DD(7th gr)begged me not to enter school for fear of kids making fun of me - Multiple Sclerosis and

[Anonymous]

Dear op, i grew up in another country and I was also embarrassed of my mom too. I do not remember the reason, just did not want to be seen with her. And she was slim and dressed well. So I think it is just a phase. Do not take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear op, i grew up in another country and I was also embarrassed of my mom too. I do not remember the reason, just did not want to be seen with her. And she was slim and dressed well. So I think it is just a phase. Do not take it personally.

How can she not take it personally. Note this is a statement not a question!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I certainly would not indulge that. Everyone deserves to be able to go in public and be treated with respect. No matter what you look like, your disability, whether you are a size 14 or 34. I’d help her come up with comebacks to use in the case that kids made fun of me or her. We don’t hide from bullies or let them control where we do or don’t go.

I would teach her to say, "she's my mother and I love her."

[Anonymous]

I am sorry that she feels that way, and of course you are hurt by it.

In my experience, girls can say hurtful things to their moms in adolescence. (Ask me how I know).

I think you can try to have a calm discussion, that you realize at this age she does not want to stand out/be different (that will also help her understand it is developmentally normal, not related to you in any way). But tell her you cannot promise to never enter the school. That would be discriminatory in a way (ableism). As far as the body shaming...I agree that you are not near the extreme at all, given average weights in the US.

Maybe she has anxiety? It may even be necessary to engage a family counsellor to help her work through why she is feeling this way. But believe me, it is her, not you.

There are some good documentaries about how people feel when others shun them or treat them differently because of how they look. But she may be too young to "grow" empathy.

Other topics that could come into play are that love is unconditional. And sometimes you will appear at school because being a good mom requires that.

Do you have any kind of relationship with the school counselor? Ours in my kid's elementary school was wonderful (a psychologist). She helped me figure out how to handle a serious parental illness when my kid was in first grade.

Good luck. This is a hard phase of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can completely understand why you'd feel hurt but I wouldn't force the issue. DH is well over threshold for morbid obesity (60 bmi) and our kids don't want to be seen in public with him. He understands (and doesn't really want to be seen in public either). That is a tough age and some kids are very sensitive to standing out.

Okay but you see the difference between being embarrassed of your mom who probably weighs less than 200 pounds and is about the size of an average woman, and a dad who probably weighs over 400 pounds??

One is understandable and one is ludicrous

The issues, for the parent in question, are the same.

[Anonymous]

When my daughter was 14 and avoiding me in public, she said to me: “one of the best parts about being adopted is that I don’t look like you at all, and when we walk anywhere near each other, no one knows you are my mom.”

Another daughter said once: “I wish you looked like _____’s Mom. Her mom looks like a cheerleader.” I told her that there was no universe in which I would ever be putting any effort at all into looking like a cheerleader. We all laugh at this now but I am sure at the time she DID wish I looked more put together. Whatever. I think my daughters are all a bit shocked about what they used to say, but I didn’t take any of it to heart.

They are all now grown and we are very close. Let the comments roll like water off a duck’s back. In a few years she will be utterly mortified that she said this. She knows how hard your MS is and deep down she knows you are 100% doing your best. They just do not want to be different or have a parent who is different.

Just say to yourself, and to them: “whatever.” Keep repeating that.

You’ve got this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man I’m a size 16/18 and I would not tolerate that from my kid. No way.

You need to lose weight.

[Anonymous]

I'm a size 4.
My kids, now in high school, are JUST coming around to me showing up at school.
During middle school they wouldn't let me walk with them on the first day of school. We only live 1.5 blocks away too and it was on my way to my morning subway commute anyway.
At this point of high school, my attitude is screw you, I'm going to that PTA meeting and helping out on the hospitality table. Kids aren't invited anyway so bugger off.

[Anonymous]

My first instinct was that your child is a heartless brat--until I remembered being embarrased by my mom simply because she wore her hair in a long ponytail rather than the typical 80s perms. And she dared to show up for school volunteer events during the school day when everyone could see her say hello to me.
It's the age. Go where you want to go. If you WANT to make your presence easier on your daughter, put a bit of extra attention to your outfit and hair/makeup and don't hug or kiss her unless she initiates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man I’m a size 16/18 and I would not tolerate that from my kid. No way.

You need to lose weight.

Hi troll!

[Anonymous]

Ask her how she knows this to be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter was 14 and avoiding me in public, she said to me: “one of the best parts about being adopted is that I don’t look like you at all, and when we walk anywhere near each other, no one knows you are my mom.”

Another daughter said once: “I wish you looked like _____’s Mom. Her mom looks like a cheerleader.” I told her that there was no universe in which I would ever be putting any effort at all into looking like a cheerleader. We all laugh at this now but I am sure at the time she DID wish I looked more put together. Whatever. I think my daughters are all a bit shocked about what they used to say, but I didn’t take any of it to heart.

They are all now grown and we are very close. Let the comments roll like water off a duck’s back. In a few years she will be utterly mortified that she said this. She knows how hard your MS is and deep down she knows you are 100% doing your best. They just do not want to be different or have a parent who is different.

Just say to yourself, and to them: “whatever.” Keep repeating that.

You’ve got this!

Ouch! You must be a very cool banana, PP, for not having reacted to that comment.