Does she want me to leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been visiting my son, DIL and kids for a few days and am set to leave on Monday after lunch. I brought food with me and have tried to be as helpful as I can be. My son doesn’t drink coffee, so DIL sets it up every night before she goes to bed. This morning, the coffee wasn’t set up. I didn’t want to make noise and I’m the first one up. I waited and asked her about it when she came downstairs. She said, “It’s a standard drip, help yourself.” My son does a lot to help out and so do I, and I understand if she’s tired, but a of things lately have become her telling me to help myself or her just disappearing and apparently my son or I am supposed to make lunch or whatever, which is fine, I just want to know what people want me to do.

Should I leave early?

Did I miss the part where your son is suffering from a serious illness and is less your host than your daughter in law? Chronic sandwich allergy?

That was the line that jumped out at me. The DIL is not present at mealtime to make lunch, her son might have to make it or be consulted! Oh no! Can a man make lunch? Has it ever been attempted before?

[Anonymous]

OP, make your own lunch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been visiting my son, DIL and kids for a few days and am set to leave on Monday after lunch. I brought food with me and have tried to be as helpful as I can be. My son doesn’t drink coffee, so DIL sets it up every night before she goes to bed. This morning, the coffee wasn’t set up. I didn’t want to make noise and I’m the first one up. I waited and asked her about it when she came downstairs. She said, “It’s a standard drip, help yourself.” My son does a lot to help out and so do I, and I understand if she’s tired, but a of things lately have become her telling me to help myself or her just disappearing and apparently my son or I am supposed to make lunch or whatever, which is fine, I just want to know what people want me to do.

Should I leave early?

We’re you really such a shitty parent that you didn’t raise your son to know how to make lunch?

[Anonymous]

Are you ok with making your own coffee & lunch? Then stay. If that’s a deal breaker, then yes, leave early.
I honestly think your dil is just inviting you to “do you” - make coffee when you want, help yourself to lunch when you want. You are part of the inner circle of family, you know your way around the house & have permission to do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Ummmm am I the only one who literally makes one meal for my parents or ILs when they visit? It’s the starting meal, when they arrive. After that they take over the kitchen to give me a break since they are retired and in good health, while I am busy with two young kids.

[Anonymous]

Op, every single overnight visit I've experienced, the first one up makes the coffee. Doesn't matter whose house. No host is going to be upset to wake up to coffee already made. In fact, it's one of the great joys in life.

Lunch. Lunch is usually an every man for himself situation. When I'm visiting family, I might say "hey I'm going to make a sandwich, want one?" Or, " hey you wanna go out for lunch today?" But I don't wait around to be served.

If your dil says " help yourself, " she means it. Don't read anything into it!.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm am I the only one who literally makes one meal for my parents or ILs when they visit? It’s the starting meal, when they arrive. After that they take over the kitchen to give me a break since they are retired and in good health, while I am busy with two young kids.

My mom would cook every night if I let her.

My ILs have never once cooked or given us a break. They stay as long as 18 days at times and except to be fed and watered all day long every day. Even in the before times when we went to the office every single day. I once years and years ago put together a roast and asked my MIL if she would please put it in the oven at 400 at a certain time otherwise it would not be ready. She took it upon herself to root around and find my digital meat thermometer, stick it in the roast, and roasted the thermometer with the roast. Plastic melted all over the roast and the digital parts exploded.

Shockingly they also expect me to make the coffee and huff and puff around my kitchen if I haven’t preset it up at night and will whine for the 10 minutes the machine takes about “is the coffee ready” while I’m trying to get the kids fed and out the door to school. We don’t drink coffee. We have a drip machine we haul out solely for their visits. It is nothing difficult. Also. Get out of my kitchen at 6:30 am when I’m desperately trying to get everyone out the door on time. You can wait to 7 for your stupid coffee when we are gone you silly addicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm am I the only one who literally makes one meal for my parents or ILs when they visit? It’s the starting meal, when they arrive. After that they take over the kitchen to give me a break since they are retired and in good health, while I am busy with two young kids.

I think it’s great if that is what works for you and for them, but drop the “ummmmmm” attitude because it’s fine that other people do things differently. When my parents drive 10 hours to visit me, I make most of the meals (or buy takeout/take them out). When my family makes the trip to their house, they treat us to meals and cooking. Do whatever works for you, but the “ummmmmm” attitude is totally unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter in law here. I think it’s odd and a bit rude to start off making the coffee and meals and suddenly stop without saying anything. It’s totally fine to stop, but then you say, hey MIL, here’s how to make the coffee and here’s where the stuff is. Feel free to help yourself in the morning. I’ll be tied up for breakfast and lunch, but help yourselves to the x or the y if you’d like; don’t worry about us, etc. how hard is that? Sudden change of course without communication is inhospitable and rude.

Why can’t OP’s son say any of that? Why are you expecting his wife to be primary host who communicates with guest?

Anyone can say it. I’m not expecting anyone to be primary anything. I think the hosts should communicate to the guests what they want the guests to do in their home. If not, it is confusing becaise not everyone wants you rummaging around their cabinets looking for the mug, coffee, sugar. Other people doing care. Either way is fine, but you should communicate. It’s presumptuous for the guest to just assume she’s supposed to make coffee if no one told her that and she never did before. Maybe the DIL forgot and that’s not a huge deal, but OP was right to wait and see. Once she knows, then she should proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter in law here. I think it’s odd and a bit rude to start off making the coffee and meals and suddenly stop without saying anything. It’s totally fine to stop, but then you say, hey MIL, here’s how to make the coffee and here’s where the stuff is. Feel free to help yourself in the morning. I’ll be tied up for breakfast and lunch, but help yourselves to the x or the y if you’d like; don’t worry about us, etc. how hard is that? Sudden change of course without communication is inhospitable and rude.

Why can’t OP’s son say any of that? Why are you expecting his wife to be primary host who communicates with guest?

Anyone can say it. I’m not expecting anyone to be primary anything. I think the hosts should communicate to the guests what they want the guests to do in their home. If not, it is confusing becaise not everyone wants you rummaging around their cabinets looking for the mug, coffee, sugar. Other people doing care. Either way is fine, but you should communicate. It’s presumptuous for the guest to just assume she’s supposed to make coffee if no one told her that and she never did before. Maybe the DIL forgot and that’s not a huge deal, but OP was right to wait and see. Once she knows, then she should proceed accordingly.

If you are a guest in your son’s home, have been there for multiple days, and still expect to be waited on hand and foot rather than make one pot of coffee when the other adults in the house are busy and tired, then please “proceed accordingly” by leaving. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. This is a situation where you should make coffee for yourself to show that you do not see DIL or your son as a servant or the owner of a bed and breakfast. If that’s the wrong move, they will let you know, but it’s better to take care of yourself (and heaven forbid, your DIL by having coffee ready for HER for a change), but I highly doubt they will be offended.

[Anonymous]

Oh sheesh, just make your own coffee and don’t expect to be served! And your son helps?? What is this, the 1950s?

[Anonymous]

She is exhausted from hosting. 3 days is max visit anyone can handle hosting.

[Anonymous]

Good lord! Some of you are awful. You have no manners. No sense of hospitality or how to treat visiting family. OP. Just ask your DIL and put her on the spot.

When I have visitors staying with me, I show them the coffee maker and tell them to make themselves at home. I definitely do not leave them hanging. So rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord! Some of you are awful. You have no manners. No sense of hospitality or how to treat visiting family. OP. Just ask your DIL and put her on the spot.

When I have visitors staying with me, I show them the coffee maker and tell them to make themselves at home. I definitely do not leave them hanging. So rude.

Ask her dil what? Where the coffee maker is? She obviously knows where it is.
The dil is not a servant. It’s not poor manners to not act as a waiter when someone is staying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have been upgraded to family mode. No longer getting the guest treatment. It means make yourself at home a bit more.

Grow up Op.

Tell your son to make your coffee if you so demand not doing it yourself as you houseguest at a family with two full time working parents, young buys kids, and it’s the holiday and end of school /work term. They prob have 4-8 weeks of vacation to accrue and use each calendar year?

And only houseguest for a 3-5 days. Anything linger you def need to buy groceries, cook, clean and contribute. And bring your own special foods, drinks and make them yourself.