Does she want me to leave?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been visiting my son, DIL and kids for a few days and am set to leave on Monday after lunch. I brought food with me and have tried to be as helpful as I can be. My son doesn’t drink coffee, so DIL sets it up every night before she goes to bed. This morning, the coffee wasn’t set up. I didn’t want to make noise and I’m the first one up. I waited and asked her about it when she came downstairs. She said, “It’s a standard drip, help yourself.” My son does a lot to help out and so do I, and I understand if she’s tired, but a of things lately have become her telling me to help myself or her just disappearing and apparently my son or I am supposed to make lunch or whatever, which is fine, I just want to know what people want me to do.

Should I leave early?

[Anonymous]

You have been upgraded to family mode. No longer getting the guest treatment. It means make yourself at home a bit more.

[Anonymous]

Just make your own coffee. Why would she set it up for you every night?

[Anonymous]

You want coffee? Make coffee. You want lunch? Make lunch. Stop being a guest and take care of yourself. If you don’t want to “help out,” you don’t have to, but yeah, if you can’t at least look after yourself, you should leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have been upgraded to family mode. No longer getting the guest treatment. It means make yourself at home a bit more.

+1 and make a plan with your son about meals.

[Anonymous]

It might not be about you. She might be tired of hosting or not having her home to herself. Or maybe she isn't that into you. Or maybe she wants you to do things yourself like other family members. It's impossible to say without knowing more. But at the very least, you can make your own coffee.

[Anonymous]

So you need/expect your DIL to make lunch for you every day? And set up coffee before she wakes up? Then you just waited around helplessly for her to wake up when she forgot one of the days and passive aggressively bugged her about it instead of asking your son or just making it yourself? If this is how you intend to continue acting, yes.

[Anonymous]

Your son does a lot to help her out? Why is she in charge of your stay? You are his mom. He should be making your coffee and sandwiches and whatever else you don’t want to make for yourself. your dil is not a servant. Im guessing she has other things to do than wait on you.

[Anonymous]

People get the “guest treatment” in my home for three nights. After that, if they are still around, they can either help out or take the hint and depart. Especially this far after the holidays, people are over it. If you want the hotel treatment, go stay in a hotel!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, your son isn’t “helping out”…you get that home life and talking care of guests isn’t her job, and he doesn’t “help her” do her job. It’s his job, too. What’s your deal?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, a grown man needing someone to set up their coffee? Surely this is a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, a grown man needing someone to set up their coffee? Surely this is a joke.

OP here. I am a woman. I’m happy to make my own, but was confused because she always sets it up. She does this for her parents, too, not just me. I didn’t make my own because I didn’t want to make any noise before they were up, or impose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have been upgraded to family mode. No longer getting the guest treatment. It means make yourself at home a bit more.

This. I know perhaps you don't want to overstep in her kitchen, but if she's invited you to help yourself or disappeared through lunchtime and you had to make something for yourself or go hungry, you have a green flag to just take care of yourself. It's fine to say things like "Larla, I'm getting hungry so I was going to heat up some leftover for lunch. Do you want to join me or will you grab something later."

If you make something and she says "Oh, I was going to make us all pasta" you can say "Oh, sorry, I didn't know. You and John can still have it and if there is any left I will have some tomorrow."

Also, there is a good chance she has asked your son to step up his hosting and he simply isn't or he said "oh, my mom will be fine." This really isn't on her as a hostess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, a grown man needing someone to set up their coffee? Surely this is a joke.

OP here. I am a woman. I’m happy to make my own, but was confused because she always sets it up. She does this for her parents, too, not just me. I didn’t make my own because I didn’t want to make any noise before they were up, or impose.

You sound ridiculous. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she was too tired. How loud are you when you make coffee? Just handle it. Or drive to Starbucks. It is insane that you are taking this as some passive aggressive way to get you to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, a grown man needing someone to set up their coffee? Surely this is a joke.

OP here. I am a woman. I’m happy to make my own, but was confused because she always sets it up. She does this for her parents, too, not just me. I didn’t make my own because I didn’t want to make any noise before they were up, or impose.

What exactly “confused” you? You came into a kitchen and there was no coffee set up for you. There’s absolutely nothing confusing about it. This helpless “I must not be wanted here” bs is gross.