Aftermath on couples after family visits

[Anonymous]

DH and I don’t fight, but I am overtaken by a form of exhaustion that I never experience except when they visit and leave. I feel like I could sleep for days.

[Anonymous]

Either cut the visits short or stay somewhere else. Do what is best for your sanity and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Day 5 of a 6 day visit and I lost it on my DH as well. He and I introduced my mom to a shared hobby. She really likes it too. I haven't been able to do it as much since having kids since it takes hours and a lot of focus, so it can only be after they go to bed, and as I've had two kids growing out if naps at different points, that's late and I'm tired. The problem is that they want to do it for the entire night after the kids go to bed EVERY night we visit. No more hanging out having a drinkith the o ther --adults, no more movie nights, we can't have side conversations with them because the hobby IS the conversation - it's basically crowded out any other family activities in the evening. And once or twice a trip is fine and I'll join in, but I've told my husband on the LAST two trips that I'd like to have an unstructured hangout night or movie night because i used to look forward to doing that with my family, and he hasn't listened. Now he's like "ok, we don't have to do the hobby on New Year's Eve," and I guess I'm supposed to be grateful, but my oldest also wants to stay up until midnight so I will go an entire YEAR of visits without just getting to hang out with the adults and talk about things OTHER than the hobby.

Argh, I'm still mad. This is one of those things where I have said it nicely on the last three trips and he said "OK well we'll do other stuff some nights then!" but didn't. And I used to like this hobby! Now I just resent it and don't want to bring the stuff for it AT ALL next trip because apparently he likes it more than me and can't set limits.

Okay, you have to tell us: What IS this hobby? No judgment. Just curious.

Duplicate bridge? Also would explain why they can't just do it without her.


Agreed, I'm dying to know what this hobby is that so many different age groups (and both genders) can not only enjoy, but actively look forward to doing together?
Sounds marvelous, please share PP!

Nah. I can maintain a small veneer of plausible deniability if anyone finds this post until I name the hobby.

And yes! I used to really enjoy it myself! It was great until it became such an obsession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not normal.

It’s very normal. Read the 1 million posts about family holiday stress.

We are not fighting right now but we didn’t travel to see any family for Christmas or New Years. It makes a difference. There was always an argument when we went to see either side in the past. It’s a tense time and we are most comfortable with each other so all of the pent up emotions come out. That’s not the reason we stopped traveling but an added bonus.

[Anonymous]

14:57 again and I read your update. It’s okay to be done. Do separate visits if you have to. Get the Airbnb. It will cause more arguments in the immediate and then things will be better for all. Stand your ground.

[Anonymous]

Honestly you have to figure out why this is triggering and you need to figure out why you are so defensive and get less defensive.

I'm sure your family is not perfect, and I'm sure your parents made mistakes raising you just as your sister is making mistakes. Why does it bother you so much?

I used to get VERY defensive about my family. Over the years, I'm much less so. It is what it is.

But seriously, a week is too long to spend with them - like a PP said, not worth getting a divorce over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not normal.

It’s very normal. Read the 1 million posts about family holiday stress.

We are not fighting right now but we didn’t travel to see any family for Christmas or New Years. It makes a difference. There was always an argument when we went to see either side in the past. It’s a tense time and we are most comfortable with each other so all of the pent up emotions come out. That’s not the reason we stopped traveling but an added bonus.

It’s not abnormal, but it’s also not a great sign for a relationship. The couple should be a team and neither should feel that they need to be defensive about anything about their upbringing or family. My family has more than their share of dysfunction, and DH and I both just roll our eyes and either laugh or commiserate about it, but he understands that they’re my family and I love them, with all their quirks, and he would never try to make me feel bad about that. Same with me & his family.

I read recently that one sign of a relationship that is headed for the rocks is that the couple shame each other. Shaming someone about their family seems like a version of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Day 5 of a 6 day visit and I lost it on my DH as well. He and I introduced my mom to a shared hobby. She really likes it too. I haven't been able to do it as much since having kids since it takes hours and a lot of focus, so it can only be after they go to bed, and as I've had two kids growing out if naps at different points, that's late and I'm tired. The problem is that they want to do it for the entire night after the kids go to bed EVERY night we visit. No more hanging out having a drinkith the o ther --adults, no more movie nights, we can't have side conversations with them because the hobby IS the conversation - it's basically crowded out any other family activities in the evening. And once or twice a trip is fine and I'll join in, but I've told my husband on the LAST two trips that I'd like to have an unstructured hangout night or movie night because i used to look forward to doing that with my family, and he hasn't listened. Now he's like "ok, we don't have to do the hobby on New Year's Eve," and I guess I'm supposed to be grateful, but my oldest also wants to stay up until midnight so I will go an entire YEAR of visits without just getting to hang out with the adults and talk about things OTHER than the hobby.

Argh, I'm still mad. This is one of those things where I have said it nicely on the last three trips and he said "OK well we'll do other stuff some nights then!" but didn't. And I used to like this hobby! Now I just resent it and don't want to bring the stuff for it AT ALL next trip because apparently he likes it more than me and can't set limits.

Okay, you have to tell us: What IS this hobby? No judgment. Just curious.

Duplicate bridge? Also would explain why they can't just do it without her.


Agreed, I'm dying to know what this hobby is that so many different age groups (and both genders) can not only enjoy, but actively look forward to doing together?
Sounds marvelous, please share PP!

Nah. I can maintain a small veneer of plausible deniability if anyone finds this post until I name the hobby.

And yes! I used to really enjoy it myself! It was great until it became such an obsession.

Is it singing rounds?