into other parents there and we chatted about all the planning. When I talked to the dads? 100% of the time they said, "oh my wife takes care of that".

It's the same old story of outsourcing the emotional labor to women. I love hanging out with family. They're easy, they help with DD, I'm not the hidden help.

I get OP's wife's perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

So go make friends of your own. You don’t have to hold on to your wife’s skirts.

[Anonymous]

My DH makes nearly zero effort to make dad friends even though we live in a very social neighborhood. He just doesn’t want to and I respect that, I have group of friends I made after we moved here that I’m close to but don’t expect the same from him.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being a bit controlling- why do you care what your wife does re: friendships? I suspect you want her to do the legwork meeting families and arranging social outings? Many women enjoy doing that, but not all.

You need to make your own friends. Why not go to school outings and chat with the other dads, reach out to men in the neighborhood etc?

FYI in my area, all the dads seem to make “dad friends” (or friendly dad acquaintances anyway) through kids’ sports- tball, soccer etc. My own DH met a lot of friends this way- often making plans to go out with a few of the dads for a beer or golf etc, or take the kids to pizza after practice. That sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

Good reflection, OP.

COVID threw us all for a loop and having a major life transition occur during it didn't help you, I'm sure. It's totally normal to want that interaction. And FWIW, our preschool group had a couple of SAHDs who did the bulk of the socializing. Nothing wrong with that.

Just as a tip for a successful long-term marriage . . . you can't sweat this stuff. You didn't marry yourself, and you will have different needs, different interests, etc. You can nitpick and judge them, or you can accept and encourage them. The latter is going to make everyone in your household a lot happier.

[Anonymous]

Make your own friends! I am an extravert DW happily married to a very introverted DH who is a great husband and father but who is happiest around me and the kids and doesn’t particularly care about making friends and finds socializing outside the family circle exhausting. He does it for work but would not want to do it “for fun” because for him it isn’t. It doesn’t bother me at all because I a capable of making my own friends and have done so over the years - I socialize with them as much as I like. There is no need to expect or demand your partner likes making or maintaining friends as much as you do, you two are not attached at the hip and this forced to make friends together.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with your wife. I am pretty shocked at assumption there could be depression.

This is pretty normal. The assumption you would expand your social circle moving to the suburbs and having kids is ridiculous. It is not the 1950s. Most people are in dual income families. They do not have time do a lot of socializing. People are really busy. Most weekends many people spend time with families.

Having kids here makes your life smaller—not bigger.

I think you have unrealistic expectations about socializing and parenting in this area.

[Anonymous]

Does your wife work? Is she 100% remote?
I would worry if she almost never interacts with people in a meaningful way besides you, her kids, and her parents + sister.
The time to make friends through your kids is preschool and elementary school. After that, kids are more independent and you connect with parents a bit less.
I have social groups through all of my kids and we still see the parents even though the kids are no longer friends.
It has been enriching for my kids to have the parents become friends.

I would encourage her to attend at least some school events. She does not have to attend every single event but being completely disengaged is concerning.
You should definitely not hold back with or without her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The responses have definitely given me some good things to chew on. I think the PP that said "when the kids were younger, it was just easier to spend time with the grandparents, rather than trying to meet new people." I think that sums up our situation in a nutshell.

The more I think about it, this is probably more related to my issues than I've previously admitted. While I absolutely love our daughter and being her Dad, and have zero regrets about having her when we did, I find that I miss the pre-parent days more than I expected I would. Perhaps it's because I subconsciously assumed that when covid was "over," our social live would improve, but that hasn't been the case. I also think that I probably need more socialization than my wife does. Like I think that seeing her parents/sister provides my wife a high majority of her needed socialization. And this isn't a knock on my in-laws, as I genuinely enjoy spending time with them, but I need more socialization than just that.

She might prefer spending time with family because family helps her manage her kid, or she doesn't feel like she has to keep the kid on best behavior the whole time.

As others are saying, look at your role in this. Are you an attentive, involved parent when you socialize as a family? Or do you devote all your attention to socializing and she has to scramble after your DD and fit in conversation around that? Because that's probably way less enjoyable for her and causes her resentment.

Are you making the effort to pack the bag, dress your DD appropriately, think through what to bring, plan around nap, etc? Or is that all on your wife? Taking a preschool aged child to a social event requires advance prep and planning. Try it solo and you'll see.

Is it a PITA to get you to leave when the kid and your wife are tired at the end? Do you make her feel like a boring downer for it, and pout? Things like that will make her not want to go at all.

+1. I actually like socializing, but sometimes I tell my DH to go without me (or just take our older child) because I know I'm just going to spend the whole time running after the 18 month old, who will be cranky bc his nap is going to be messed up, and probably have a blowout that I will have to deal with. Do you guys have a babysitter you trust?

This.
When our kids were little, we had a sitter nearly every Saturday night. DH would usually ask another couple to come out with us, or I would, and we would go to dinner or whatever. Once we all got to know each other well enough, we started doing stuff with the kids sometimes, and people that we had dinner with a lot started calling and stopping by and things got a lot more casual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with your wife. I am pretty shocked at assumption there could be depression.

This is pretty normal. The assumption you would expand your social circle moving to the suburbs and having kids is ridiculous. It is not the 1950s. Most people are in dual income families. They do not have time do a lot of socializing. People are really busy. Most weekends many people spend time with families.

Having kids here makes your life smaller—not bigger.

I think you have unrealistic expectations about socializing and parenting in this area.

All of this. And PPs who said DH needs to look at how attentive he is, at home and when out, are spot on.