DD(7th gr)begged me not to enter school for fear of kids making fun of me - Multiple Sclerosis and

[Anonymous]

overweight. I suffer from Multiple Sclerosis and now on medication to slow thyroid function I am now about a size 14. I am not sure how I should handle this. She’s asked that her father go instead. She’s cried and stated that they would make fun of me and in turn additionally make fun of her.

How should I address this or do I simply let it go?

It does hurt to hear and in the moment I reassured her it was fine and I would not come into the school as I truly was taken aback by her saying this.

[Anonymous]

Oh man, hugs to you. That must be hard.

I teach middle school. It’s the height of paranoid, “everyone is looking at me!” phase, and we do a lot of work to build self esteem and teach empathy but man, it is slow going.

Maybe when you’re both comfortably distanced from the situation you can ask why she thought they’d make fun of you/her. Has she seen it happen to other parents? If so, maybe reach out to the counselor. In FCPS we are creating lessons every other day to teach/reinforce social emotional learning and this sort of thing is a really relevant touch point that maybe a lesson on physical disabilities and appropriate reactions is needed.

[Anonymous]

Size 14 is a pretty normal size. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Your kid sucks.

[Anonymous]

I certainly would not indulge that. Everyone deserves to be able to go in public and be treated with respect. No matter what you look like, your disability, whether you are a size 14 or 34. I’d help her come up with comebacks to use in the case that kids made fun of me or her. We don’t hide from bullies or let them control where we do or don’t go.

[Anonymous]

My mother was diagnosed with MS before I was born, and I NEVER had a similar thought, OP! She was deeply ashamed of her disability, and I was the one encouraging her to get out more, in fact. She had been accused of being a drug addict, or faking a disease, by a number of her older sisters, and I think that did a number on her self-confidence.

Your husband and yourself must sit your daughter down and explain that it’s already hard enough living with a chronic neuro degenerative disease and that being shamed for it is not something you can ever accept. That this is what your child has just done, and you are disappointed in her reaction. That you hope she can be proud that you are surviving every day and managing your disease. And that if she can’t muster up any feelings of sympathy or respect for you, the least she can do is not complain about your medical condition and not ask that you stop coming to school.

I have an emotional 7th grade daughter and this is how I would talk to her.

Separately, I would also ask whether she’s been teased or bullied at school, or whether she has teased or bullied anyone else (for being fat, for example - usually bullies are terrified of reprisal). I would address any concerns on that front but not budge from my stand regarding MS and showing up at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Your kid sucks.

Many 7th graders suck. Fortunately most grow out of it, but not for several years. +1 this is one for the DH to handle.

[Anonymous]

Considering I basically told my kids it was my job in life to embarass them, I would usually ignore. However, in your situation, I would contact her school counselor and explain the situation. Perhaps the counselor can include lessons on disabilities to the entite grade (some are visible, like glasses or MS, and many are not, like menal illness or back injuries, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Man I’m a size 16/18 and I would not tolerate that from my kid. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was diagnosed with MS before I was born, and I NEVER had a similar thought, OP! She was deeply ashamed of her disability, and I was the one encouraging her to get out more, in fact. She had been accused of being a drug addict, or faking a disease, by a number of her older sisters, and I think that did a number on her self-confidence.

Your husband and yourself must sit your daughter down and explain that it’s already hard enough living with a chronic neuro degenerative disease and that being shamed for it is not something you can ever accept. That this is what your child has just done, and you are disappointed in her reaction. That you hope she can be proud that you are surviving every day and managing your disease. And that if she can’t muster up any feelings of sympathy or respect for you, the least she can do is not complain about your medical condition and not ask that you stop coming to school.

I have an emotional 7th grade daughter and this is how I would talk to her.

Separately, I would also ask whether she’s been teased or bullied at school, or whether she has teased or bullied anyone else (for being fat, for example - usually bullies are terrified of reprisal). I would address any concerns on that front but not budge from my stand regarding MS and showing up at school.

This is good advice. You need to tell it to your daughter straight. My mother had MS and for most of my childhood I didn't really "get it" and surely did not give it the level of consideration I should have. Hopefully the PPs wording will help knock some sense into her.

[Anonymous]

You tell her you go where you damn well please. Why would you let her treat you like that and reward her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Size 14 is a pretty normal size. Ignore.

+1 I bet half the moms at school are size 12 and above!

7th grade is absolutely the worst year. Kids can be so insecure.

[Anonymous]

OP, first, hugs to you, and also, don't worry your DD is not deficient in any character-way. She's just *that* age.

First, tend to what a PP mentioned--find out if she's being bullied.
Separate from that, know that if it wasn't the size or the MS, it would be something else. I remember being embarrased that my mom was older (back when I was growing up, a mom who had a kid at 40 y.o. was pretty rare). She had a gray streak in her hair. I can recall later, at about 18, knowing that streak ran in the family and that it came in at about 21, and eagerly awaiting it, and being disappointed that I never got it.

Anyways I want to stress to not get hung up on the disability part of this (or the weight part of this), because it's not about her being insensitive to the disability, it's about her in a developmental stage where girls detach from their moms and their brain finds something in their mom that is unique, to be embarrassed about. I can see someone coming down hard on a kid for being insensitive to a disability, but it could have been being insensitive to your hair color.

I hope that was clear enough.

[Anonymous]

I am sure this is just a projection of her own insecurities and anxiety about how peers see her.

[Anonymous]

I doubt there is a thirteen year old on this earth who doesn’t find her mom embarrassing.

14 is a normal size for an American woman.

Sorry about the MS. Hope it’s doing ok